Just because a rebbi didn’t work for one child doesn’t mean it won’t work for another

The Question

My kids are in a small school where most teachers have a reputation — for good or for bad. Most teachers are known to be excellent, but some are known to be very strict or very old-school, or to give a lot of homework. When my children come home upset that they have one of those teachers, how should I react — especially if I share the concern?

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld

Just because a rebbi didn’t work for one child doesn’t mean it won’t work for another. Every year is different, and you might be surprised.

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our small (but baruch Hashem growing and thriving) yeshivah, I will sometimes get these kinds of phone calls from a parent. It’s especially common if they’ve already had this rebbi or teacher for one of their own children before. As incredible as our rebbeim and teachers are, there will invariably be situations in which, for whatever reason, it wasn’t a “k’nock” year. And now that boy’s brother is about to enter the same grade, the parents are concerned with history repeating itself.

Here is my advice to the parents.

Every single year is different, and so is every child. With my own children, there was a year that my wife and I were so convinced that the rebbi was a “bad shidduch” for our son that we begged the school to switch classes. My son’s principal, who is a wise and caring mechanech, told us to trust him, and that he thought things would work out great between the two of them.

It was our son’s best year in school. Don’t assume anything, and definitely don’t feed into your child’s impression. Don’t accept the narrative of, “But everyone knows he’s a mean rebbi — he doesn’t even have a prize store!”

Foster a new, positive impression in your son’s mind. “He doesn’t have a prize store because he doesn’t treat you like little kids anymore, but the trip at the end of the year is incredible.”

Your child will follow your lead. So lead, and don’t follow.

In addition, don’t forget that rebbeim are people, too. They aren’t robots. Yes, they may have a style or a way in which they run their classroom. But those of us that are fortunate enough to work in chinuch have chosen to do so because of our ability to impact the next generation of Klal Yisrael.

Call the rebbi. Introduce yourself. Tell him how excited you are to have him. And then tell him about your child. Invest in your relationship with that rebbi or teacher... and I don’t just mean with money, but that helps, too. When you partner with the school and your son’s teachers, they will respond in kind.

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld is the menahel of Yeshiva Ketana of Manhattan and Bais Tzipra of Manhattan, and director of Camp Aish.

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield

This is an opportunity to prepare children for relationship challenges they will inevitably face as adults. Reach out to the teacher ahead of time to show that you are a supportive partner.

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ne of my early mentors was Rabbi Kalman Rosenbaum, currently of Yerushalayim, who previously spent many years leading the Torah Day School of Atlanta, where I also worked. He would often say that school is the laboratory of life and the best place to learn from the challenges and mistakes of childhood.

Our lives are full of difficult people. Although we all hope and pray that our spouses and children, the people in our nuclear family, will not be sources of that challenge, as adults, we know all too well that we must contend with personalities and situations we find very difficult. Very often, we cannot run from these hard relationships, whether they be in families or our workplace.

With this in mind, I would encourage this parent to see such a situation as a growth opportunity for their children, preparing them for the kinds of relationship challenges they will inevitably face as adults.

This doesn’t mean your concerns are invalid or that no action should be taken. Instead, react as you would in an adult situation: Try to influence where you can and learn to come to terms with what you cannot change. Specifically, regarding a teacher whose style may be challenging, I would suggest that a parent reach out to the teacher in advance. Set up a meeting, share the specific strengths and weaknesses of your child, and make sure the teacher knows you are supportive and want to partner with him or her in any way that could help.

At the same time, begin speaking with your children about how to respond when a teacher does something upsetting. Reassure them that you are always there for them and willing to step in when necessary. It may also be wise to inform the school administrator, not in an aggressive or alarmist way, but simply to share your concern and hear their perspective. They may already be aware and have interventions in place, or your call may help prompt one.

In the end, if you can navigate this challenge well, you will be modeling for your child one of life’s most important skills: not running from difficult relationships, but leaning into them and growing as a result.

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield is the Head of School of Yeshiva Toras Emes in Houston and author of bestselling book When They Were Young published by ArtScroll.

The Question

We thrived on the relaxed summer bungalow colony schedule. My kids have been sleeping late all summer, and spent long days outside. They fight less, they complain less, they’re just happy. How do I keep the happiness going through the beginning of the school year, when the schedule and rigidity are so hard for them?

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld

Transition from the summer freedom back to routine is challenging for everyone. Be patient and understanding. And while kids will never admit it, they may even be excited to be back with friends and on a routine.

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most camps, the last night of color war ends with a grand sing and an alma mater about camp. In our camp, like many others, there are real tears flowing throughout the night. I think a part of the reason is the realization that the summer is coming to an end, and they just wish they could bottle up exactly this feeling of happiness for ten more months. (Perhaps the other reason is that they haven’t slept in about two weeks, it’s 1 a.m., and they were forced to wear white shirts that were probably pulled out of the laundry.)

In any scenario, the transition back to yeshivah is challenging for everyone. Parents, children, teachers, and administrators alike. The rigidity and “boring” school day is a shock to the system. Be patient. Be understanding. Maybe even institute small incentives. But don’t worry. Kids are more resilient than you think. Although they will never admit it, they may even be excited to be back with their friends and in yeshivah. Routine is something we all need, even if we sometimes crave the opposite.

