“Your ratzon is the root and the goal of teshuvah and it’s an important factor, not something to be taken for granted”

Facilitated by Faigy Peritzman

Q:

When Elul comes, I find myself frozen into inaction. Just thinking about teshuvah overwhelms me, let alone actually doing teshuvah. I know I’ve done countless things wrong over this past year, but when I try to focus on a single one, or to make a kabbalah not to do it again, I get stymied. I don’t remember everything I did. And taking on a small kabbalah doesn’t seem significant enough to prove I’m sorry for everything I did.

I know the purpose of teshuvah is to want to change and become better, but that semes like a cop-out: Please, Hashem, believe me when I say I want to be a good person. Obviously, I do. But I still can’t come up with the right first step in that direction.

Stumbling Baby Steps

Shevi Samet

T

hank you for your most relatable question. What you express is a sentiment shared by so many. Is my teshuvah meaningful if it’s imperfect, and from where do I orient myself in this process? I’ll start with something you mention in your question — your desire. That is no small thing. You presume that every person wants to be better, and it’s true that retzoneinu la’asos retzoncha, but not everyone recognizes or expresses this desire. Your ratzon is the root and the goal of teshuvah and it’s an important factor, not something to be taken for granted.

Teshuvah is far more than a one-time event. It’s an ongoing process that we’re encouraged to engage in throughout the entire year. While the month of Elul provides a focused period for reflection and self-improvement, the work of teshuvah doesn’t get packed away like a menorah after Chanukah. It requires a continuous commitment to self-betterment.

One of the key aspects of teshuvah is the understanding that even small progress is meaningful. Sometimes, we might feel that our steps forward are tiny, but every bit of movement counts. It’s not an all-or-nothing endeavor and the key is a consistent desire (there’s that ratzon again) to do and be better. Just as a plant grows gradually, our personal growth through teshuvah is a steady, ongoing journey. We can’t see the plant growing, but we can recognize in retrospect how it has grown.

People will often encourage “baby steps” in this context, and I want to highlight one often overlooked truth. We tend to imagine baby steps as neat and orderly, just closer together and slower. In reality, they’re messy and unstable and nonlinear. Just like a baby learning to walk, we stumble, we fall, and we get back up again. The beauty of teshuvah lies in this imperfect, yet persistent, effort. Every small step forward is a victory, and the journey, with all its messiness, is what leads to true growth.

Shevi Samet is a wife and mother, educator, kallah teacher, and Core MMC.

What Voice Am I?

Ruchi Koval

I

’m moved by your question. Your desire to do better is so palpable, I’m sure Hashem is kvelling from that alone. There does, however, seem to be a great deal of confusion discerning the voices in your head. Which voice is your yetzer hatov? Which voice is your yetzer hara? Believe it or not, it can sometimes be really hard to tell. Both voices seem to be shouting at you to do better. But which voice propels you further along toward your goal? And which voice keeps you frozen in inaction, self-doubt, and self-recrimination?

If, for instance, you hear a voice in your head telling you to slow down and take a break, is it the voice of your yetzer hatov? Or the voice of your yetzer hara? Well, it depends. If you genuinely need a break, and the break will ultimately help you to be a better person, then that’s your yetzer hatov. But if the break is just another way of being lazy, then that’s your yetzer hara. So the way you figure out which voice is which is by figuring out its endgame: What will ultimately happen if you listen to that voice?

It sounds to me like this voice in your head is masquerading as the yetzer hatov, but it’s actually your yetzer hara. It’s telling you, “Do better! Do better! Do better!” But the endgame is to keep you frozen in indecision and self-deprecation.

Because you know what the voice of your yetzer hatov would tell you? “It’s about progress, not perfection. It’s about just taking one small step and allowing yourself to savor the pleasure of your growth. It’s never about the destination. It’s all about the journey. It’s about simchah and feeling proud of yourself and celebrating your small successes.” That’s what the voice of your yetzer hatov actually sounds like, because the endgame isn’t just growth, but joy in your growth. And if the voice in your head is robbing you of that, it’s definitely your yetzer hara.

Ruchi Koval is a parent coach, author, kiruv rebbetzin, and public speaker who helps parents struggling with their teens and adult children.

The Root of the Matter

Elisheva Kaminetsky

Y

ou mentioned that the purpose of teshuvah is to change and be better. What’s the first step in productively becoming the best version of yourself? The process is definitely built of small steps. But the process shouldn’t only be focused on our actions — the outward “symptoms” — but rather on the roots of our behaviors.

Teshuvah can sometimes feel like we’re playing Whac-A-Mole. Say we pick lashon hora as the object of our focus to change. We make that small actionable step of reminding ourselves to not speak lashon hora for an hour a day. But then we find the urge to speak lashon hora “popping up” at other points in the day. The roots are still there. We need to address those roots of why we speak lashon hora. Is it jealousy? Low self-esteem? Competitiveness? Once we recognize the root issue, the value, or the middah that’s driving our behaviors in a negative direction, then we can focus our efforts on working on that foundational concept, as opposed to the myriad of symptoms it causes.

Suppose you have a sore throat and you’re coughing. So you take a drink of water or a cough suppressant. But that alone won’t get rid of the cough; it simply suppresses it. You haven’t taken care of the root problem that’s causing the cough, such as a virus or bacteria needing antibiotics. So long as you haven’t addressed the root, the symptoms will still persist.

In addressing the roots, we’re not forced to remember every small action and fix it. Instead, we’re focusing on the roots that will transform ourselves into people who no longer perform that sin and all of the “symptoms” it presents.

Nothing’s a magic wand that instantly transforms us. Teshuvah’s the work of a lifetime, and we’re blessed that Hashem has infinite patience, waiting for our complete return. Reflect on the roots of your behaviors as the first step in the right direction, and over time you’ll see yourself slowly getting stronger in so many areas you might not have prioritized in the past.

Elisheva Kaminetsky is a wife, parent, grandparent, principal, adult educator, consultant, and kallah teacher.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 959)