“If you have lettuce and greenhouse-grown lettuce, what is the difference? Nothing! So why is it different with diamonds?”

Cut the Cookie Cutting [Hi, It’s the School Calling… Again / Issue 977]

Thanks for Bayla Geberer’s article, “Hi, It’s the School Calling… Again,” about how parents and schools can work together when a child isn’t succeeding in the school’s framework. I really appreciated how the article shared perspectives from all sides — the parents and teachers, successful interventions versus failed ones.

At the same time, though, I was dismayed by the wide range of children who needed extra help. Rivky’s case was a classic example: She’d been getting tutored for four years, with nothing to show for it but a loss of self-esteem. As Rivky’s mother noted, there’s always going to be one student who’s lagging toward the back of the class — but Rivky had been maintaining her own, making steady progress, and succeeding socially. Then Rivky’s mother learned how many of her daughter’s friends were being tutored. “The school was pressuring half the class to become honors-level students!” she said. “This wasn’t about my daughter being at the bottom of the class. This was about the school not being okay with anyone at the bottom.”

Today, we have so much more knowledge about how to help struggling learners; we have evaluations and IEPs and interventions, SEITs and medications. But with a wealth of tools at our fingertips, I worry that we’ve completely forgotten that it’s not that some children don’t fit into the mold — it’s that we were never supposed to be turning out cookie-cutter children in the first place. If so many of the kids in our system can’t manage within it, then maybe we need to take a step back and figure out how we can make a more inclusive system.

Name Withheld

Whose Responsibility? [Hi, It’s the School Calling… Again / Issue 977]

I read your article about schools calling parents when issues arise, and it made me feel nostalgic. Growing up, my own parents were loving, but not especially involved with the little details in my life. When I became a mother, I made a conscious effort to be more involved, especially when it came to their schooling. When my kids were young, I welcomed every phone call. I saw it as a sign of partnership between me and the school.

Then my son started yeshivah gedolah. When the mashgiach called to say he was consistently oversleeping and missing shiur, my initial instinct was to rush into action — but then I reconsidered. I realized it was time to ask myself a difficult question, “Is this my responsibility, or is this his?”

It wasn’t easy to answer the question, but I knew the most loving thing right then was to step back. My son wasn’t a little boy anymore. If he was struggling, he needed to take ownership, even if that meant experiencing consequences.

One of the hardest but most important things parents need to learn is when not to be involved. There’s a time to intervene, and there’s a time to step aside and let our children stand on their own. Both take real courage.

An Experienced Mother

Retired Man in the House [Inbox / Issue 977]

Like the letter writer who was disappointed in the article on retired husbands, I, too, was astounded at the negative tone of the article about wives struggling to adjust to their husband’s increased presence at home. Shouldn’t this be something to enjoyed and celebrated?

Ironically, my husband pointed out to me that Chazal actually quote this as a popular saying in ancient times (Arachin:19a): Saba b’baisa, pacha b’baisa; savta b’baisa, sima b’baisa — When there’s a grandfather in the house, there’s a burden in the house; when there’s a grandmother in the house, there’s a treasure in the house. I guess the issue of retired husbands feeling lost and burdening the household isn’t a new one, it’s part of the human condition, and we’re all going to struggle with it at some point!

R.J.

Misguided Advice [Family Living / Issue 977]

I enjoyed the roundup in which mothers shared their most memorable tip from a pediatrician, but wanted to take issue with the doctor who told his patient that, “When you have small kids, you’re allowed to rely on malachim.” Yes, it’s true that — as he noted — you can’t wrap your kids in bubble wrap and you can’t be everywhere. And it’s also true that every parent of small children has breathed a sigh of relief and offered a silent, Thank You, Hashem, as they rush to pull their toddler off the counter or fish a small toy out of their baby’s mouth.

But relying on those malachim as a l’chatchilah strikes me as misguided. Hashem gave us these children, and with them, the awesome responsibility to watch and care for them. It’s up to us to do our best, to set ourselves up for success, to do what hishtadlus we can. And only then can we take a step back, exhale, and know that we can rely on Hashem’s kindness and care. Yes, Hashem’s watching our children — but we also need to.

Faygie R.

Support Systems  [Real Life / Issue 977]

Reading “The Dress,” about a woman stuck in Portugal on bed rest, not long after I myself gave birth to my first baby and received meals from my community for two whole weeks as well as a helping hand from my mother and mother-in-law, made me wonder how many women give birth or go through medical crises without a support system. The writer’s situation was so sad. It made me really appreciate the chesed I received, and I’m looking forward to passing it on to others when I get back to myself.

L.K.

The Jews Are Moving In [On Your Mark / Issue 976]

It was interesting to read the article about Tova Chatzinoff-Rosenfeld’s work as head of the Anti-Defamation League in Brooklyn. I work in a public school outside of a large Jewish community, and have definitely felt, through different administrations, that there were situations that felt, to quote, “out of the box,” specifically with regard to Yamim Tovim.

Although the school I am in now feels more friendly, I recently had a second-grade student tell me that his family was moving “because the Jews are moving in.” It would never occur to me to report something like that, because it feels so normal in the current climate. After reading your article, I think that I would do so in the future. Thanks for bringing awareness about the importance of sharing these experiences to allow for data to be collected and used in a productive manner.

Mimi Schoenfeld 

A Luggage Rack [Family Living / Issue 975]

As we live out of town and both host and are hosted often, I nodded in agreement to this accurate piece of tips on hosting. I just wanted to add one more idea — a luggage rack. Or at least a chair or two that can support luggage. We place a luggage rack or two in each of our guest rooms, and we so appreciate when our hosts have one. If there isn’t one, we have to bend down to the floor to retrieve or replace items from our luggage. We don’t want to soil your beautiful linens by using the bed for this purpose. So please, consider an inexpensive luggage rack for your guest room, as an essential, as well!

E.M.

A Rose Is a Rose Is a Rose [Faux Real / Issue 973]

I was very disappointed in the article on lab diamonds. I personally think they are the best thing to hit the wedding market. As they say, “A rose is a rose is a rose.” Lab-grown and natural diamonds are the exact same thing.

I wanted to point out two things. Diamond mining is very dangerous and dirty work. Remember the Chilean miners who were stuck down there for over a month in 2010? Why would we encourage that?

Secondly, if you have lettuce and greenhouse-grown lettuce, what is the difference? Nothing! So why is it different with diamonds?

Name Withheld

Maybe I’m Not a Brat [What I’d Like My Daughter to Know / Issue 973]

I felt really validated by this tidbit in the article where mothers shared what advice they’d like to give their daughters: Some stages of life are painful and seem endless; others pass so quickly that you have to really tune in to experience joy in the moment. I spent many years of mothering feeling exhausted and overwhelmed by looking after my little children, and felt incredibly guilty that instead of enjoying the brachos Hashem had given me, I was so stressed out by them.

When I read that line, I had an epiphany — maybe I wasn’t actually an ungrateful brat, it’s just that it is very demanding to juggle a job, a home, and a number of little children close in age who at that stage of life, need you to do everything for them. Now that my children are a little older, it’s so much easier. So, young mothers out there, yes, you are blessed, and yes, you are also challenged, and feel free to feel both simultaneously!

A Mother

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 978)