Through these steps, we elevate ourselves toward G-d’s ways, and that is among the greatest possible achievements

IF

f you were to ask what is the source for the requirement to develop middos tovos and fulfill mitzvos bein adam l’chaveiro, most people would cite the pasuk, “v’ahavta lerei’acha kamocha.” This is obviously true, but it is incomplete. The mitzvah of “v’halachta b’drachav” is in some ways more far-reaching. We are commanded to love our friends as ourselves, but we are also commanded to go b’derech Hashem, to follow in Hashem’s ways. These are different mitzvos with different definitions and rationales.

The first perek of Tomer Devorah is a comprehensive explanation of the mitzvah of v’halachta b’drachav. This perek is uniquely important in that it explains the 13 middos of Hashem (by means of the pesukim in Michah) in greater detail and breadth than any other classical sefer, and it also spells out how to apply those middos in our personal lives. The baalei mussar viewed Tomer Devorah as the “Shulchan Aruch of middos,” and in Kelm it was studied every Shabbos (Mesores Eliyahu, pp. 46, 56, 114).

On the one hand, when Rav Moshe Cordevero (the Ramak) spelled out the applications of Hashem’s middos, he made the ideas more accessible than did other seforim kedoshim. But his clarification created its own complexities. The Ramak places heavy demands on his readers; he teaches that when a certain situation occurs, one must remember to apply a specific middah, a requirement made even more difficult given that many of the situations do not happen very often.

Obviously, the Ramak did not mean that his applications of the middos are the only correct ones; rather, they are simply the ideal ways, most true to the middah. (However, one could easily misunderstand him to mean that his specific pathways provide the only way to connect to the middos.)

For these reasons, when I led a vaad based on the Tomer Devorah that included some practical applications (“kabbalos”), I found myself constantly sidestepping the Ramak’s suggestions. I recently wrote a short sefer called Tomer Devorah Applied based on those vaadim. It is an attempt to bring down the Ramak’s principles in a manner that we can apply in our humble but wonderful generation. This series, based on the sefer, tries to convey the Ramak’s ideas to our tzibbur in what I hope is an inspiring and practical way.

I acquired my approach from Rav Reuven Leuchter. To my mind, the Mashgiach’s derech is best summed up as “the constant attempt to find where the Torah’s deep, pristine principles meet us in our non-pristine world.” One can speak about the Torah’s ideas without understanding or even wanting to apply them “down below.” On the other hand, one can study self-help books that speak to man at a mundane level, even if they include some correct ideas. Rav Leuchter is always searching for the objective truth of Torah, but with a keen eye of how to apply that truth to our subjective reality, and he has an uncanny understanding of both.

In Rav Leuchter’s approach, almost every kabbalah must be investigated. He “tries out” the action item to determine if it is in fact a viable way to connect to the idea. For success-oriented people, this is often a challenge, but in Rav Leuchter’s view, growth is about the journey, not the arrival at the destination (see “Outside the Glass,” Issue 1043).

The ideas we will share fall into three categories: 1. full-fledged fulfillments of v’halachta b’drachav; 2. hechsherei mitzvah of v’halachta b’drachav (steps taken toward the mitzvah); 3. eitzos tovos.

Through these steps, we elevate ourselves toward G-d’s ways, and that is among the greatest possible achievements.

The Kabbalos in this Series

Kabbalos are a standard, defining feature of mussar vaadim. The ideas shared in the vaad come alive and are practiced through action items that members accept upon themselves. Rav Shlomo Wolbe’s Alei Shur (vol. 2) is the most famous work that suggests kabbalos. (Another is Hadrachos V’Eitzos B’Avodas Hashem by Rav Naftali Kaplan. Baruch Hashem, increasing numbers of such works are being published.)

The nature of a kabbalah is that one person may find it extremely meaningful while another may not relate to it at all. This is not only not a problem, but it is the very nature of the work and a proof that it is genuine. People are different and live in greatly varied situations. One size never fits all.

(For example, I wrote my kuntres for both men and women, but some examples will resonate more with men and others with women.)

For some of the kabbalos, I attach an estimation of the amount of time I think one needs to get “in touch” with the idea in a practical way. To actually acquire the middah takes much longer and demands repetition; I can’t predict exactly how long it will take. When we work on our middos, the destination should often be improvement, not radical change.

Ultimate tikkun hamiddos is a gargantuan task. As Rav Yisrael Salanter famously said, it is easier to learn Shas than to change a single middah. Our goal is exposure and significant connection to the middos of Hashem. These in and of themselves are tremendous accomplishments. Of course, feel free to adopt the kabbalos as lifelong practices, as they fit you.

An optimal way to engage with this series is with a chavrusa, especially for those newer to kabbalos. A chavrusa can be a helpful sounding board and thought partner who helps you understand the ideas and keeps you on track in terms of doing the kabbalos.

This series attempts to give a vaad feeling, but of course in this context, the kabbalos should be understood as friendly suggestions for anyone who wants to practically work with these ideas. Others will prefer to read this series as a way to expand their horizons, without diving into the practical side of things.

As we embark on the derech Hashem, remember that even the smallest step in any aspect of avodas Hashem is priceless, all the more as it pertains to a central mitzvah like v’halachta b’drachav, and even more so in our trying times, when there are so many forces pushing us away from His path.

I have been learning and teaching Tomer Devorah for many years, yet to a large extent, I feel that I am only at the beginning of the journey. Readers should not be under the misimpression that they are reading the work of a master of these middos, one who has exited the maze and now shares the fruits of his labors with others. This is certainly not the case. I have merited to develop some good ideas that I believe can benefit others, and I have personally tried some of the ideas mentioned here with some success. I now welcome you to continue the journey with me. I hope you will be successful and that together we will further reach the goal of our lives — to be davuk to the only One Who really matters.

