“Yes” is a wonderful word. It makes us happy to hear it: “Do you want to take me and the kids on a trip around the world this summer?” Yes! “Can I buy all the toys in the store?” Yes! “Do you love me the most?” Yes yes yes!

“Yes” is positive optimistic word. It lends enthusiasm and zest to conversations uplifting mood and offering encouragement. “Yes” is also anagreeable word bringing people together. “Yes we are very much on the same page.” “Yes I agree with you.” “Yes that’s exactly what I was thinking.”

No

“No” on the other hand is not such a happy word. We don’t like hearing it and neither do our spouses or children. “Can I eat something else for dinner?” No. “Can I sleep over at my friend’s house?” No. “Would you like to come shopping with me?” No.

“No” is a word of disagreement fostering distance and sometimes even animosity. “No I think you’re wrong about that.” “No that’s not a good idea.” In fact “no” is often a sour grumpy word — a word denoting negativity. It shuts people down stopping them in their tracks. “No that will never work.” “No I can’t lend you the funds.” “No don’t waste your time.”

The Hard Facts

While we may not like it we can’t live in a world without “no.” Spouses have to use that word with each other on occasion and parents have to use it often with their kids. The Torah itself certainly doesn’t shy away from it offering us a generous dose of prohibitions and restraints that essentially come down to “no.” Even so there is no reason not to endeavor to minimize the effects of negativity. “Yes” brings family members closer while too many unadorned “no’s” may push them apart. Fortunately while we all need to say “no ” we can learn to do so in a “yes” way reducing the number of hard cold “no’s” to a bare minimum.

Suppose for instance that Dovey really wants Mommy to take him for ice cream. He pleads with her “Mommy can we please get ice cream this afternoon?” Mommy has other things on her schedule and the extra trip just won’t fit in. Mommy can simply say “No Dovey. Mommy is very busy this afternoon. We’ll go another day.”

Whether Dovey is the kind of child who will have a meltdown at this juncture or the kind who shrugs his shoulders and wanders off is not important; what is important is that Mommy was unnecessarily negative in her response. Her matter-of-fact cold “no” places her at a distance from her child. He’s all enthusiastic; she’s all business. They are not on the same page. Of course there’s nothing technically wrong with her words — they certainly aren’t cruel or abusive. However they also aren’t the kind of words that will build and strengthen bonds.

Now let’s be clear: one small perfunctory discussion about a trip to the ice cream store does not make or break a parent-child relationship. However the pattern of communication the way words are expressed in little daily conversations every day for two developmental decades can make or break relationships.

Parents can answer questions or they can build relationships. Ditto for spouses. “Do you want to go for a walk around the block after dinner?” “No I haven’t got time tonight. I’ve got to go to that parlour meeting.” It’s true it’s factual it’s just the way it is. But with just a few more carefully chosen thoughtful and agreeable words it can be transformed into loving kindness.

Becoming Agreeable

In order to bond with family members think “yes” when you have to say “no.” “Yes — a walk with you around the block with you would be delightful! I’m so sorry that there’s no time tonight. Will tomorrow do?” Of course this means “no” but who would notice? The husband has agreed that a walk is a great idea.

“Ice cream sounds yummy! That would be so much fun! If I could take you today I would — but it will have to wait until tomorrow.” Another “no” that is smothered beneath connecting joining trying to get on the same page as the child.

Trying to find the “yes” in every situation — the place where I understand what you’re saying I agree with you your basic idea and I’m all for it — transforms normal mundane conversation into powerful relationship-building blocks. Even when the bottom line is “no” the starting point can be “yes.”

Look for a way in. Showing enthusiasm appreciation and understanding doesn’t mean that you’re saying “yes.” It only means that you’re connecting to one of the most important people in your life. Try it and I’m sure you’ll agree.