Even though she’s married, my daughter still expects me to provide so much for her

Q:

My married daughter has always been very demanding. Even though she has a great husband who gives her everything she needs, she still wants plenty from me and my husband. For example, her husband can afford to buy her a very decent house. But of course, if we chip in, she can get an even more deluxe property. Similarly, her husband takes her on really nice trips. But she’s always pushing me to take her somewhere too — a mother-daughter trip to Europe for example. Basically, she just wants and wants and wants. Believe me, I’ve spent plenty on her and did everything for her when she was growing up — we gave, and continue to give, all our kids fantastic trips, summer camps, good schools, gorgeous clothes — everything a child could want. But I feel that when they grow up, it’s enough.

Recently she complained to her aunt (my sister) that I’m selfish and never make time to babysit her three kids. Selfish! This was too much for me! I work full time and have four kids still at home. Of course, my sister told me right away because she thought I could address the problem. And I want to! But first, I need to know — is she the one with the problem or is it me? As her mother, am I supposed to continue giving her everything she wants even though she’s married?

A:

IT must have cut you to the core to hear that your daughter thinks you’re selfish! After all you’ve done for her, both her sentiment and her lashon hara reveal a tremendous lack of understanding and appreciation. The cause for her behavior may be both genetic and environmental. People do inherit personality temperaments and traits such as “neediness.”

The way a child is raised also impacts her personality. Kids who are given a lot but aren’t trained to give back, usually see their role as being “receivers.” It’s also possible that your daughter looks around at her friends and sees that they have parents who babysit, buy them houses, sponsor trips for them, and so on. She might feel “deprived” because, in her small world, she’s an exception.

Of course, you’re not the only parents who choose not to, or simply can’t, give tons of money or services to married children. There are people who feel that excessive generosity spoils adult children just as it can spoil younger children. A parent might believe, for example, that if he gives his son a lavish apartment, a fancy car, and every other possible luxury, the boy will never be motivated to work hard to build up his own business. Although able to afford everything, the parent nonetheless withholds these gifts so as to help keep his son “hungry” for more, and motivated to make something of himself.

There are also plenty of parents who can’t afford to do everything for each of their ten kids — they just aren’t wealthy enough to manage this. Their kids may feel suddenly poor upon marriage as they leave a comfortable upper middle class existence for a more modest lifestyle. This is just a practical matter that young adults need to learn to adjust to. Perhaps they “expect” the parents to take extra jobs or something to make sure there’s enough money to keep on giving — but it’s quite normal for parents not to be able to physically or mentally push themselves further.

As for babysitting grandchildren, some older adults don’t have the stamina or headspace for entertaining small children. They may have burnout from decades of childrearing, or health issues or fatigue from their own still-busy schedules (that might include a job, studies or community activities). Or — hold on to your seat — they just don’t want to babysit. Similarly, while some parents can’t get enough of their adult children and their families, not all people want to continue “parenting” their grown kids by hosting them, taking them on vacations, shopping for them or otherwise continuing to take intense care of them.

Everyone is different. Some show their love through generous material giving while others show it through providing cooked meals or emotional support or a warm, friendly relationship. Ideally what the child craves most is what the parent can provide, but of course, it doesn’t always work out that way! And while every child might want ALL of the love languages heaped upon her, it often doesn’t work out that way either!

You don’t have to become someone you aren’t in order to meet your child’s endless “wants.” You aren’t withholding love — you’re only withholding financial perks. Acknowledge her disappointment, give her what you want to, when you want to, and live your life.  She’ll eventually adjust to her new reality and turn to herself and to her new family to meet her adult needs. She’ll eventually grow up.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 956)