Child: (shouting) “You don’t love me! You only love (fill in name of sister two years older).”

Mother: “That’s not true — I love you very much.”

Child: (practically crying) “Everyone says I’m fat!”

Mother: “You’re not fat. You’re just right for your height!”

Nothing can be more natural than reassurance. Every parent wants to help his or her child’s bad feelings go away. “Here let me clear that up for you … you don’t have to feel bad anymore see?” Although reassuring parents are trying their best to be helpful they are actually being unhelpful — possibly even harmful.

“No matter how many times I reassure Devora that she is smart she keeps saying she is stupid!” When Devora is struggling with her homework she feels anxious frustrated and miserable. She expresses her agitation by complaining to her mother “I’m so stupid!” Her mother makes her feel better with reassurance.

The sequence in Devora’s brain is now something like this: insult yourself get rewarded with a compliment (“you’re very smart”). It’s as if every time Devora says “I’m so stupid” her mom gives her a $10.00 bill! If the child is rewarded every time she insults herself the tendency to negative self-assessment is strengthened. This parent is inadvertently reinforcing Devora’s concept that she is stupid. Moreover Devora can develop an addiction to reassurance since this is the “drug” that eases her emotional pain.

Finding Feelings

Devora needs a way to make herself feel better. The uncomfortable feelings triggered by her homework experience — anxiety frustration and unhappiness — are inside of her body and mind. She needs to learn how to “self-soothe” — that is release negative feelings from her body and mind and restore herself to a calmer happier state. The more skilled a person is at doing this the happier and healthier he or she will be throughout life.

Releasing negative emotions requires locating them. Do you want to throw out the kitchen garbage? Then you first have to go to the kitchen and get the garbage. Only then can you throw it out! Similarly if you want to remove stressful emotions like sadness worry frustration and irritation you have to first go get them. This is accomplished by naming them (“I feel bad.”) More accurate naming (“I feel worried angry and upset”) can start the process of dissolving the feelings releasing them from body and mind. When Devora complains that she’s stupid she fails to notice her feelings. She says she’s stupid but she feels anxious frustrated and miserable. Until she recognizes her feelings she can’t begin the process of letting them go. She needs someone to help her learn to identify those feelings.

Confronting One’s Own Feelings

Instead of guiding Devora quickly away from her feelings with reassurance about her intelligence Mother can actually lead her directly to her bad feelings. She can do this by responding to Devora’s “I’m so stupid” with “You sound upset.” When Devora goes on to say that she can’t do “the stupid homework” Mom can begin naming the feelings more accurately. “That sounds very frustrating ” or “It’s maddening when the homework is so hard ” and so on. Mom’s continued naming of Devora’s bad feelings helps Devora to identify what she is experiencing inside allowing the feelings to begin to dissolve.

Eventually Devora will be able to internalize her mother’s approach to stress learning to name and release her own emotional pain. Instead of seeking constant reassurance she’ll recognize her troubled feelings name them and let them go. She’ll bring herself back to balance.

The Courage to Name Feelings

Naming difficult feelings teaches children that the world of feelings is safe to experience and explore. It removes the need for escapist solutions to emotional pain — like addictions self-harm and other avoidance strategies. Instead it introduces a “meet and greet” philosophy to the inner world. It’s challenging but possible for parents to responds as follows:

Child: (shouting) “You don’t love me! You only love (name sister two years older).”

Parent: “You’re feeling really sad and mad.”

The child will get sadder as this conversation unfolds but that’s okay. She is hurting inside and she is finding her pain. By naming it she will be able to cry it out of her system. When she’s done she’s likely to turn to Mom and say

“I didn’t mean that. I know you love me too.” The way out of feelings is through them. Help your child learn to let go of painful feelings by teaching him or her how to find those feelings in the first place.

Now see if you can fill in the parent’s response to this child’s statement (remember to name the child’s feelings!):

Child: (practically crying) “Everyone says I’m fat!”

You:_________.