The next stage is to have savlanus with others, except when they are wronging us

IN

the last installment, we gained self-awareness about savlanus and learned to appreciate its importance. Savlanus means to be sovel, to carry a burden. We can now begin to apply it to our relationships with others. Hashem has infinite savlanus for the world, and we have to follow His ways, but let’s start with small steps. The next stage is to have savlanus with others, except when they are wronging us.

Again, we use the word kabbalah, which can be understood as “suggestions for those choosing to work with these articles in a practical way.”

Kabbalah I: When we observe someone’s negative middos, we can either feel impatience or we can accept it with savlanus. Let’s try to practice feeling patient. Notice the negative, but don’t let it move you. You may feel an initial response of anger, but don’t let it overtake you. Keep it “at bay.” Find the things you need to tell yourself to keep from becoming flooded by emotion.

Kabbalah II: Some people are patient about the negative middos of others, but they can’t be sovel someone disagreeing with them or not understanding their position. Instead of becoming impatient with others, challenge yourself. Maybe they don’t agree because you are wrong, or because you haven’t explained yourself clearly. Turn inward. Count to ten and try again. And if after trying again and explaining yourself very clearly, they still don’t agree with you, be patient about that, too. Don’t let them move you, no matter what.

Kabbalah III: You are probably very busy; most people are these days. As you run from one task to another, it sometimes happens that someone needs your time and tries to redirect you to another task. Often, you need to say no. That is fine. (Not being able to say no is its own problem. If you lack the wherewithal to do so, this is not a maalah.)

But at the moment the person is doing this, avoid becoming impatient. Practice saying, “I’m very sorry, but I can’t help you right now” — with a smile and inner calm. Don’t let resentment build toward the “innocent interrupter.”

We tend to get annoyed when others distract us from our goals. Don’t they see that I’m learning, on the phone, concentrating on a problem, or just taking a well-deserved breather? What is wrong with them?

But you can hold your ground without having to view this person as an “enemy.” In truth, our lack of savlanus is the enemy. When we feel pressured, we often blame the other person. We either give in and improperly interrupt whatever we are doing, or we give a resentful, resounding “no.” Neither is the right way to go.

Kabbalah IV: Some people are very capable of being sovel others, but their patience runs out with their spouse. In truth, we should apply this important middah in our marriages more than anywhere else. Are you patient with your spouse? How would he or she answer that question about you? Be sure to apply all we discussed above to your better half.

Next Stage

Now that we have applied savlanus in our dealings with others, we can try the next stage. The Tomer Devorah sets a very high bar — being sovel even one who brazenly sins against us. We aren’t ready for that yet. Let’s take some baby steps and try to be sovel when others wrong us in minor ways.

Over the next week, someone will likely say something insensitive to you or act with insufficient kavod or appreciation for you. We have to do two things to deal with this:

Kabbalah I: Think about the middos of mi Keil kamocha and Nosei avon for three minutes a day for a week or two. Hashem’s rachmanus is truly extraordinary. Before the Tomer Devorah taught us these ideas, we had no idea how far savlanus extended. It is mind-boggling that we even have a mitzvah to aspire to such levels; it seems far beyond our reach.

If Hashem commanded us to follow His ways, it must be possible to achieve. But before we can apply this middah to ourselves, we need to reflect upon the reality of His ways. It is silly to apply the middah before we appreciate that this is in fact the derech Hashem.

Kabbalah II: We are now ready for when a minor aggression comes. At that moment, as your blood begins to boil, tell yourself, “I can be sovel this! It is a miniscule fraction of what Hashem is sovel from me and the world. By attaching myself to this mitzvah, I’m bringing untold brachah to myself and my family.”

If you’re successful, mazel tov! You’ve fulfilled some level of v’halachta b’drachav. (Some earlier steps may also have achieved this, and others were at least a hechsher mitzvah.)

You have traveled through three stages in middas savlanus: getting in touch with the middah on its own, applying it with others in easier situations, and even applying it with others in trying situations.

Now that we have worked on savlanus, we are ready to tackle another idea the Tomer Devorah mentions in the context of the first middah. Hashem is a melech ne’elav, an “insulted king,” and we must emulate this trait.

Our usual response to an insult is… offense. We become self-focused and retreat from the relationship with the other person. We feel that we are victims and that it is upon the insulter to make us feel better. This is not entirely incorrect; in fact, part of the mitzvah of tochachah is letting the other person know he has insulted us. But in the v’halachta b’drachav system, we are attempting to rise above those feelings.

Kabbalah I: First, reflect that one can rise above insult. It may help to read a story of an individual who did so. Second, find that feeling inside yourself. You don’t have to retreat because you are insulted. It may be appropriate for the insulter to appease you, but that is “on him.” You can go b’derech Hashem and be bigger than you have been in the past.

It is natural to feel a deep resistance to this avodah. It’s a sign you’re being real.

Kabbalah II: Do something nice for the person who insulted you. This shows you are not retreating from the relationship. At the very least, converse with the insulter.

Kabbalah III: Consider the proper course of action: Should you fully forgive him, even if he doesn’t acknowledge his wrongdoing? Or should you tell him that he insulted you and that you would like an apology? We should not excuse others from apologizing if we will resent them for it. There is a famous story about Rav Elya Lopian ztz”l forgiving someone only two weeks after the insulter initially requested forgiveness. He needed that time to cultivate true forgiveness.

The main things we are trying to gain at this point are the self-awareness that we don’t have to retreat from the relationship, and some ability to forgive, even without the insulter begging forgiveness. But we have to be real with ourselves and our relationships.

Rabbi Dovid Schoonmaker is the rosh yeshivah of Shapell's/Darche Noam and the author of Tomer Devorah Applied, Yedias HaTorah: Step by Step, and other works. His vaadim and other shiurim draw viewers from around the world.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1078)