“To some, anesthesiologists are heroes; to others, we are viewed as money-driven villains interfering with natural birth”

A Different Category of Pain [To Feel or Not to Feel / Issue 953]

I’d like to commend Yonah Chatzinoff and Bashie Lisker on presenting the issue of epidurals, and I also appreciate the peek behind the curtains revealing the background of Bashie Lisker’s first feature article.

Any conversation on the topic of pain during childbirth is incomplete without referencing Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski ztz”l’s foundational points elucidated in the foreword to Rochel Broncher’s must-read book, A Labor of Love. To paraphrase, he explains that Hashem created physical pain to alert us that something is amiss, and the accompanying emotion is fear, which motivates us to try to solve the problem and alleviate the pain. However, the sensations that occur during natural childbirth are unlike other types of pain, as nothing is wrong at all — it is just a result of a normal bodily process. With this knowledge, a laboring woman can eschew the fear normally associated with pain.

I’d therefore push back on the article’s emphasis on pain in childbirth, and suggest switching the language to pressure or sensations because the pangs of childbirth are in a completely different category from problematic pain. Comparing pain management in a root canal to that of labor is apples and oranges.

That being said, I totally echo the nonjudgmental takeaway from the article that each woman should be given autonomy to choose a birth plan without shame. We say mazel tov for a healthy mommy and baby, regardless of how the birth unfolded.

Chaya Steinman

Missing Medical Perspective [To Feel or Not to Feel / Issue 953]

I read the article about epidurals with great interest, especially after reading the editorial describing how much effort went into its creation.

I commend the authors for interviewing a wide range of women and highlighting the diversity of perspectives and experiences surrounding childbirth.

What surprised me was the absence of an anesthesiologist’s voice specifically. Including a medical perspective would have added important depth to the discussion.

I’m a frum female anesthesiologist, and nearly every time I meet a mother or female acquaintance, I hear her birth story. To some, anesthesiologists are heroes; to others, we are viewed as money-driven villains interfering with natural birth.

I’m genuinely thrilled when women achieve the birth experience they hoped for. That said, many women approach labor with rigid “birth plans” that don’t always allow for flexibility. I believe that part of having emunah is recognizing that we’re not in control and surrendering to Hashem’s Will, which often doesn’t look like our carefully crafted plans.

I’ve been called many times in the middle of the night to help a woman who is exhausted, overwhelmed by pain, and feeling like a failure. At that stage, placing an epidural becomes more challenging, and even risky, because she’s too fatigued to sit still. People don’t realize that inserting an epidural is a delicate and technical procedure. It must be placed at the right level in the spine, not too far left or right, not too shallow or deep, all while the woman is contracting and often unable to stay still. In patients with scoliosis or swelling from pregnancy, it’s even more complex.

I often reflect that even in 2025, the best method we have for pain relief still involves a needle, the spinal cord, and a nonnegligible degree of risk. About one in ten epidurals require intervention. Even when epidurals work well, they don’t remove all pain. To me, this is a reminder that Chava’s curse has not yet been “cured,” and perhaps Hashem doesn’t want to offer us an easy fix just yet.

Unfortunately, it often feels like patients, doctors, doulas, and midwives are on opposing sides. This fosters defensiveness and mistrust. But I truly believe that most providers share a common goal: the safety and well-being of both mother and baby.

Dr. Leora Bernstein MD FRCPSC

Ontario, Canada

A Thank-You Is Even Better [To Be Honest / Issue 953]

Reading the piece about how it’s very expensive to tip so many of the camp staff brought back a moment from my time as a camp counselor that’s stuck with me.

It was the last day of camp. After the hugs, tears, and goodbyes, I went back to the bunkhouse to gather my things. As I rushed to leave, I noticed a little crumpled piece of paper on top of my bag. I opened it: “Thank you so much for caring for me this summer. I’m going to miss you!” There were hearts around it.

That was it — but it was everything.

I couldn’t tell you how much tip money I made or what I did with it. But that note? That note was the real prize. Tips are nice — but a heartfelt thank-you is unforgettable.

Ahuva Z. 

Denver

The Girls Have It Easier [Musings / Issue 952]

As I was reading your article, “Litvish, Heimish, All-the-Same-ish,” a take on the older single situation, I had a good laugh. But then, toward the end, the article took a turn into a narrative I don’t agree with. As a mother of two boys currently in shidduchim, I see this being repeated over and over again. It’s wrong. From my experience, the girls feel they deserve the best — even if they’re just an average girl. This comes from a much bigger problem: It’s much easier to be a good girl than to be a good boy. What does a girl have to do to be a top girl? All she has to do is want a learning boy. It’s a lot easier to make a girl want a learning boy than it is to actually get a boy to become one. The result is tons of entitled girls who reject all the “just average” boys.

Name Withheld

It Is a Reality [Inbox / Issue 953]

I want to thank Shira Greenfield, R.D., for her brave and honest letter — in which she said the story should have continued with stronger self-affirmations that even though she isn’t skinny, she’s still a worthy person — in response to the true story of the overweight woman who couldn’t get dates. Shira is absolutely right: A person’s size should never determine their worth. Everyone deserves respect, always.

At the same time, I think it’s important to acknowledge a painful reality. In the frum dating world — and honestly, in the world at large — someone who’s considered overweight by society often does get fewer dates. They may not always be treated fairly. Pretending that size plays no role in dating just adds more confusion and shame. We can hold two truths at once: that people of all sizes are deeply worthy — and that weight can affect how the world responds.

Ilana B.

