“Wow Levi! That’s amazing! You did that all by yourself? You are the best!”

Fortunately the last few decades have seen a rise in positive compassionate parenting. Many people whose parents were critical punitive or cold are able to show healthy affection and positive regard to their own youngsters — thanks to the myriad of new books and classes on parenting. Moreover parents are more aware than ever that their words and actions can have lasting impact on their children.

As a result even if they can’t always control outbursts of temper or occasions of poor judgment they at least feel guilty about them. Healthy remorse helps keep parents on track trying hard to reduce episodes of verbal abuse insensitivity impatience irritability and other normal (but harmful) reactions to the inevitable frustrations of childrearing. So good for all of us! At least we’re trying.

Gone too Far

But perhaps we’re trying too hard. It seems that some of us have gone too far in our efforts to be “nice” to our children. In fact we may have become so afraid of hurting our youngsters’ feelings that we’re afraid to say “no” to set limits or to apply discipline. We don’t want them to feel unhappy even for a short time. The result can be a houseful of out-of-control children.

Parents aren’t just afraid of hurting them — they’re actually afraid of them! They don’t know what to do to get their kids to behave appropriately. Oddly enough they often resort to desperate measures yelling and screaming at them to try to gain some measure of cooperation. Of course they then feel guilty.

Tolerating a Child’s Pain

In order to parent well parents must be able to tolerate their child’s pain. Being nice to a child does not mean saying “yes” to every request or failing to set appropriate limits. It means being respectful at all times. If the child doesn’t like a parent’s respectful “no” that is just too bad. The parent must not confuse the child’s disappointment with the experience of trauma.

For instance no adult has ever come into my counseling office complaining that his mother didn’t let him stay up late one night. Of course at the time of the incident some 35 years prior the scene might have looked like a catastrophe. Mother said “no” and the youngster threw himself down on the floor wailing like his world had come to an end. He cried till he was blue in the face sobbing buckets as he hurled insults at his meanest-mother-in-the-world. It is understandable that a parent might think that something terrible was happening to her child something that she must try to avoid at all costs. However looks can be deceiving. The child was simply disappointed and had not yet been taught the appropriate way of communicating that feeling.

True trauma on the other hand does bring people into counseling. When parents use frequent yelling threats and excessive punishment they are very likely traumatizing their kids. Victims of this sort of parenting make up the bulk of a therapist’s practice. It is not saying “no” that is the problem; it is yelling it.

Sickeningly Sweet

There is another error that occurs as a result of fearing children’s negative emotions: excessive praise. Now that parents know how important encouragement and positive reinforcement can be they are eager to use these tools to help their kids to feel good about themselves. And yet excessive praise can actually have the opposite effect as this 38-year-old woman explained to me recently:

“My parents praised me nonstop making me feel stupid unseen and uncared for. Everything I did and still do as an adult is ‘wonderful ’ ‘amazing ’ ‘the best.’ I made a microwave meal for them the other day and they wouldn’t stop going on about how terrific it was. It’s as if they were saying to me ‘Wow — you took the wrapper off the package all by yourself? You are so clever!’  It doesn’t matter if I manage to match my outfit properly or win a Nobel prize — to them it’s all the same.”

From this account we can see how important it is to be authentic with children. Say it’s “fine” when it’s fine. Say it’s “good” when it’s good. Say it’s “amazing” only when it’s amazing. Don’t worry about crushing your child’s spirit because you weren’t effusive enough. Worry instead about being so phony that your child ends up feeling invisible and unreal.

This is not an invitation to return to excessive criticism; it’s truly important to look for the good and encourage it. However there is no need to go over the top. Your five year old may have painted a lovely tree but it probably isn’t the best tree ever. Don’t lie.