Are there kids who thrive much more in camp and the bungalow colony than in yeshivah? Of course. (Breaking news: there are adults who thrive more in camp, too.) There are definitely elements of the country lifestyle that could be a welcome addition to our chinuch system. Maybe we should look for more ways to tap into the talents and kochos hanefesh of our students, especially the ones who struggle academically.

I do think that sometimes in yeshivos we focus too much on the lesson plan and not enough on the child. We care, perhaps, too much about the “cheftza” and not enough about the “gavra.” We strive, in our yeshivah in Manhattan, to balance the academic demand and rigor with creating an atmosphere of simchas hachayim. I hope that is the case in other institutions as well.

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield

We all enjoy breaks, but breaks surrounded by emptiness, without any substance in between, are deeply disappointing. Transitioning back is part of what life is about, and worth the effort.

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ho can’t relate to this question?

I’m writing these words the week before school begins, and I, too, have been enjoying the “no-tie workplace” after 8 a.m. Shacharis as much as anyone.

It reminds me of the well-known joke about the woman who comes to wake someone for school. She has to return a few times, until she finally pleads, “Can you get up already? You don’t want to be late for the first day of school!”

To which the groggy sleeper replies, “But I’m so tired, I don’t want to go.”

The exasperated woman then responds, “But you’re the principal!”

Before we get to the chinuch approach, let’s first clarify this point for ourselves. We all enjoy breaks, but breaks surrounded by emptiness, without any substance in between, are deeply disappointing. One of the greatest sources of true happiness comes from accomplishment.

Chazal describe this in Pirkei Avos: “L’fum tzaara agra — according to the effort is the reward.” This is the way HaKadosh Baruch Hu set up the world. We are literally “l’amal yulad,” created to produce and to achieve.

Now, to chinuch….

Assuming your children are not facing any special circumstances that make returning to regular life unusually difficult, our job is to encourage them and simply help them jump back in. We can explain that this transition is hard for everyone, but that is what life is about, and it is very much worth the effort.

Their change in behavior is not a dysfunction of life; it is the very work of parenting. There are no simple soundbites that can solve this reality of parenting, but it must be seen exactly for what it is.

It would be misleading to think that transitioning back to real life is anything less than one of the core responsibilities of every parent: preparing children for a lifetime of transitions and adaptation.

The Question

My oldest son is about to start mesivta. As a mother, how can I best prepare him and support him through a completely new environment, pace, and level of learning, in a system I’m not familiar with and don’t really have access to?

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield

While you, the mother, may not be able to relate to the specific challenges your son faces, your role is critical in determining his success — to express pride and love, and to give him space to relax and recharge.

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oving from elementary school to yeshivah is one of the hardest transitions a frum boy will ever face. As you accurately described, he will be entering an environment that is very different from what he is used to. In elementary school, he knew the system well and had risen to the top of the food chain as a respected eighth-grade graduate. Now, he suddenly finds himself a small ninth-grader in a yeshivah filled with bochurim who have been learning longer and at a more serious level than he has ever experienced.

The role of the mother can be critical in determining his success. While you may not be able to fully relate to the specific challenges he faces, you can certainly understand the enormous emotional toll this transition places on him. If you are fortunate enough to have him living at home, you can provide him with regular encouragement and support. When he comes home, do not push or pressure him to share every detail of his day. Instead, simply express your pride and love, then step back and give him the space to relax and recharge.

It may also be wise to discuss with him in advance what outlets help him unwind and cope best. Would he appreciate an outdoor basketball hoop? Guitar lessons? Encouraging him to find healthy outlets and supporting those choices can go a long way in reducing his daily stress and helping him successfully navigate this major adjustment.

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld

The most important thing to do is to prepare yourself. Your son has dealt with challenges before — new camp, leining for his bar mitzvah. As long as his mother is in his corner, he’ll be all right.

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he first and most important thing to do is to prepare yourself. I can sense your uneasiness and nervousness over sending your first son off to high school.

It’s hard. In elementary school, parents tend to feel in charge of the decisions their sons make. Mesivta is a new ballgame. His rebbi should and will become a more prominent figure in his life. Your precious little jewel who used to ask you to tie his shoes and pack his knapsack is now a full-fledged teenager. His requests moving forward will focus mainly on money for supper because “ the supper here is inedible” and permission to go skiing with his friends. Take a deep breath. He’s going to be okay.

Sometimes I think that there should be a separate orientation for parents who are sending their sons off to mesivta. Your child will be fine. He has had to adjust the first day of a new camp. It wasn’t easy when a new rebbi came in for seventh grade. Practicing his leining for his bar mitzvah was stressful. He has dealt with challenges before.

I don’t mean to belittle the transition. It is a huge and momentous shift in his life. And he will need his mother in his corner. Not necessarily to figure out the Rashba, but to hold his hand through his first meltdown over a bechinah on “all the mefarshim ever.”

And don’t forget that even though he may demand Charles Tyrwhitt shirts and a new davening jacket because his old one is sooo nerdy, deep inside, all he really wants is still for you to tie his shoes and pack his snacks.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1076)