When we favor our phone over friends and family, it sends a message of rejection

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veryone feels it. If I’m with you and you’re with your phone, then clearly you don’t want to be with me. Ask any child tugging at his mother’s sweater as she tries to purchase sheets for his bed on Amazon. She’s obviously busy. “Look, Mommy! Look at my fish!” He’s holding up his picture — desperately — hoping to earn a smile of acknowledgment. “Just a minute, honey — I’m just doing this,” Mom says as she maintains a steady focus on her screen. He feels the rejection even though she wasn’t intending to send any. She was just busy — taking care of his needs, for goodness’ sake! She barely has any time as it is and anyway, he just needs to learn to wait a minute. It’s good for him.

But Mom feels it, too. At the end of the day when she finally has a few minutes to chat with her husband — a precious few minutes that she’s been waiting for all day — she, too, gets rejected in favor of the phone. He just has to check this and that — he’ll be with her soon. He’s “working” — but is he? He seems to be chuckling. He looks fascinated, interested, enthralled — not with her, mind you.

Everyone feels it. The person sitting next to you at the simchah is bored. The evening moves ever so slowly. It’s a great time for her to get caught up with the day’s messages and emails. Scroll, scroll, scroll. Now time is flying; she’s smiling, looking relaxed and like she’s enjoying herself. Not with you, of course. With her phone. You weren’t nearly as interesting. She’s making that very clear as she acts like you don’t even exist, holding her device with one hand, flicking the screen with the other.

You also use that phone. It’s annoying the way your husband is always asking you to put that thing away when the two of you are together. What does he expect? He’s driving, not saying much. You need to respond to that message and you’ve been busy all day — why can’t you just type while he’s getting the two of you to your destination? It’s a long drive. Does he feel rejected? That’s so immature. You’ve already discussed the day’s events. Married people don’t have endless things to say. The phone does, though! You don’t want to sit in silence just so he doesn’t feel rejected. And anyway, you’re not rejecting him. He’s so paranoid.

Is It Really Rejection?

Yes! Here is why:

When a person is with you physically, but is on their phone, they’re engaging in a range of nonverbal and behavioral signals that the human brain interprets as social exclusion. For example, there is:

A Loss of Eye Contact — being with a person but not looking at them signals a lack of connection and engagement.

When shifting attention to a phone, a person actively disengages from connection, signaling withdrawal from the current interaction and possibly disinterest.

Turning one’s body away from the other person in order to attend to the phone creates a physical barrier — a physical distance or wall between the two people. It signals rejection cues (I’m not interested in you) and emotional unavailability.

Being on the phone interrupts responsiveness in a conversation where signals like mirroring, nodding, smiling, reacting verbally, and leaning closer (all of which indicate connection and closeness) don’t occur as they should, creating a feeling of disconnection and distance. There’s a feeling of being ignored or dismissed.

The interruptions involved in phone checking signal that the live person is of low priority compared to the phone and that their conversation is unwanted or uninteresting.

The phone itself is another physical barrier emphasizing separation and exclusion by being held in the hand.

All of these cues are important signs of social exclusion that humans are adept at processing. Phone use during face-to-face interactions mimics the nonverbal language of rejection, triggering feelings of being unwanted, unattractive, or unimportant. Occurring frequently over time, these signals have the power to erode relationship satisfaction and trust.

When you feel rejected by someone’s phone use, it is because your brain says you are being rejected. When someone feels rejected by your phone use, it’s because everything you’re doing is conveying social rejection. Most of us would not want to snub someone to their face. But many of us will “phub” (phone snub) acquaintances, friends, and family without a thought, blaming them for reading too much into our behavior. Here’s the thing: Rejection really hurts people — both physically and emotionally. Phubbing causes rejection. We’re really hurting people when we phub them.

Boredom, phone-induced brain changes, anxiety, and stress lead to compulsive phone use. We turn to our phones because we need to (for business, shopping, and so on) or for mood management. Whatever the reason, maybe we could make it a private-time endeavor because when we do it around people, we’re actually rejecting them!

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 954)