“That difficult, extremely emotionally painful feeling of shame, of taking the blame totally, is the right way and the only way, the Torah way”

Yes to Shame [Taking Shame Out of Teshuvah / Issue 960]

This article addressed a topic that so needed to be addressed. There are so many people who actually short-circuit, and may even discard, the teshuvah process because owning up to mistakes is so painful and humiliating.

The article compares the way we need to deal with shalom bayis issues to the way we need to deal with our relationship with HaKadosh Baruch Hu. Everything in the article is true when discussing relationships between husband and wife or any human relationship, since no one is perfect. We all make mistakes, do things that are wrong, and each of us contributes to the problem/situation.

However, a totally different kind of relationship exists between the Ribbono shel Olam and us. The Ribbono shel Olam is perfect and we aren’t. We owe Hashem everything, and He owes us nothing. Here, there is a place for shame, even though it’s so painful and humiliating to be so brutally honest with oneself and say, “I was wrong. How could I have done such a terrible thing to Hashem, Who is always there for me?” That difficult, extremely emotionally painful feeling of shame, of taking the blame totally, is the right way and the only way, the Torah way.

Rabbeinu Yonah, in Shaarei Teshuvah, clearly states that one of the basic foundations of teshuvah is bushah. The pain of it should cause an actual, real change of facial colors.

Chazal tell us that l’asid lavo, when Hashem is going to show each of us what we did wrong, we will be much more embarrassed than the brothers were, when Yosef announced, “Ani Yosef.” And they were so embarrassed that they couldn’t even lift their heads. When Hashem asked Adam, “Ayekah?” it was because Adam was hiding, he was so embarrassed. We cannot take shame out of teshuvah.

Yes, Hashem loves us unconditionally. Even when we do big aveiros, Hashem still loves us, and our kedushah remains totally intact. Because a Yiddishe neshamah is so sublime, so perfect that aveiros don’t ruin us, but they ruin our connection to Hashem.

Instead of teaching that people shouldn’t have emotional pain, let’s teach them that we’re so heilig and kadosh, and that we have such a close kesher to Hashem. Let’s build their self-worth and self-esteem so that even if they feel humiliation, it won’t affect their essence at all.

There’s no sweetness that could be better than that connection to Hashem, a connection that comes only after the emotional pain that we’re so frightened of.

Chaya Ginzberg

Truth Test [Parshah / Issue 960]

I look forward to Faigy Peritzman’s weekly parshah wisdom and humor! Regarding her “tongue test,” which she devised to convince her children she could tell if they were lying or not, I wanted to share the wonderful advice my very wise older sister, who is an exceptional teacher, shared with me. When one of her young students shared with her something she was unsure was true, she’d simply respond in the kindest voice, “Oh, wow! Did you really do XYZ, or do you wish it happened?” And often because of that soft, nonthreatening curiosity, the student didn’t hesitate to answer honestly!

Name Withheld

Just Do It! [Inbox/ Issue 960]

I’m writing in response to the Inbox letter regarding exercise getting left to the end of our to-do-list. While I fully understand the letter writer’s full list of things to do on any given day, I’d like to offer some suggestions. Exercise really doesn’t have to be viewed as a chore; there are so many ways to add exercise into your life. There are so many ways you can play with your baby and exercise at the same time.

You mention your children need you — turn up the music and dance! You’ll be having fun, spending time with your children, and guess what? Exercising, too. Your children also need to move, have you ever thought about how much time they spend sitting?

Or you can start with small steps like parking at the end of the parking lot and walking that little bit extra.

Stretching every day, especially for women, is imperative.

It’s not only about your weight, it’s also about your muscles, your brain health, your flexibility, your metabolic function, your blood sugar, looking toward your future with strong bones, and so many more benefits I can’t list in one letter to the editor. Exercise doesn’t need to be fancy; it needs to be done!

Leora Savage

Personal Trainer

Passaic, NJ

Do the Math [To Be Honest / Issue 960]

It was painful to read about “quality teachers” leaving the profession for financial reasons. It would be wonderful if we could wave a magic wand and put these teachers on the highest salary band in the land. They truly deserve it.

However, with most schools strapped for cash, it’s not realistic to expect this to happen right now. I think it’s still worth bearing in mind additional important points before ditching teaching for another, seemingly more lucrative career, in particular for frum women:

Comparative studies show that while the hourly rate for a non-teaching job may be considerably higher than for a teaching job, this often doesn’t include holiday pay. When you factor in holiday pay, per annum salaries for teachers are often higher than non-teaching jobs. Do the math.

Out-of-school-hours preparation and marking have traditionally been a concern for some; however, my former students report that after “investing” in the first year, and building up a “bank” of lesson plans and teaching resources, workload is significantly reduced.

