My son thinks it’s unfair that I don’t discipline my stepson

Q:

Three years after my divorce, I married a widower with two sons, aged nine and eleven. My own boys are eight and eleven, and I also have a daughter aged six. My kids are with my ex-husband’s new family for two weeks of the month and with us for the other two. Here’s my question: I want my stepsons to love me as their mother, and I know this is a big ask considering I’m not their real mother who they loved so much. For this reason, I don’t reprimand them, discipline them, or attempt to set limits with them — I leave all this to their dad. Of course, I raise my own kids normally. However, my eleven-year-old is becoming resentful. He wants to know why he gets punished if he speaks rudely to me, but his stepbrothers can say whatever they want (and so on). My other kids haven’t complained yet, but I suspect they might be feeling the same way. What should I be telling him?

A:

“Blended” families are very challenging. Although there are some that just seem to work right away, many others take years to “blend.” In fact, many will never blend at all. Some stepchildren will develop beautiful, loving relationships with their stepparents and others will not.

I hear how much you are hoping to become a beloved parent to your husband’s children and hopefully you will. However, you may be surprised to learn which factors can increase the likelihood of that outcome and which can erode it.

Let’s start with the bad news: Children don’t want extra parents no matter how nice they may be. A child wants his mother and father. Stepkids, when corrected or confronted by a stepparent, will often say something to the effect of, “You can’t tell me what to do, you aren’t my real mother!” They feel this way even if their real mother isn’t alive.

A child knows that he has one real mother and one real father and that someone else claiming to be his parent is some sort of imposter or fraud. Of course, he’s very wrong about this; the person who is feeding him, clothing him, driving him, taking him to the doctor, studying with him, gifting him, nurturing him through health and illness and otherwise “parenting” him, is, in fact, an authentic parent raising a child. Nonetheless, many children feel an allegiance to their two biological parents and simply will not embrace a third or fourth parent. This isn’t necessarily a conscious decision on their part; it is more of an instinct — a feeling beyond their intentional control.

Stepparents need to be prepared for the possibility that despite their warm and loving input, they may ultimately be rejected. Although there are many happy exceptions to this experience, awareness of its real possibility can inform parenting efforts — in a good way. For instance, it allows for normal, healthy parenting as opposed to “special” parenting. It allows for the combination of warmth and limits (authoritative parenting) rather than boundless love without limits (laissez-faire parenting), which has been shown to actually be harmful to children.

Referring all discipline and limits to the natural parent reduces, rather than enhances, your parenting status. Providing limits doesn’t mean providing cruelty, coldness, rejection or other unwanted interactions. Just as you combine love and authority with your own biological children — loving them enough to raise them — you can do this with your stepchildren. This helps them feel like they’re yours, no matter what they say to your face. You’re treating them normally — applying the 80-20 Rule because you truly care for them and are willing to provide what is actually good for them. They read your lack of fear as true parenting. Refusing to get involved in actually raising them ( saying “no” when appropriate, disciplining when necessary, setting healthy boundaries and limits) is a form of distancing them, of saying they belong only to their father and not to you.

Importantly, raising them as you raise your own children increases the security of both sets of children. Jealousy and insecurity of your own kids is reduced as they watch you be fair and confident in your parenting of their stepsiblings. The rules are the same for everyone. You’re the mother of the household and everyone feels your love, guidance, and protection.

Similarly, your new husband should be parenting your kids in the same authoritative (loving and guiding) manner. Whether or not your kids come to love and accept your new husband as a second father or your husband’s kids come to love and accept you as the mother who raised them for the second half of their childhood is out of your control. Many factors are at play. However, you will have done what you can do as a parent and stepparent. That’s all that any of us can do.

As for your son’s question — when you follow this new path, the question will disappear on its own.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 981)