“As a person matures, those priorities often need to shift. Dating becomes less about sparks and more about seriousness”
She Gave You Life [Real Life / Issue 974]
I was deeply moved by the story showcasing a woman’s extraordinary maturity and compassion toward her mother, who struggled with mental illness. Despite constant hurt, she chose to maintain a relationship, demonstrating remarkable courage and selflessness.
Her poignant words, “I do not have to regret any of it… The nachas she deserved simply because she was the one who brought me into this world. Ima gave me life,” underscore the profound bond between a parent and child.
This story serves as a powerful reminder to those who’ve distanced themselves from their parents: It’s time for introspection and reconciliation. Causing pain to a parent has far-reaching consequences, and without shalom, there’s no brachah.
Thank you for sharing this inspiring story, which I hope will spark healing and understanding.
A Reader
Can’t Wait [Inheritance / Issue 974]
Inheritance, Leah Gebber’s fantastic historical fiction serial, is the first thing I turn to nowadays when I open my magazine (yes, even before the Kichels!).
The beautiful depth to each character, the historical facts merged together with a feeling that encompasses Klal Yisrael’s long-standing struggles in galus, the feelings of women who want to be more spiritually connected and yearn for something higher while taking care of each other in sisterhood, the deep and complicated emotions around the intergenerational relationships... it’s all woven together masterfully using language that echoes old times without being too complicated or cumbersome to read.
I’m thoroughly enjoying the thought-provoking and emotionally stimulating story. I can’t wait to see how it all comes together, but I know that the value is in the journey more than in the resolution!
A Grateful Reader
What Was the Purpose? [Faux Real / Issue 973]
I’m a bochur in shidduchim, and while I was home for Shabbos Chanukah, my mother showed me the article about lab-grown diamonds. I was deeply disturbed by it. It seemed to be denigrating lab diamonds, as if only natural diamonds have value. Of all the jewelers who gave their expertise in this article, I found that only David Stanton was actually giving unbiased information. But then the article continued to give a very negative opinion on lab diamonds, with quotes like,“If your wife is real, buy her real” and “It feels like buying Chanel from AliExpress.”
May all Yidden be showered with simchahs, but there are a lot of expenses involved, and here is a way to save money, starting with the engagement ring. But no, because the diamond in the ring isn’t a “natural,” imperfect stone, then it isn’t special. Personally, I intend to buy a diamond ring for my kallah, b’ezras Hashem, with money that I saved up, and yes, it will be a lab diamond because I’m paying for it, and I’m not depending on my parents’ bank account.
The message of this article seems to say that even young adults should turn up their nose at lab-grown diamonds.
This is my question: Why are we reinforcing this lifestyle of materialism and opulence when most of us are normal people with normal budgets? How could you make the recipient of a lab-grown piece feel any less cherished or special than someone who received a “real” diamond?
Why, when one of the professionals reinforces the concept that lab-grown diamonds are the same and it’s a matter of snobbery to turn them down, is that opinion disregarded? Is our goal to give in to the consumerism and growing debt that people find themselves in?
A Concerned Bochur
Charity Begins at Home [POV / Issue 973]
I’m responding to the article debating whether or not to give your children an allowance. I worked for noprofit organizations for most of my working life and provided support for the volunteer fundraisers.
Each year, an outside organization held a fundraising day at a local hotel. My organization sent me several times. I don’t remember much about the sessions, with one exception. A young woman, the daughter of a very (non-Jewish) wealthy, old-money family, gave a presentation. There were five children in the family. They each got a weekly allowance and were expected to put aside ten percent for charity.
At the end of the month, their very busy father would sit down with each child. The child was supposed to pick a charity to give their “maaser” money to, and explain why they chose that particular charity. I was blown away.
The children learned by experience, at an early age, to be charitable. At least once a month, they had their father’s undivided attention. Win-win for everyone.
Name Withheld
Not for Entertainment [Musings / Issue 973]
I’d like to comment on the the piece titled “The Reality Check Résumé.” I understand that these articles are meant to be entertaining, but I found this one insensitive to singles and their parents. While the shidduch crisis is widely acknowledged, using it as comic relief, feels hurtful and unnecessary.
