When a child has it all it’s far harder to influence him.

Parenting is a hard-enough job as it is — there’s no need for people to make it even harder! But those “softies” who spoil their kids may be doing just that. A parent will find it very difficult to educate a child who has too much of everything.

Gaining Cooperation

A well-disciplined and respectful child is one who does what he is asked to do. The question is how do you get a child to become well-disciplined and respectful? How do you gain a child’s cooperation?

One way is to give birth to a child with placid pleasant people-pleasing genes. However parents choose this path less than 10 percent of the time. The remaining 90 percent of the time they will be forced to use parental skill to elicit cooperation in their child. Here is a small sampling and review of parenting skills that they can draw upon:

• Follow the 80–20 Rule. When the communication of a parent feels pleasant to a child on four out of five occasions the child finds it easier to like the parent. Liking the parent causes the child to tend to want to please the parent and to want to avoid disappointing or upsetting the parent. In other words liking the parent increases the chances that the child will cooperate with the parent’s wishes. When calculating your own ratio keep in mind that giving a child instructions normally feels unpleasant to the child as does correction criticism reprimands threats punishment and all displays of anger.
• Use the CLeaR Method. This is a good-feeling form of discipline — it strongly encourages cooperation. To use the CLeaR Method (CLeaR stands for Comment Label Reward) to improve a child’s tendency to do what he is told wait for him to do something that you want him to do. Immediately comment: “I see you listened right away!” Next label: “You’re such a good listener!” Finally reward: “I think that deserves a [choose one reward] big hug and kiss/extra story tonight/a game of checkers etc.”
• Use discipline. When used very rarely negative consequences can encourage cooperation. Use the 2X-Rule. For instance the next time your child ignores your request you give him an information statement as follows: “When Mommy asks you to do something you can’t just ignore her because that’s not honoring your parent. If Mommy asks you to do something you need to do it.” On the next occasion of lack of cooperation give him a warning as follows: “I told you before when Mommy asks you to do something you need to do it. From now on when you ignore me you will (pick one negative consequence) — lose dessert/lose story time/have to go to bed early/not be allowed to play outside etc.

Benefit of a Sparse Economy

As you can see cooperation can be encouraged by rewarding cooperative behavior or by punishing uncooperative behavior. However both reward and punishment depend on one thing being in place: a sparse economy.

Allow me to explain. A child who has doughnuts cupcakes and other such treats on a daily basis cannot be offered a special nosh as a reward. Icing has become a regular fact of life — nothing to get excited about. It loses its motivational value. A child who has unlimited outdoor playtime cannot be rewarded with an extra block of playtime. He has all the time he wants already. Similarly a child who has daily deluxe-nosh cannot be punished by losing his “Shabbos Party” or tonight’s dessert (since he has already had or will have plenty of goodies during the day) and the one who plays freely cannot be punished by losing half an hour of playtime. Indeed it is almost impossible to reward or punish the “spoiled” child.

When a child is on a sparse economy he enjoys nothing more luxurious than plain chocolate chip cookies for snacks on days other than Shabbos Yom Tov and special celebrations. Then when he has accomplished a significant behavioral goal (i.e. used his words instead of his hands to deal with a tricky sibling situation) you can offer the whole family a special dessert in celebration. Everyone “cashes in” on the child’s success and the behavior is strongly reinforced. Similarly all daily privileges should be tightly regulated so that gaining or losing some minutes of playtime bike riding quality time and so on becomes a big deal. For instance a child who uses his hands instead of his words will be strongly affected by losing a favorite activity for the day.

Bottom line: no matter how easy it is for you to give your kids everything — don’t! Keep them motivated to do right and avoid wrong by carefully utilizing rewards and negative consequences.