Aside from the pay, there are many other considerations:

Graduates of degree courses can end up working a grueling full-time schedule while bringing up a family, without the family-friendly advantages such as generous (usually paid) holidays that teachers benefit from.

The atmosphere and environment of a school are eminently suitable for frum employees.

The job satisfaction is incomparable. As one veteran teacher put it, “I’ve been teaching for twenty-five years and I’m still excited about my job.”

I share this article, “There for My Children,” about why one frum woman chose the teaching profession, with my trainee teachers every year, with permission from the source, which was none other than Family First.

Here’s what she wrote:

Which other job offers you winter vacation together with your children?

Which other job offers you a full ten weeks off in the summer?

Which other job offers Yiddishe Mamas days off before and after a Yom Tov?

Which other job allows me to leave my house for a few hours and still get babysitting on-site for my toddlers?

And lastly, which other job would give me so much insight into the lives of children, so I can give my kids a better upbringing than I otherwise would have?

  So while there are a variety of options out there, a careful weighing up of the pros and cons is needed. Sometimes, the grass looks greener on the other side.

As a classroom rebbi once replied to a self-satisfied businessman who asked him condescendingly, “You’re a teacher, be honest. What do you make?”

“You want to know what I make? I make a DIFFERENCE. What do you make?” he answered.

R. Atkins QTS NPSLBA

It’s Not a Job, It’s a Mission [To Be Honest / Issue 960]

The article about keeping our teachers in the teaching field immediately caught my eye because I’m both a proud mother as well as grandmother of teaching professionals.

Actually, when I saw the headline on the front cover of Family First, “Beyond Shame,” I thought that might be a better name for the essay addressing the abysmal salaries we pay those in whom we place the responsibility for the legacy of our Nation. I’m still not quite sure how we justify that. Teaching Torah is not a job — it’s a mission, and our future warrants competent and committed champions to help infuse our precious souls with love and pride.

The challenge of teaching salaries has been discussed on the pages of our weekly publications ad nauseam.

It’s time for a revolution.

Instead of accepting the reality of allowing the best and the brightest to look for alternative avenues of income, here’s another idea. How about paying them a living wage? A real one. And stop giving them ideas on how they can increase their income by doing side jobs. They, too, have lives and families and should be able to choose how to live outside of the classroom walls. Showing appreciation with chocolate trays and notes is nice. You just can’t pay the bills with it.

What happened to our priorities and when did they get so very lost? And the perks? Patting ourselves on the back by providing these incredible chinuch professionals with free or even reduced pricing for basic necessities over the holiday seasons of Pesach and Succos is not something we should acknowledge with pride. It is demoralizing to ask them to “just fill out your requests and shopping lists — a month (!) before and we will have it available for you in a specifically (inconvenient) limited designated time slot to pick up the Sunday before Yom Tov — and all you have to do is wait (usually in the rain) in an unending and embarrassing line of cars along with all the “others” so you can pick it all up. Oh, and we’ll have your friends, neighbors and talmidim there loading your trunks to embarrass you even further. And we won’t forget the box of chocolate.”

Let’s go back to basics and treat these heroes with the dignity they deserve.

Doesn’t our eternity depend on it?

Sarah Spero

Baltimore, Maryland

They’re Just Tools [Connections / Issue 959]

I’m writing in response to the piece on the different modalities that psychotherapy has to offer. While an important and fascinating topic in its own right (an almost infinite one), I felt it was essential to draw attention to a more elemental aspect of psychotherapy and what makes it successful: the relational factor; the attunement of the therapist. In other words, the person carrying out the treatment.

In my experience as therapist, many people entering therapy are doing so, on the deepest level, whether they’re conscious of it or not, because of unmet emotional needs — and are looking to psychotherapy to find a corrective experience. By unmet emotional needs, I mean the desire we all have for safety, attunement, acceptance, and connection; the need to feel seen, heard, and valued for who we are. When these needs aren’t adequately met in early relationships, they often resurface later as anxiety, emptiness, difficulties in relationships, and the like. When this lack is chronic, the effect is often very pervasive.

What a corrective experience looks like is a therapist who is deeply attuned to the client, to all the meta-aspects of whatever story the client shares, and to what it is they need in order to heal.

In a recent conversation I had with Avi Tenenbaum, an EMT and trauma expert whom I recently interviewed, he drew the following comparison: State-of-the-art equipment with which to treat people in medical emergencies is noble, but they’re of no use if there is no person to carry out the treatment or if the person using the tools isn’t adequately skilled at using them effectively.

So techniques are important. But techniques are tools. It’s the therapist’s capacity to hold the space, to really tune in to the client, which makes those tools effective.

Miriam Bloch MBACP

Golders Green, UK

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 962)