My husband is very harsh with my kids. Is it my role to put a stop to it?

Q:

My husband’s father was a bully. I only knew him for a couple of years before he passed away, but even in that short time I could see what kind of man he was — critical, sarcastic, diminishing. My husband has told me so many stories from his childhood, each one so painful. I honestly don’t know how a father could have been so cruel and harsh to his own children.

Despite this, my husband somehow managed to grow up “normal.” He’s a good man with good values. However, I do see a bit of his father in him when it comes to parenting. Even though I know he loves our six kids, he sometimes displays a nasty streak in his interactions with them. It only shows up when he’s correcting them. I assume that his behavior is simply a learned pattern internalized from the way his father treated him. It could be that he isn’t even aware he’s doing it.

The main thing is that he is very diminishing. He’ll use sarcasm to make a point, saying something like, “Oh, did your baby sister teach you to cry like that?” to our six-year-old who was hysterically crying from the pain and shock of a gashed knee. Why shouldn’t a six-year-old cry when he’s hurt? Or, if the four-year-old acts like a four-year-old, asking why he has to have a bath, my husband will mimic him, saying in a baby voice, “Why Mommy? Why Mommy? Why bath Mommy? Why me bath?”

I’ve tried to talk to my husband about these behaviors in the past, and he’s just brushed me off saying things like, “It’s the way I talk to them. I don’t tell you how to speak to our kids, please don’t tell me how to talk to them.” I feel he is harming the kids, but I can’t stop him from doing it. Am I just supposed to stand by quietly and let him continue doing it?

NO,you’re not supposed to stand quietly by. If your husband was beating your kids with a belt because they cried in pain from a knee injury or because they asked why they had to have a bath, and then he told you to stay out of it, would it be right for you to stay out of it? Of course not!

Although your husband isn’t committing physical violence, he’s committing emotional harm. You’re most likely correct in stating that he may not be aware of what he’s doing and that he simply internalized a parenting approach from his own childhood experience (as we all do).

However, these aren’t reasons for you to allow the dysfunction to continue. Our parenting can harm not only our children, but also our grandchildren and great-grandchildren as each generation internalizes the abusive approach.

Unfortunately, you will have to do the hard work of standing up to your husband. Ignore his dismissal and forge onward. Say, “No, I mean it. You can’t speak to our children this way! They respect you so much, and when you’re harsh with them, it hurts them to the core. They want to please you. Why not say, ‘Let’s not cry now. We’re here with you, and we’ll take care of that knee. Oh, look! Here comes the ambulance!”

If your husband protests that he doesn’t want his way of speaking criticized, you can tell him straight out: “Your way causes harm to our children. You have to stop being sarcastic and imitating them.” If appealing to logic doesn’t help, bring the matter to a third party — a rav or professional counselor. Do whatever is necessary to bring about meaningful change. Understand that imperfect parenting is normal and something that every imperfect parent (i.e., every parent) including yourself, engages in.

However, destructive parenting such as when a parent mimics, puts down, humiliates, or otherwise crushes a child on a regular basis must be corrected in the same way we would insist on correcting physical abuse. Shed your own fear and ambivalence and take care of your children.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 979)