“There is meaningful value in trying to reach common ground”

My son’s school is insisting on getting him evaluated so they can push us to medicate him. I think they’re looking for the easy way out, and we’re not afraid of doing the hard work necessary to raise a thriving child who happens to learn differently. Is there a point in trying to get them to see my side? And if yes, how can I do it?

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield

There is often a natural tension between parents’ protective feelings of their child and the school’s responsibility to the classroom environment. But there is meaningful value in trying to reach common ground

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hen a school insists that a child undergo an evaluation, some parents understandably feel pressured, especially if they worry that the school’s ultimate goal is to recommend medication. Many parents believe deeply in their children’s potential and are willing to invest significant effort to help them thrive without jumping immediately to medical interventions. This can naturally create tension. The parents feel protective of their child, while the school feels responsible for the classroom environment and the child’s academic progress.

The question becomes: Is it worth trying to get the school to see things from the parents’ perspective? And if so, how?

The first step is acknowledging that no one, not even the most dedicated parent, can compel a school to stretch beyond what it is realistically capable of handling. Each educational institution understands its staffing, resources, and limits better than anyone else. The hanhalah and staff are experts in what they can manage within a classroom setting, and sometimes what parents perceive as reluctance is actually the school recognizing its own constraints.

Still, there is meaningful value in trying to reach common ground. The most productive path is often to address the school’s concerns through alternative means, showing them that you take the situation seriously and that you are committed to supporting your child’s growth. Schools generally want to see progress; how that progress is achieved may be open to discussion. Bringing in outside help, hiring tutors, arranging skill-building sessions, or consulting specialists can all serve as strong signals that the family is actively and responsibly involved.

Parents who meet with teachers, follow through with recommended supports, ensure consistency at home, and pursue professional evaluations when appropriate, are showing a willingness to “go the extra mile”; this  can frequently inspire the school to stretch further as well. This kind of partnership demonstrates mesirus nefesh and reassures the school that the child’s needs will not fall solely on an already-strained classroom system.

However, when parents are unwilling to take significant steps to address a child’s challenges and expect the school to “just handle it,” the school’s flexibility often becomes limited. In such cases, the administration may see no choice but to insist on certain evaluations or interventions before staff can responsibly continue educating the child.

Ultimately, the goal is not to “win” or to avoid evaluation at all costs. The goal is to create a collaborative environment in which parents and educators can work together to support a child who learns differently. When both sides approach the conversation with respect, honesty, and shared responsibility, even difficult discussions can lead to positive outcomes, and a child can receive the support he or she genuinely needs to succeed.

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield is the Head of School at Yeshiva Toras Emes of Houston, and the director of the Yeshiva Leadership Group.

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld

When schools demand an evaluation, it should come as no surprise to the parent because it’s probably coming after years of them and the school trying to help the child succeed. The school is not being vindictive, they are searching for solutions

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hen I read such a question, I almost feel like there is an entire first half of the story missing. As a menahel of a mainstream yeshivah, I can say comfortably on behalf of my fellow principals that any process that culminates in the school insisting on an evaluation is

1. an arduous and sensitive one, and
2. very rarely comes with “a push to medicate” but rather an insistence that an evaluation be done by a professional who can help guide the parents and school on what the proper approach for this child should be.

This is not to say that parents of a challenging child will never differ greatly with their school on what that proper approach should be. But it’s almost unfathomable that a parent will be blindsided by a phone call or a meeting to seek further professional intervention. Such a meeting or insistence usually comes after months — sometimes even years — of the parents and the school trying different ways to help the child succeed.

In my experience, if a parent is willing to go the extra mile and really partner with the school, most yeshivos welcome that with open arms.

You say you are willing to do “the hard work necessary to raise a thriving child who happens to learn differently.” Great! What does that really mean? It’s a nice thought, but I imagine the school is saying to you that they have indeed done all the hard work they can and they still are having trouble reaching your child. I would hope that your child’s school is not simply being vindictive. They are searching for solutions. If you have real, practical ideas that can be effective, don’t be shy. Tell them!

I’d like to add one last thought that I believe needs to be conveyed with sensitivity but is so important for parents to internalize. Are you really disappointed in the school for “taking the easy way out”? Do you really think your plan will succeed? Or, is there a part of you that is just really uncomfortable with getting your child evaluated? There is sometimes a very negative stigma attached to medication that makes us recoil at even the suggestion. Hopefully the following mashal can help.

Imagine your school called you in and said that your daughter is struggling to read. After a while, it turns out that she just can’t see the board. And so, naturally, the school recommends that you take her to have her vision evaluated. Our reaction as parents would be a sigh of relief to finally have answers and a solution.

A child who indeed needs medication to function properly in school should be viewed the same way. Your child is the same great kid as before. It’s just a different kind of “glasses.”

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld is the menahel of Yeshiva Ketana of Manhattan and Rosh Mosad of Bais Tzipra of Manhattan, and director of Camp Aish.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1093)