Part 1: Building Tolerance

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ow great and compassionate are the ways of Hashem! The following is a translation of selected parts of the first two middos — mi Keil kamocha and Nosei avon, as explained by the Ramak.

“Mi Keil kamocha — Who is a power like You” describes the Holy One, blessed be He, as a King who tolerates an inconceivable insult. Behold, nothing is hidden from His scrutiny, and there is no moment when a person is not nourished and preserved by the Highest force that flows upon him; and yet you find that there was never a person who sinned against G-d, without Him — at that very instant — [willing] his existence and the movement of his limbs.

While this person sins with that life force, He does not withhold it from him at all. Rather, the Holy One, blessed be He, tolerates such an insult — He directs the flow of power into the person for the movement of his limbs, even though the person [uses] that power at that moment for sin and iniquity, angering [Him]; and the Holy One, blessed be He, tolerates [it].

And for this, the ministering angels call the Holy One, blessed be He, the insulted King.

And this is [the meaning of] the statement, “Who is a power like You” — You are a Power that is a Master of Kindness that benefits, a Power that is a Master of strength to take revenge and take back what is Yours; and with all that, You tolerate [it] and bear the insult until [the person] repents.

Behold, this is a trait that a person must practice — I mean tolerance; and so, to be insulted, even to this extent, and nonetheless not to withhold one’s goodness from the recipient.

Savlanus (translated as both patience and tolerance) is an extremely important middah and the one perhaps most lacking to us in modern times. Think about how slowly things moved 150 years ago, or even 25 years ago for that matter.

Remember “snail mail”? It used to take weeks for people to stay in touch — not seconds. Today, our blood boils when the car in front of us drives too slowly. We order products that arrive at our doorsteps in a few hours. We walk into a stuffy room and can hardly bear the few seconds it takes the air conditioner to start working. These are obviously great advancements, but from the perspective of middas hasavlanus, they present a catastrophe.

Our modern outlook is built on the assumption that you can expect whatever you want as soon as you dream about it. But the important things never work that way. Shalom bayis, kinyan Torah, and any real growth cannot be “microwaved.” Inner peace does not come from getting whatever you want immediately. In fact, getting what you want instantly is a guaranteed way to not achieve inner peace. When it doesn’t happen, we are left nervous and agitated.

We cognitively know all this, but our general experience blinds us to this truth. This is one reason we see so many quick divorces, people switching jobs at lightning speed, and fewer gedolim being raised in our midst.

Working on the middah of savlanus involves three stages: 1) getting in touch with the middah on its own (not in relation to other people); 2) applying it in dealing with others in easier situations; 3) applying it in dealing with others in trying situations.

Stage 1

Before applying the middah of savlanus to human relationships, we must get in touch with it on its own. Stage 1 includes four suggested kabbalos:

Kabbalah I:

Try spending three minutes a day thinking about how impatient the world around us has become and how impatient you personally are. (It is crucial that you spend this time in a focused, non-distracted way. Put your phone in flight mode and set an alarm for three minutes so you won’t check the time. Also, find the right time of day to do this — right after davening might be perfect, since you’re already in shul and hopefully in the right mindset.)

You may not express your impatience outwardly; pay attention to your inner feelings. Do you want to scream at the driver in front of you or the baal tefillah who isn’t saying Barchu exactly 15 minutes after davening begins? Do you get frustrated when you don’t understand a Gemara, or, l’havdil, the directions for a machine right away? Are you patient with your spouse and children? Do you live with inner peace?

Don’t just notice your own impatience. Look at the world around you and take note that it is a makkas medinah. No matter how you personally deal with the challenges of technology, take some time to reflect on how the ever-increasing speed and ease of our gadgets train us to adopt the exact opposite of savlanus. We won’t be able to properly work on this middah if we don’t understand the challenge we face, and much of that challenge is based on the fact that the world’s impatience trains us to follow suit.

Kabbalah II:

Try spending some time thinking about how important savlanus is. Realize that not being patient affects you negatively in many ways:

1. You won’t attain some of the significant achievements that are in your grasp, since your impatience will hold you back from staying the course.
2. You experience many negative feelings that are in fact avoidable. Imagine driving and not getting frustrated at other drivers. It would be a far more pleasant experience. The patient person’s life is far more enjoyable than the life of the impatient individual (see Pesachim 113b), and it will also likely be longer, as impatience can have negative health effects.
3. People will avoid your friendship or working with you, as they don’t want to experience your impatience.

Kabbalah III:

Some people need to do something extra in order to calm down. Evaluate yourself. If need be, spend some time every day calming yourself in the way you need, such as through music, meditation, or white noise. It is far easier to be sovel when one is in a generally relaxed state. (Of course, some need more than a daily calming down routine, but that is beyond the scope of this series.)

Kabbalah IV:

To be sovel literally means “to carry.” In Hebrew, a porter is called a “sabal.” Try “conscious carrying” of trying situations. Take two situations a day and “carry” their difficulty with you. You want to end a conversation, eat, or go to sleep. Don’t. Carry the difficulty with you. Continue a conversation until the other party wants to stop. Hold off for a few minutes before eating. Stand up and continue learning, even though you are very tired. Do this consciously, with awareness that you are carrying the situation, as this will have a greater effect. —

Rabbi Dovid Schoonmaker is the rosh yeshivah of Shapell's/Darche Noam and the author of Tomer Devorah Applied, Yedias HaTorah: Step by Step, and other works. His vaadim and other shiurim draw viewers from around the world.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1077)