Be open to another possibility and challenge yourself to look at things differently

One of the most common types of advice and guidance I am asked for is how to handle it when someone wrongs you. I can probably fill my word count for this column with stories galore, but I will suffice with the following brief examples.

The person who wasn’t invited to a friend’s simchah. Someone who had never been invited to a particular person’s home for a Shabbos meal. Someone who was on the receiving end of a nasty comment at a kiddush. An employee who was publicly called out by his employer at an important work meeting. Someone who was left out of a critical family decision. A talmid who suddenly stopped speaking to his rebbi. A mechutan who made a choice regarding the wedding without seeking input from the other side. And on and on.

Before I accepted my position as a rav, a prominent askan gave me a very important piece of advice: “You need to have thick skin and learn to allow people’s comments and opinions to roll off your back. If you take the comments too seriously, you won’t make it.”

He was absolutely correct. In close to two decades as a rav, I’ve heard countless times, “Rabbi, I just have some constructive criticism to share with you.” I can now claim a fair share of experience in handling personal affronts. I would like to share three important perspectives on this topic that I have found to be effective in dealing with offensive actions and words.

1. Consider the Alternative

The first approach is to consider the alternative and be prepared to look at a painful situation differently, even when it seems so patently clear that the other party is wrong.

Let’s consider the following scenario. Someone makes a demeaning remark that causes you pain. One way to respond is to lash back. A second response is to dismiss the person. However, did you ever try the following?

Look at the situation from another angle. Consider whether the person who made the disparaging remark was ever given the proper tools to handle his rage. Maybe the person was never trained properly by his parents or family in how to react when things didn’t go their way? Additionally, maybe this person has had such a hard life, and from adolescence through adulthood, nothing has gone his way. If so, there is no reason to respond strongly, as the circumstances of this individual’s life do not allow him to react appropriately. Instead, try to see the situation in a different light and judge the person favorably.

This was exactly the scenario that was recently brought to my attention. Someone came to talk to me about a very inappropriate and nasty insult that he received. He shared with me the name of the offender, and I wasn’t surprised in the least. I explained to the person how sad it is that the perpetrator doesn’t know any other mode of communication. Try to consider the challenges this person has, recognize that, and allow that to chart your path forward. It doesn’t mean that you need to be his friend, but at least appreciate the challenges he has and do your best to consider this factor now and in potential future interactions.

I then shared the following story with the person. A sefer was written by an individual that contained chapter after chapter of refutations to various responsa of Rav Moshe Feinstein in his Teshuvos Igros Moshe. The author compounded this by loading his work with scornful and derogatory statements against Rav Moshe. This author then brought his manuscript to the very same typesetter and printer who published Rav Moshe’s seforim.

Seeing the contents of the work, the printer immediately contacted Reb Moshe and explained the situation to him and asked Reb Moshe what he should do.

Rav Moshe replied, “One who writes a sefer quite often needs it to supplement his income and achieve renown. One is obligated to do another Jew a favor. You depend on printing to earn your livelihood. Go ahead with the sefer’s publication.” (Recounted in Reb Moshe, ArtScroll expanded edition, page 449.)

While Reb Moshe’s pious ability to consider the alternative is difficult to imitate, it obligates us to think twice when we are wronged. Rav Moshe understood that just as effort must be made to unravel and decipher the depth and meaning of a challenging gemara, a difficult Rambam, or a problematic psak, so must effort be made in every challenging situation and with every difficult person.

With his sensitivity, wisdom, and judiciousness, Rav Moshe recognized that there is an entirely different way to learn this difficult sugya, and he emerged with an alternative conclusion. Be open to another possibility and challenge yourself to look at things differently.

2. Let It Go

The second approach is to shake off, let go, and wave away the offense and the offender.

The Torah explicitly commands us not to seek retribution from an egregious offender, as the pasuk states, “Do not reject an Egyptian, because you lived as a stranger in his land” (Devarim 23:7).