“She’s smart, but not too smart.”
“She’ll live anywhere her future husband would like to live.”
Her siblings are described only in reference to her shidduch plight.
“She’ll drive to Lakewood now if you have a date for her.”
“She can come in WHENEVER — it can even be a one-and-done.”
Shidduchim, or the absence of them, aren’t amusing. For women who are still waiting, and for parents who spend months calling shadchanim hoping someone will remember their daughter and say yes, this is an incredibly vulnerable place to be. Seeing that pain treated lightly in the pages of a publication that strives to uphold higher standards was jarring.
A Concerned Mother of a Woman in Shidduchim
Always an Objective [All Together, All the Time / Issue 973]
I greatly appreciated the recent article by Lori Holzman Schwartz discussing the challenges to the marital relationship once the husband retires. The author did a masterful job in covering many details.
However, there are other variables that will play a role as we age. One spouse may age at a more rapid pace. One would still like to travel and attend social events and simchahs, while the other has become more sedentary. One would like to host the family regularly, while the other relishes his/her privacy and peace and quiet.
And then we have the health issues that crop up. As has been so eloquently, stated, “Aging is not for the faint of heart!” Dealing with one’s own health issues along with a spouse’s ailments can be challenging.
I echo the conclusion stated so eloquently by the author. We must appreciate our spouses. And of course, they should appreciate us! It’s still super worthwhile to invest effort and energy into our shalom bayis, even at this point! Especially at this point! Remember, we’re always role modeling for our adult children, even at this age. We’re demonstrating for them what a healthy, happy marriage looks like as we venture into the senior years.
Remember how we learned as chassan and kallah: Ish v’ishah, Shechinah shruyah beineihem. When there is shalom in the home, the Shechinah is present. That must still be our major objective.
Miriam Liebermann
Make the Jump [Now We’re Talking / Issue 973]
I’m a frequent reader, but an infrequent commentator. In the recent Chanukah edition, I read a question from a young woman expressing frustration that she’s repeatedly encouraged to go out with boys who are either significantly shorter than she prefers or who aren’t professionals. She reports that when she does go out, her concerns are confirmed and she feels she has wasted her time.
I’m assuming this questioner isn’t 18 years old. From the tone, it sounds like she’s somewhat older. If that assumption is incorrect, then at least please keep the following perspective in mind for future readers in similar situations.
At a certain point in life, dating must be viewed differently. When people are young, they expect the stars to align. There is an expectation of excitement and emotional intensity. That is natural and appropriate at an earlier stage.
However, as a person matures, those priorities often need to shift. Dating becomes less about sparks and more about seriousness — about the ability to build a future, raise children, and create a stable home. That requires looking past traits that may feel important, but are, in the long run, largely superficial.
This may mean dating someone whose height or profession isn’t ideal and finding that it bothers you. That discomfort is real. But if the conversation is pleasant, values align, and there is genuine compatibility, it may still be wise to proceed — even to marry him. Yes, you may walk down to the chuppah knowing he’s not the “boy of your dreams.” You may feel nervous, subdued, and not emotionally swept away. And that’s okay.
With time — after building a home and raising children together — those earlier concerns often fade into insignificance, sometimes even becoming sources of humor. You may not feel it on the wedding day, but that doesn’t mean you won’t feel it later.
Of course, there are limits. If the issue reflects something extreme — such as a lack of ambition or responsibility, or an attribute so unusual that it genuinely disturbs you — that is a different matter. But if the concern falls within a normal range, and you could envision being friends with this person, enjoying his company, and building a life together, then taking that leap may be the wiser choice.
This isn’t easy advice to follow. It requires courage and a recalibration of expectations. But for many, making that jump ultimately leads to happiness.
Someone Who Made the Jump
Last week’s article, “Are You Strong Enough?”, included a link to bonus material, including a 14-step test to assess your mobility. Some of our readers reported technical difficulties with the link; these have been corrected. You can scan the code, visit mishpacha.com/strengthtest, or email familyfirst@mishpacha.com for the material.
