There are many reasons a spouse can behave hurtfully. All of them must be dealt with.

Devorah had been married for five years. At first things were fine. She was an eager-to-please young kallah and her chassan Eli was attentive and caring. They already had two sweet children and another was on the way. Of course with these added responsibilities life was a bit harder now. There was more pressure on the young couple. So when Eli became more self-absorbed and less doting Devorah not only understood but didn’t even pay much attention. She too was busy and distracted.

 Mystified and Miserable

However as the months went on the change in Eli continued to the point where Devorah could no longer ignore it. He would come home and walk right past her without saying so much as “hello.” He’d walk straight to the den and shut the door behind him. At first Devorah was just confused; she’d follow him and open the door asking him if everything was alright. Inevitably he’d mumble that he was busy and would like some peace and quiet.

Devorah began to worry — perhaps there was something going on that was stressful. Eli was no longer carefree and happy; could it be that he was overwhelmed or even depressed? Sometimes when Eli seemed more relaxed Devorah would try to raise the issue with him gently pressing him to confide in her. However he’d just brush away her concerns saying that he was fine and must just have been in a “mood.” Unfortunately things continued to worsen over time with bad “moods” happening more and more frequently — and then they started happening publicly.

If her family or other guests were in the house he’d do the exact same thing — walk by everyone without a greeting and shut himself in his room. Devorah was no longer confused; she was hurt and mortified. Still she understood that stress can take a toll on people. She mustered the courage to ask Eli to talk to his doctor. The suggestion triggered a massive tantrum on Eli’s part in which he blamed Devorah as the main cause of his stress and he bellowed at her to “get off his case.” Devorah cried herself to sleep that night and many many other nights. Her heart was broken. Why was her husband behaving like this?

Till this point she had kept the pain in her marriage a secret. She didn’t want anyone to think less of Eli. Eventually however the burden of isolation and rejection became intolerable. Devorah mustered up the courage to call a counselor. And this is what she learned:

• A professional assessment would help pinpoint the cause of Eli’s “moods.” There are several possible explanations for such behavior. For instance Eli might have depression or some other mental health disorder. Mental health disorders not only affect feelings and moods but also affect behavior. Depression for instance often leads to irritable behavior — especially in men. Or he might have communication problems being unable to express his frustration with his wife’s behavior in more normal and appropriate ways (i.e. with words!). In other words he is mad. It’s possible that Devorah is doing things that bother him even though she may be completely unaware of the impact of her own actions. Another possibility is that Eli is neither suffering from a mental health disorder nor a communication deficit but is just displaying bad middos — he’s mean. He behaves badly in marriage because he can get away with it and he has never matured to the point where he understands or cares about the effects of his behavior in This World or the Next.
• Being forever patient in the face of unpleasant behavior is not an appropriate response. Being a “good” wife does not involve tolerating bad behavior. On the contrary being a good wife — an eizer k’negdo — involves helping one’s husband to reach his potential. Sometimes this requires the “k’negdo” element — confrontation. An example of an appropriate confrontation could be: “Not talking to me is not an appropriate behavior. It hurts me and makes me feel embarrassed when others see it. I need you to greet me and be pleasant in the evenings and if you can’t do that then you and I need to meet with a professional to help sort this out because I cannot go on in this way.” Confrontation may involve other steps as well but this could be a beginning.

 Devorah confronted her husband. As usual he blew up at her. However she meant what she said and this time she followed up with action. Overcoming embarrassment and fear she approached her parents and her in-laws and told them what was going on. Although Eli was livid at this “betrayal ” the subsequent family confrontation did the trick and today after successful counseling Eli and Devorah — and their marriage — are all thriving!