Survivors Need Our Support [Conversation Continues / Issue 951]

In response to the woman who described her abusive marriage and her fear of the community’s judgment that she got divorced for no good reason, I wanted to point out that domestic abuse isn’t caused by a bad dynamic between spouses. It’s caused by the entitlement of the coercive controller who fully believes they are entitled to treat their family as they see fit because they view them as their possession. If the survivors attempt to break free, the controller may in all likelihood continue in their attempt to control them and embark on an incessant mission of revenge.

Post-separation abuse can be at least as severe, and sometimes even more severe, than pre-separation abuse. Make no mistake, the controller is still terrorizing the survivor, even if they live under a different roof.

It’s equally a myth that children aren’t seriously harmed when they have one parent who attacks and abuses the other parent. Additionally, the same tactics used to harm the mother will frequently be used against the children, too.

Survivors are ordinary people. An abuser chose to harm them. They need support that works for them, not judgment and blame.

Rosie Steiner

Specialist Counselor

B. Couns, GCBCI

We Need to Talk More About Abuse [Can This Marriage Be Fixed? / Issue 950]

I read the article about the rising divorce rate with trepidation and wonder. Will this issue be addressed from all sides, or the one side I’ve heard too much of? I was extremely disappointed.

I was in a terrifying marriage. However, no one in the community gave a single thought as to what I was going through and what could be the cause of the distress I was experiencing. Instead, the mantra was: She must stay married, no doubt about it. She’s suffering? Probably her own issues. As long as it’s not a clearly obvious extreme mental health issue, they’ve got to stay married.

There was no mindset of, What’s going on, can she really stay in this marriage, is it a healthy marriage? Rather it was all about, Let’s keep them married.

And now you’re harping on the young-people-nowadays-get-divorced-for-no-reason? That’s what my community needs to hear?

Of course, there are cases where what’s needed is for the couple to work on their marriage, and for those people, working on their marriage and staying in it is the right option. But we need articles that talk about the terror, the fear, the unclearness, which will encourage a person to make the brave decision not to continue being abused, even if the world can’t see it.

It’s important to know that there are cases where the abuse is so unclear and confusing, where there’s no alcohol and loud screams involved. Abuse can happen so quietly that you begin to doubt your own sanity. Am I the crazy one for thinking what is happening is wrong?

I’m not proposing that anyone with any uncertainty should be leaving their marriage, rather I urge the people dealing with these things to be open to hearing what’s really going on, without the mindset of, They should just work harder on their marriage.

Name Withheld

A Success Story [Can This Marriage Be Fixed? / Issue 950]

When I was newly married, I was sure, down to my bones, that my new husband was a great guy, but I was even more sure that he was the wrong guy for me. There was a lot of friction; we had really different personalities. I found him so needy and intense and sensitive. I’m quick-witted and on the ball, and he’s more thought-out. I wished he was more like me, cute, fun, talented, quick. I spoke to my kallah teacher and a mentor and a rav. They all commiserated with me. My mentor said, “It’s one thing if you don’t love him. You don’t even like him.”

At one point, almost four months in, things came to a head when something happened, and my husband realized he wasn’t important to me. I didn’t deny it, and that’s when I knew for sure it was over.

(Right now, I’m crying thinking about how close it came to that).

Hashem in His infinite kindness gave me the most incredible rav, who figured me out more than I even understood myself. He said, “I’m going to say something you’re not going to like. Your husband isn’t a bad person. Yes, he has flaws, he has what to work on. So do you. You spun a narrative in your mind that convinced your mentor and kallah teacher and even yourself. In your mind, everything that he does, you see through a dark lens, and therefore he can’t do anything right. Give him another chance, be vulnerable.”

I said, “But it’s so hard, I don’t know if I can.”

He responded, “Yes. But you know hard. That has never stopped you before.”

That was so empowering. That did it. The rav saved our marriage.

I davened for patience and the ability to see the good and not the bad. I put in a lot of inner work, becoming more patient. I learned to appreciate him for who he is instead of mourning him for who he isn’t. I made sure to verbalize one compliment to him a day. I’d write down his maalos. It took time to learn to be vulnerable and share my feelings and hope he understood. The most important thing is communication. We really took the time to understand each other and work things out after every disagreement.

Now, a few years later, I’m at a loss for words at how blessed I am. I’m sure there is no one like my husband. He’s sensitive and kind, understanding and caring, he knows me better than I know myself. He’s everything a husband should be. The depth of our love is so strong because of what we went through. We know how important it is to communicate and put each other first.

Name Withheld

The Situation for Singles [Can This Marriage Be Fixed? / Issue 950]

I’m writing a response to Elisheva Liss’s article in the collection on rising divorce rates from the perspective of a girl in the shidduch system.

Let’s acknowledge, honestly and compassionately, the difficulty that so many girls experience as they wait months, sometimes even years — for a date. Personally, I’ve only gone out once, and most of my friends have gone out only once or twice as well. Behind closed doors, we’ve all admitted our greatest fear: That we’ll end up marrying the first half-decent guy we meet, not out of genuine connection, but simply to escape the unbearable uncertainty and isolation that comes from not knowing when, or if, another chance will come.

This pressure isn’t just theoretical. One friend of mine actually became physically ill when she realized she couldn’t continue seeing a boy she was dating — not because she wanted to see him again, but because she was terrified of returning to that long, silent stretch with no prospects.

We don’t need to be preached to about the value of marriage, or receive unsolicited advice or criticism (and no, it’s not usually constructive). While these gestures are usually rooted in kindness, they can inadvertently make singles feel as if their pain is imaginary or unwarranted.

Gedolim have spoken time and again about the very real suffering of singles — and have reminded us that this pain is to be taken seriously and treated with respect.

This letter isn’t meant to accuse or blame, nor is it written in bitterness. Rather, it’s a heartfelt invitation for us all to become more aware, more compassionate, and more honest about the realities faced by those in the shidduch process.

A Girl on the Other Side of the Equation

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 955)