Husband and Wife are in “Home Depot” shopping for a widget for their broken thingamajig. They’re taking advantage of the errand to spend a bit of quality time together. Truth be told Husband is enjoying the outing a bit more than Wife since he is interested in looking at some of the items in the store and she isn’t. Nonetheless Wife likes strolling up and down the aisles just to have a pleasant break in her routine and be alone with her husband.

Finally they come to the widget aisle where they pause to select the proper size and style widget for their needs. Actually Husband is pausing to make this selection. Wife is feeling impatient with the process and would like to move on. Finally in exasperation over how long it is taking her husband to make this choice she bursts out: “This isn’t rocket science! Just pick one already!” Feeling insulted and embarrassed (he’s sure that people further down the aisle have overheard his wife’s remark) Husband is no longer in a pleasant mood. He grabs both widgets heads to the cashier and without saying a further word to Wife heads toward the car.

Wife feeling mistreated tries to remedy the situation by “educating” Husband. “A little oversensitive aren’t you?” she begins. Somehow this doesn’t achieve the desired result. Noticing she isn’t getting anywhere she tries harder: “Can’t I say anything to you? Is everything such a big deal? You’re going to stop talking to me because I asked you to hurry up? Do I have to tiptoe around you and think through every little word I utter? Well let me tell you something — I’m not about to do that! You need to grow up!” By this time they’re in the car together heading for home. The evening is ruined.

Don’t Tell It Like It Is

In the above incident the wife is far too blunt. She tells it like it is without bothering to check her language. There’s no softening no sugarcoating not even any pretty packaging. Everything just comes tumbling out of her mouth exactly the way she feels it. There is clearly no censor on board. The problem is that spouses have feelings — like so many other humans they’re sensitive to insult and are easily provoked. If you don’t talk nicely to them they don’t respond nicely. Go figure!

What this means is that marital communication will tend to go much more smoothly and pleasantly when spouses do stop to think before they speak. Speaking to a spouse the way one speaks to a supervisor at work or to a rabbi at shul will yield far better results than speaking the way one speaks to one’s siblings. Remember: “familiarity breeds contempt.” In this case the saying can suggest that people who are very close start to loose a certain level of respect for each other. When people are shidduch-dating they speak oh-so-carefully to each other — kindly politely cautiously. Newlyweds may keep up the effort for awhile but long-time-marrieds all too often skip the formalities and head right to the point barely noticing the disastrous results that follow.

Confrontation Invites Conflict

One consequence of this overly familiar approach to communication is that people inadvertently become confrontational when meaning to be conversational. Let’s take the example of our frustrated wife. She’s feeling ready to move down the aisle and get out of the store while her husband is taking his time closely examining the unique merits and demerits of potential widgets.

Really the wife just wanted to let her husband know that she was ready to go home. She surely wasn’t trying to ruin her quality time with her husband. If she had only been a bit less casual she could have transformed her communication from confrontational into conversational. She might have said for example “Honey would you mind if I wait for you up by the checkout counter?” or “I guess it’s hard to figure out which is the right one. Do you think we should just take both?” or “Sweetheart I don’t want to rush you at all but I’ve got to get home to put the little ones to bed. Should we come back another time?”

In other words she would have spoken to him as if she was speaking to someone she didn’t know that well. Had she accidentally started off the wrong way as she did in our example — with insulting sarcasm — she could have attempted to repair her error using the same principle of speaking the way one would speak to an acquaintance. Instead of a dismissive offensive rant to her husband she could just have said “I’m sorry. My remark was inappropriate and hurtful. Please forgive me.” Politeness could have saved the day.