“Please, I beg girls, don’t go into the teaching field for the perks”

How I Felt [The House that Sarah Built / Issue 963]

Ever since I first read about Sarah Schenirer, I have been fascinated by her and her legacy. This is ironic, since as a girl, I was far from the ideal Bais Yaakov student.

This is the sentence in the article that sparked my desire to write this letter, “...students usually forget most of what they learn... but they never forget how they felt in the classrooms or school halls.”

The memories of my early school years are saturated with pain and grief. However, it may be this very element that drives me to thank those special few who held a torch helping me navigate through the darkness of failure and shame.

After a 45-year separation, I merited to reconnect with the brightest light of my sad early school years. The first class Rebbetzin Chaya Mannes Milevsky taught was mine, and Hashem blessed me to have Miss Mannes for second and third grade. During the summer between those years, my father passed away after a long and draining illness, leaving my mother (a young Holocaust survivor) to raise four children, the youngest of whom was two years old.

One morning, my older brother went to shul to say Kaddish and, for a reason I don’t remember, I went with him. I walked around outside and noticed Miss Mannes driving up to the bakery across the street. She invited me into the shop with her and let me choose anything I wanted. I still remember what I picked! I rarely had the opportunity to think of myself as anything but a horrible student, but Miss Mannes made me feel like a wonderful girl.

About 15 years ago, I saw Rebbetzin Brina Fried and Rabbi Solomon Moerman z”l at my niece’s wedding, after not having seen them for 50 years. I was excited to have the opportunity to thank them for their kindness and attention. Neither remembered me, one of thousands of students in multiple schools fortunate to have had them as teachers, but it felt good to be able to let them know that I remembered them.

Unfortunately, I have not merited the chance to thank my tutor, Rebbetzin Ruchi Katz Tress, who sacrificed every school morning to tutor me in Chumash. I suspect that I was rarely able to make her proud of me, but she always treated me with loving warmth, even inviting me to her home for Shabbos near the yeshivah. Ruchi, I couldn’t concentrate on much of what we reviewed, but I hope it gives you nachas to know that before Succos, my 12-year-old grandson told me he got 100 percent on his Gemara test.

I wonder if my fascination with Sarah Schenirer is due to the gratitude I owe her for making it possible for me to have been loved and cared for by a few very special women.

S.T.

Ramat Beit Shemesh

Only the Mother Really Knows [Second Guessing / Issue 963]

I’m interrupting my Chol Hamoed to become a second guesser. This Second Guessing, about a grandmother who feels her grandchildren aren’t being given enough boundaries and are wreaking havoc in her house over Yom Tov, was all we talked about on the first days.

Of course, the grandmother should have spoken to her daughter and set her straight.

But what if the circumstances were a little different? When I visit my parents for Yom Tov, I want my parents to shower my kids with love and attention and to ignore the discipline I may or may not be giving my kids in the chaotic Yom Tov environment (late nights, lots of cousins around, not in their house, etc.).

I’m sure being a grandmother is a hard balance, but I think the mom has to give her daughter the space to figure things out on her own. Only she knows who her children really are and what they’re like when no one is looking.

Name Withheld

Be the Adult [Second Guessing / Issue 963]

Mothers of marrieds need to stop fantasizing about the lovely, cozy, bonding times they will have with their children once they marry.

Your daughter has new responsibilities. She comes for Yom Tov with a brood of kids of all ages. These kids don’t have their routine, their beds, or other familiarities that keep them “sane.” And you, Bubby/Mommy, want your daughter for yourself?

Instead, step back, be the grown-up, and give your married kids and grandchildren what they need. Give your daughter real compliments about her, her husband, and her children. Cover your beautiful couch with a couch cover and let the kids eat on it.

If it’s too hard for you, don’t invite them for lengthy times.

If you want one-on-one time with your daughter, meet her on her turf, her terms, when it works for her.

Be the adult, be the giver. You’ll have much more nachas that way!