This is remarkable. The Jewish nation had been brutally enslaved by the Egyptians for hundreds of years and would be completely entitled to feel a lingering resentment. Yet Hashem commands us not to bear the Egyptians any ill will. How is that possible?

Hashem is teaching us that at some point we must move on and let go. The only way to transition from being a slave nation to a redeemed nation is by letting go of the sorrow and misery that we experienced at the hands of the Egyptians. If we hadn’t let go, we would have remained emotionally and cognitively in Egypt forever. By letting go, we became a free nation and the chosen nation.

Chazal stress this very point on an individual level as well. The Gemara states, “Our sages have taught that about those who are insulted but do not insult others, who bear their shame but do not respond, who act out of love and are joyful in their suffering, the verse states: ‘And they that love Him are as the sun going forth in its might’ ” (Maseches Gittin 36b).

Chazal are teaching us that the wisest and best approach for dealing with those who wrong us is by simply letting go. The Sefer Hachinuch explains that this technique, while not easy, is the way that great people live (Mitzvah 338). Holding on to the injustice will hold a person hostage, emotionally and cognitively, to the situation. Relinquishing one’s claim allows for detachment from the entanglement and thus complete freedom.

While contemporary psychological studies and research prove that letting go is the healthiest way to move on after being mistreated, I personally witnessed this at work. My grandparents, all Holocaust survivors whose entire families were murdered at the hands of the Nazis, never looked back, never blamed, and never articulated negativity.

Instead, they let go of the golden life they had, let go of the torment they experienced, and let go of the agony they endured. They moved forward, built beautiful families, successful careers, and defeated Hitler by letting go. Indeed, tens of thousands of such individuals rebuilt their lives and our nation. With incredible fortitude, they let go and rebuilt a broken nation to a glorious nation.

Of course, we can never judge the feelings of anyone who endured the Holocaust. But we can learn from our ancestors how to “forgive and forget,” “let bygones be bygones,” and to “bury the hatchet,” on a personal and national level.

3. It’s Meant to Be

The third approach is found in the writing of the Rishonim. We must understand that everything that happens to us comes from Hashem. For some this may be the hardest approach, and for others the easiest.

The Sefer Hachinuch (Mitzvah 241) begs us to take his words to heart and know “that everything that happens to man, be it good or bad, is an orchestrated event brought about from Hashem, and that no matter occurs without the will of Hashem. So when another person causes him pain or suffering, he should realize that his own sins were the cause, and that Hashem decreed this injury or suffering upon him.

“Therefore, he should not focus his thoughts on taking revenge on the one who has harmed him, since that person is not the cause of his distress. Rather his own sin is the true cause. As King David said when Shimi ben Gera heaped curses upon him, ‘Leave him be and let him curse, for Hashem has told him to do this.’ That is, that King David blamed the matter on his own sin, rather than on his antagonist, Shimi ben Gera.”

The Sefer Hachinuch, following the approach of the Chovos Halevavos, understands that “no person or other creation can harm another without Hashem’s permission” (Shaar Habitachon 3). With this attitude, we can walk through life with a protective shield against anyone who wrongs us. Everything that occurs is from Hashem, including the affronts that come our way. This approach requires study, work, thought, wisdom, and perseverance.

Rare is it that one goes through life without any unpleasant altercations. Each of us suffers insults, wounds, slights, offenses, or affronts on some level. When this happens to you, consider these three approaches to ensure a proper response cognitively, emotionally, spiritually, and verbally. This will calm you, internally and externally, and give you the greatest reward in this world and the next.

Rabbi Moshe Walter is the rav of Woodside Synagogue Ahavas Torah in Silver Spring, Maryland; the executive director of the Vaad Harabbanim of Greater Washington; a popular speaker; and the author of the Making of Halachah, Minhag, Mentsch, and Siddur series published by Feldheim.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1100)