“It [Diverging] resonates so much that my therapist, my aunt, and even my grandmother thought I had written it!”

Less Alone [Diverging / Issue 970]

I want to thank you for the Diverging series about a woman with high-functioning autism. It’s the first time I’ve seen my own thoughts and experiences so accurately reflected in writing. I was diagnosed this past February, and since then I’ve been searching for something that captures what it’s really like. This series does exactly that.

It resonates so much that my therapist, my aunt, and even my grandmother thought I had written it!

I especially relate to the emotional side and the challenges around communication. While Meira experiences hypersensitivity, I actually have hyposensitivity — under-sensitivity to sensory input — but I still connect deeply with her inner world.

Each week I look forward to the next part of the story, and I’m especially eager to see what kind of help Meira receives. It gives me hope and helps me feel less alone in my own journey.

To Meira, you express yourself in a way that feels so familiar, and you sound like the kind of friend I wish I had. If there’s any way to connect with others in my circumstances, I’d truly love to.

Thank you again, Family First, for giving voice to those of us who are often unseen or misunderstood.

Warmly,

Someone Who Really Relates 

Paving a Path [Finding Home / Issue 969]

I’m writing in regards to your article in last week’s issue about a mother who gave up her baby with Down syndrome to foster care, and then brought him home. As a mom of a delicious eight-year-old boy with Down syndrome, this story pulled at my heartstrings. I cried like a baby and laughed with tears of joy with her as she brought her son home.

Thank you for printing this unbelievably raw and intimate story. I’m privileged to have grown up in Lakewood (a community where special children are embraced and we’re not as familiar with the concept of giving away). Baruch Hashem, through the famous Lucky Moms of DS chat I’ve become friends with so many mothers who unfortunately had stories like this, and had to fight relatives and mentors to keep their babies and bring them home.

I truly commend you for printing this very important story. You’re paving a new path in the hearts of the future mothers and grandmothers who will need to walk this journey.

Ricka Kirschenbaum

Without Shame [Words Unspoken / Issue 968]

Reading the recent Words Unspoken from the friend of a teacher who left chinuch because of the chutzpah levels of today’s kids and the lack of parental backing for teachers, and the poll on the final page which showed that 95 percent of parents wouldn’t punish a child if they’d already received a punishment in school, I was struck by how neatly they land on opposite extremes — and how neither one seemed to offer real clarity our children, parents, and teachers actually need.

As someone who taught both elementary and high school classes for several years, I appreciated the sentiment of the Words Unspoken (and I know that since I left the classroom several years ago, the problems mentioned have only become worse). But the solution the letter writer suggested: A month-long sleepover ban and a missed sports league game, with no discussion of what the children actually did and whether they understood the impact of their actions? That response was punitive, with no attempt at discussion, repair, or guidance. Just, “they heard the message loud and clear.”

If that’s what “backing teachers” means, it’s no surprise many parents hesitate. Not because they don’t respect educators, but because they’re wary of replacing real parenting with harsh punishment.

And yet, the poll on the following page offers an equally limited view. With 95 percent of respondents saying they wouldn’t discipline at home for school misbehavior and referring to any consequence as “bullying” or traumatic, we risk sending a different kind of message: that children are never to be held accountable outside the classroom. That if they received any consequence already, the role of the parent is just to comfort, not to guide.

But we can teach respect without using shame. If a child was disrespectful to a substitute teacher, for example, and the school handled it with a generic group punishment, a parent still has a role to follow up and help the child take responsibility and repair what went wrong.

Our job is to protect our children and help them understand right from wrong.

A Parent Who Believes in Both Love and Limits

Positive Overload [Words Unspoken / Issue 968]

I don’t know if it was deliberate or coincidental to have the Words Unspoken discuss children’s chutzpah in school in the same issue as the question of whether or not to punish your children if they misbehave in school, but it was definitely ironic.

The writer of Words Unspoken seems to think that parents don’t punish their children for misbehavior in English because they don’t value the subject matter. I don’t believe this is the case at all. Parents care very much about their children’s education. They just don’t know how to demand behaviors or hold children to expectations.

Parents in our generation are constantly flooded with positive parenting philosophies and exhortations to limit directives and negative interactions with our children. While positivity, validation, gentleness, and acceptance may always be in order, we need to make sure that occurs while still guiding, teaching, and instructing our children to grow, do more, and be better.

Our job as parents is to teach our children. Learning happens best through positive, connected approaches and punishments often don’t serve as the long-term teaching strategies that we may have thought, which is why they’ve dropped out of vogue. While we may not want to punish, we still need to teach, expect, and demand more of our children.

I’d venture to say that the majority of parents aren’t demanding that their child behave in school because they can barely control their child’s behavior when he’s at home, so how in the world can they do it from afar?

And to the parents who say that punishing a child is bullying him to do what you want and misbehavior indicates that there is a larger problem at stake (with the implied message that this is the teacher’s / school’s / other children’s fault), I ask you: What are you doing to correct your child’s behavior? You don’t want to punish him because you think that’s bullying. That’s fine. But did you have a conversation and ask him why he misbehaved, and let him know that even if he has a good reason, that behavior is unacceptable? Did you come up with a plan with him to help him curb his behavior and respond in a more appropriate way?

It’s all very nice and well that we as parents are so well versed in psychology, and we’re so positive, but are we using the approaches in the correct way — are our children better off? Are they more capable of regulating their own emotions, inhibiting their impulses, and more resilient? Are they more empathic, more caring individuals?

And if not, then clearly, even with all our psychobabble, we’re doing something wrong.

A Concerned Parent

Lasting Imprint [Connections / Issue 967]

This column, about a girl who felt hurt by her high school teacher’s aggressive narrow mindedness, really resonated with me. I am 69 years old, a mother of five and grandmother of 15, and yet the words of my 11th-grade teacher still sting. As Mrs. Radcliffe wrote, I, too, have found it “hard to forgive, recover, and move on,” as those comments affected my sense of who I am.

I recently met with high school friends and learned that this same teacher had said hurtful things to another classmate. It also took her years to overcome the impact and prove her abilities — and she recently retired as a judge.

Parents shape who we are, but educators have a tremendous influence as well. For many years, children spend more waking hours with their teachers than with their parents. Educators must understand that the words they speak can leave a lasting imprint — so let it be a positive one.

Don’t be the teacher whose student, at age 69, is still carrying the weight of her harsh words.

Debra Weiner, MSW

Jerusalem, Israel

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 971)