A Mother of Marrieds Who Also Remembers What It Was Like to Be a Young Couple

For the Right Reasons [Inbox / Issue 962]

I’ve been privileged to have been a teacher for many years. I was a professor in college, I’m now a school principal, and I’m married to a rebbi.

I was terribly bothered by the letter writer who wrote that teaching is a great job if only for the perks. Please, I beg girls, don’t go into the teaching field for the perks. Our children need teachers who love teaching, who have a passion for working with children, who care for and love kids. They are precious neshamos and should have only the best people imparting knowledge and hashkafah to them, not those who go into the field because of the perks such as having the same days off as their own children.

We wouldn’t want doctors who only want the prestige and salary; aren’t our children’s Yiddishkeit, and spiritual and emotional well-being as important, if not more so, than their physical well-being?

R. Schwab

Brooklyn, NY

No Two Cases Are Alike [Real Life / Issue 962]

As a young wife and mother whose husband was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis two years ago, I wanted to give hope and perspective to those in a similar situation as mine.

I say similar since no two cases are alike, and in no way dare I undermine those whose diagnoses came at a later stage than ours or those who are affected more severely, as evidently is Mrs. Hornstein’s case.

Not all cases are severe, and if caught early enough, and treated promptly, MS patients will b’siyata d’Shmaya lead a healthy and productive life. According to statistics, one in 360 people in the US has MS. The medical world has made tremendous advances in the past 20 years in this field.

My husband’s symptoms started with facial twitching, tingling, and some numbness on his left side. While waiting for insurance to clear he developed an eye blurriness which was treated with steroids for three days. He gets treatment infusions twice a year that prevent the lesions from being active and spreading. With time, baruch Hashem, all his symptoms completely went away.

Often published articles depict advanced or extreme cases, giving an incorrect and unfair portrayal of MS. The majority of patients are managing their MS effectively and it doesn’t overtake their day-to-day lives.

I can’t sign this letter without properly thanking Refuah Helpline, Mr. Herzka and Mr. Deutsch specifically, for without these special shluchim I cannot see how we would possibly be up to here.

For anyone interested, I can be contacted through Mishpacha.

A Wife of a Husband Who Also Happens to Have MS

Teens Are a Great Group [Point of View / Issue 961]

I read the responses to whether teenagers should be allowed to engage in chesed with utter bewilderment. Firstly, chesed is the very hallmark of who we are as a nation. Why would parents do anything other than encourage their daughters to help others? What sort of adults will they become?

More importantly, I’m surprised at the implication that our girls are volunteering less. I’ve literally no idea which teenagers you’re referring to. I don’t think I’m unique in living in a community where our girls are the bedrock of numerous organizations that provide vital support to so many. I know dozens of teenagers who care for children with special needs after school, during their vacation times and on Shabbos mornings. I know dozens more who support children when they have a parent with cancer r”l, do the grocery shopping for those in need, visit hospitals, nursing homes.... Need I go on? I know so many mothers who are dependent on babysitting help and are so grateful to the wonderful girls who are adored by their children when they come.

What a bizarre indictment so unjustly applied to such an exceptional group.

As to the other legitimate concerns, just as with everything else when parenting; apply common sense.

E. Cohen

London

A Bit of Bitachon [To be Honest / Issue 960]

I’d like to weigh in on the teachers’ wages issue. A while ago I spoke to my supervisor about receiving a raise (I’m not a teacher but work in a school office). I said that I live from hand to mouth, the money doesn’t even have time to land in my pocket! How would I survive when I’m older and wouldn’t be able to work anymore? His answer threw me for a loop. “You have to have bitachon that Hashem will provide,” he said.

My answer was, “How about the administration have bitachon that Hashem will provide while raising everyone’s salary?”

The mosdos have the power to hire more fundraisers and more grant writers and more ways to raise money. Individuals don’t. Give more people parnassah while giving more people a decent wage. I’m related to three fundraisers, and they make a very nice living. Yidden have big hearts and want to give. Give them the chance to give and give our teachers a chance to live!

Anonymous (for obvious reasons)

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 965)