When your marriage seems stale don’t look outside — focus inward 

How does a young person envision the spouse of his or her dreams? Of course it varies from person to person but there are some pretty standard fantasies: the spouse will be attractive caring supportive understanding. The spouse will be calm compassionate and appreciative. The spouse will provide a safe harbor; be a constant source of warmth in a chilly challenging world. Most importantly the spouse will offer true love.

Young people in other words think of the feelings that a life partner will engender. In the presence of this attractive caring supportive understanding calm compassionate appreciative protective loving person the young dreamer sees him or herself feeling wonderful: loved safe appreciated cared for understood and more.

The dreamer tends to ignore the practical sides of domestic union — no one fantasizes about dirty floors bills bedtime and the like. In fact the dreamer may not even realize that this is the stuff that marriage is made of. Interestingly the young dreamer still lurks within those who have been married for many years. In fact it is this inner persona who so often wreaks havoc in marriage.

I Want More

As the mundane tasks of marriage take greater and greater priority an inner dreamer can become more and more depressed. Forever 18 the dreamer aspect of self is always future oriented. It imagines that — six kids and an additional 20 pounds later — it can always begin again. “Something is missing from my marriage. It’s empty now” this inner youngster moans. “My spouse doesn’t appreciate me hardly looks at me. It’s all about making money making dinner doing carpool going shopping. It’s all business. I want more.”

The solution? Many people choose to fantasize. They dream about a better spouse a stronger love. Or far worse they actually look at others in that coveting way dreaming that someone else could provide what is so lacking now. Or — far far worse — they search out the missing attention wherever they can. The young dreamer is desperate certain that outside validation is the key to inside joy and tranquility. How naïve and foolish this part is! As its activities erode and destroy the remaining possibilities within marriage it learns the very hard way what is really important in life.

Working It Through

The inner dreamer is a product of developmental gaps. Growing up there is seemingly never enough attention never enough perfect love. The adolescent imagines that this deficit will be corrected through marriage. Interestingly even when one’s spouse is able to provide everything that a spouse could provide the inner spaces are rarely filled. That is because they are childhood gaps not adult ones. Whatever is missing must be supplied by the adult of the same body! Self-love fills the holes.

We must all learn to appreciate ourselves to respect ourselves understand ourselves listen to ourselves and care for ourselves. By making ourselves whole we no longer depend on someone else to hold us up or make life worth living. The love we can then enjoy with a spouse is the love we have to offer far more than the love we need to receive.

However even whole adults still seek personal happiness. Hashem has implanted within us a craving for good feelings and we constantly seek them. Boredom prompts us to seek stimulation. Redundancy prompts us to seek novelty. In some way we all hunger for admiration. All such urges are normal and even beneficial: they push us toward growth. When managed correctly in marriage these feelings can help us become our very best selves. However when misinterpreted they can lead to our downfall.

For instance suppose a person has been married quite awhile and is now finding his or her relationship to be boring and unfulfilling. If the person misinterprets the feelings of boredom and dissatisfaction as a cue to withdraw energy from the marriage then the marriage declines further and one’s personal happiness normally declines along with it. If one simultaneously invests energy elsewhere the marriage suffers doubly: suffering from both lack of nurturing and from abandonment — much as a plant can suffer both from not being watered and being left out in the cold.

On the other hand if the person pays attention to the uncomfortable feelings and uses them to make positive adjustments within the marriage (working independently or with the guidance of a rav or marriage counselor) the person’s entire life can be elevated: he or she can achieve personal evolution along with greater marital happiness. The result is inevitably an increase in the personal happiness that one was seeking in the first place. Even after years of stagnation or struggle the investment of fresh energy into a stale marriage can yield results that can amaze and delight the Inner Dreamer!