We all love to feel appreciated. In fact many serious marital problems occur because spouses do not feel sufficiently appreciated by each other. An unappreciated husband or wife feels invisible unimportant even uncared for. Most people know how to say “thank you” — they just don’t do it. What goes wrong?

Teaching Methods

Parents can teach small children to say “thank you” but cannot necessarily teach them to feel “thank you.” Mommy serves a dish of ice cream to little Yossi. Yossi lifts his spoon ready to dive right in but Mommy remembers to teach him proper manners. “What did you forget to say Yossi?” she asks. “Thank you” he utters quickly with the spoon already halfway into his mouth. “You’re welcome ” she replies.

Similar scenes are repeated throughout the days and years until finally young Yossi becomes a chassan. His lessons served him well: he shows his kallah his excellent manners right up until the last day of sheva brachos! But now he is a married man. His wife is “supposed” to wash his clothes for him make his meals manage his house and help him in a million other ways. When she fails to perform up to his expectations he makes his displeasure clear. When she does fulfill her tasks he says nothing. After all he reasons it is her job. No one thanks him for doing what he is supposed to be doing. Why should he behave any differently?

For her part Yossi’s kallah Etti is pretty much the same. Her pleasant manners are now reserved for her friends colleagues and extended family members. She finds herself irritated with Yossi — mostly because he’s so critical. She no longer tries so hard to please him and she doesn’t feel that she needs to be positive with him because after all he’s so negative with her. And around and around it goes.

Hardened Hearts

The couple’s sense of appreciation is smothered beneath deepening layers of irritation anger and resentment. Husband and wife focus their attention on what is lacking what has gone wrong what has caused pain. Twenty years down the line when the pile of negativity has reached the ceiling these two may hardly like each other let alone appreciate each other.

Disappointment and frustration about what we are not receiving often blind us to all the gifts we are receiving. In addition festering wounds of the past (“He used to say horrible things to me”) can erode our pleasure in current progress (“Yes in the past ten years he stopped — but why should I show appreciation for that? He should never have behaved like that in the first place!”).

Cultivating and Nurturing Appreciation

The ability to feel appreciation is just as good for a person as it is for the recipient. When Etti can really feel appreciative for all the good that Yossi does she will benefit in numerous ways. Her open and loving heart will pump positive energy into every cell of her body instead of pumping the poison of bitterness into her veins. These are not metaphors: appreciation generates healthy chemistry in the body while anger generates a toxic chemical soup that as both Chazal and medical science agree not only causes constant unhappiness but also shortens the lifespan.

We all have a “right” to be mad — the people we live with tend to be imperfect and end up hurting and disappointing us. However we know that our aggravations are sent by Hashem (even if they are hand-delivered by our spouse). We need to find ways to handle our frustrations and challenges without giving ourselves over to the yetzer hara — the force that strangles appreciation and love and drenches us in the muddy waters of angry entitlement.

For her own sake as well as for the sake of her husband and her marriage Etti — along with all married individuals — needs to train her brain to search for and focus on any benefit bestowed by a spouse.

Keeping a log really helps. Write down nice things your spouse does as they occur during each day. Review the log regularly. Put complaints and resentments in a different folder. While they must be attended to they are separate and apart from all the good that one’s spouse provides. Separating the lists in this way can give the brain the space it needs to recognize and enjoy all the good that Hashem sends via a spouse. Even when there are marital issues (as there inevitably are) a person with two separate lists will always be able to really feel and express the healing balm of appreciation.