“Go visit your parents while they’re still conscious, aware, and able to reap nachas and pleasure from your visit”

A New Pay Scale [Inbox / Issue 966]

Clearly the “Financial Literacy” letter hit a raw nerve. The snarky tone and lack of respect for our teachers’ incredible devotion sparked outrage and hurt feelings. Which is a shame, because there were some important points made in the letter, and perhaps even the kernel of a productive suggestion.

We all agree that teaching is a vitally important profession. That teachers invest their neshamos in their charges. That it’s more physically and emotionally intense than many desk jobs. That teachers deserve more prestige and a higher salary.

From the “Financial Literacy” letter and ensuing conversation, it also emerges that we agree on something else: Teachers should get paid for the work they do outside of the classroom as well. Including preparation, test marking, speaking to parents, and possibly professional enrichment. Caveat: This doesn’t include “thinking about my students all the time.” It’s beautiful and so appreciated, but a) many people think about ideas, concerns, priorities for their jobs off hours and b) only Hashem can gauge and quantify everyone’s thoughts.

If we all agree on the above, perhaps we can think about building a new pay scale for our teachers based on professional work ethics and standards. Most fundamentally, teachers’ salaries will include remuneration for both class time as well as an estimated number of hours of prep, marking papers, and communicating with parents. Understandably, newbie teachers might need to spend more time on their prep, and therefore they will make less per hour, but that is standard in most professional environments.

To facilitate this, limudei kodesh teachers should go into the job with the assumption that they’ll work until 3 p.m. Ideally, they should stay in the school building and do any prep/marking papers during those hours, before they punch out. If possible, they can schedule conversations with parents for this time as well. Secular studies teachers should assume their jobs begin at 10 a.m. with a few hours of prep/marking, or if applicable, stay in the building for two to three hours after class is over. If conversations with parents can only take place at night, the administrations might want to create a system to track hours and arrange payment if warranted. This type of “billing by the hour” might feel annoying and laborious, but it’s standard professional practice in industries where professionals’ time and expertise are valued.

There will likely be teachers who cannot or choose not to stay in the school building for their non-class hours. That is their decision, but there should be no resentment on their part about “marking papers late at night” or “scrambling to fit in bedtime and homework along with prep.”

When teachers work under professional terms, receive payment like any other professional, and set boundaries like professionals, two things will likely happen:

They, the parents, and the school administrations will take their responsibilities, abilities, and value more seriously. The entire profession will receive more prestige and more respect — both internally and externally.

They might discover that they don’t really need to work 24 hours a day and think about their students their whole life. This isn’t meant to be snarky: It’s 100 percent fine, and in fact it’s probably a lot healthier than the situation we keep hearing described in anxious letters to the editor — of teachers who can’t cook or clean for Pesach in advance, or who can’t focus on their own homes because they’re so consumed by concern for their pupils. Hopefully, once the pay system becomes more professional and teachers are able to keep their jobs inside a realistic — and justly compensated — frame, some of the desperation of “no one understands how hard we work” will be mitigated.

It must be repeated: Teaching isn’t like any other job. It is much more important and pivotal; it contains a vital ruchniyus element, and it’s so much more draining. Teachers truly invest their neshamos in their work — but that is something only Hashem can track and reward. We humans cannot evaluate and compensate the total effort that is poured into our children by our wonderful, dedicated teachers.

What we can and must do is reward the investment of time and expertise, acknowledge that teaching does not begin or end when the bell rings, and replace the current nebulous expectations with a more clear-cut and respectful pay system. These professional boundaries and infrastructure would go a long way toward achieving a better system, with less resentment for all involved.

Name Withheld

Visit When They’re in Good Shape [Real Life / Issue 964]

In the story “Flight Risk,” a son decides to make a spontaneous visit to his elderly mother and arrives just after his mother’s death. While in this case, there was terrific siyata d’Shmaya, I would urge children of aging parents NOT to wait until they hear that their parent has taken a “turn for the worst.” Go visit your parents while they’re still conscious, aware, and able to reap nachas and pleasure from your visit.

Several years ago, my husband heard that his mother had “at least three months to live,” and I urged him to visit his mother immediately. Luckily he did, as she passed away without warning the week after his visit. And while I missed visiting my own mother the year of her death, I was comforted that for the least year of her life my brothers and I had a Zoom meeting with her every other week. She knew that we cared.

Ruth Palatnik

Adult Children Need Encouragement [To Be Honest / Issue 963]

I read the opinion piece “Backfired” and really enjoyed the thought-provoking opinion expressed there that it’s a mistake to prioritize our little ones over our teens. As a parent of teens and young kids, I totally agreed with the idea that teens often need more intense Mommy time than their younger siblings, and it was so validating to read an article about that.

I wanted to add that just as teens still need “Mommy time” and Mommy validation and Mommy praises, adult children never really stop needing their mothers (and fathers) either. A quiet “You’re doing a great job raising your children,” or other well-rounded compliment to an adult child will go a long, long way and can truly fuel adult children in a way that nothing else can.

Everyone needs compliments and kind words to keep going, and somehow the compliments of a parent can achieve what nothing else can. Yes, this may take energy on the part of parents of parents — every part of parenting does — but it’s truly the type of thing that’s irreplaceable, and sometimes (I feel) overlooked by parents. If we want our children to raise well-adjusted and happy children, we need to do our part to ensure that they receive as much as we can possibly give them emotionally.

Name Withheld

Share Without Details [Words Unspoken / Issue 963]

As a woman who is dealing with infertility, I understand the woman who wrote a letter to her mother saying that even though she’s keeping her infertility journey private, she wants some acknowledgement from her mother that she’s aware she’s going through the nisayon. I understand her need for privacy. I also didn’t tell my parents anything initially. I’m a very private person by nature. I belong to Bonei Olam’s amazing and wonderful support network. They have recently launched a program called The Waiting Room, where couples who belong to Bonei Olam can hear from people who went through the challenges we’re going through and give us chizuk.

One of the speakers spoke about the importance of kibbud av v’eim, especially for people experiencing infertility. He explained that when a person has children, those children bring the grandparents nachas, and that’s a way of honoring them and keeping up a connection with them. When a couple is waiting for children, there’s a barrier there. Therefore, he encouraged couples to sit down with their parents and say, “Tatty, Mommy, I love you. I know it’s hard that we’re waiting for children. It’s hard for us, too. I wanted to let you know we joined Bonei Olam and they’re holding our hand.”

My husband did this with each of his parents separately, because that was easier for him, and they were so happy that he told them and let them know what’s going on.

My point is you don’t have to say any personal details, but it’s worthwhile to say something.

Hatzlachah and may we all see a yeshuah b’karov!

Name Withheld

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 967)