When your child faces challenges, does he bend or break?

Bend Over Break

Resilience is the ability to cope with change, worry, pressure, and unexpected events. The word comes from the Latin resilio, meaning to “jump back.” Picture resilience as a tree in a storm, whose branches bend rather than break.

We all experience tough times. We make mistakes or have to deal with sadness and stress.  Resilience helps people to cope, and bounce back faster. Using self-talk helps resilience, e.g., if you find something hard or you’ve made a mistake, instead of reflecting I can’t do this, tell yourself, I can’t do this yet.

Rabbi Paysach Krohn — who later became a world-famous mohel — first started practicing as a young unmarried man.  Not surprisingly, there was little call for the services of this newbie 21-year-old mohel.  He is forever grateful to his mother who, when he would arrive home from work every day and ask hopefully, “Did anyone call for me?” would reply, “Not yet.”

Developing Resilience

Everybody has different levels of resilience that can change in different situations. But it’s important to remember that resilience is a skill that can be learned, practiced, and improved.

One way to build resilience in children is by looking after their physical well-being. Then comes emotional well-being — helping them develop a positive attitude. Research from UPenn has found that optimistic thoughts actually affect our hormones, triggering the brain to produce serotonin and creating a feeling of calm, focus, and well-being.

Three tips for promoting a positive attitude:

What Went Well — at the end of every day, encourage your children to reflect on any positive things that have happened; ask them to write down or draw three good things.

Saying Thanks — Ask your children to think of somebody who has made their life happier.  They could write them a thank-you letter.

Meditation — Ask children to sit upright, shoulders relaxed, eyes closed, and to think of a happy memory from the past. Who’s with them? Are there any smells or sounds in the memory? Have them write down or draw their happy memory.

Remember to share and model resilience yourself. As UK child therapist Riky Rumpler emphasizes, “The biggest influence on kids is their parents.”

No Quick Fix

If a child is feeling worried or sad, it helps to focus on what they can do about things, and not on things they can’t control. We may not be able to make Zeidy’s serious illness go away, for example, but we can daven for him to have a refuah sheleimah and send him a nice card to help him feel better.

There’s no quick way to become resilient. Like most worthwhile things, it takes time and effort.  But staying in the present moment rather than stressing about the past or future will help. So will knowing that it’s normal to feel sad or worried at times. It’s important to give kids the message that they shouldn’t feel bad about feeling bad.

Parents talking openly about making mistakes can help kids deal with their own mistakes or setbacks in a resilient way. It’s helpful to teach children some mantras they can use in cases where they’ve goofed. Here are a few of my students’ favorites:

We all make mistakes.

Mistakes are proof you are trying.

A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.

There is no failure — you either win or you learn.

Family Scripts

Family scripts are routines, beliefs, and values that are passed down through generations, and that most of us repeat automatically. Family scripts can get in the way of resilience if they are unhealthy in their response to adversity, challenge, and tragedy. We can try to correct the script by strengthening sources of faith, hope, and connection to the kehillah.

Some relevant Jewish concepts:

A tzaddik can fall seven times and rise. — Mishlei

Everything Hashem does is for the best. — Rabi Akiva

Gam zeh yaavor: This, too, shall pass.

Your Words, Their Future

Every child has strengths and weaknesses. Help them frame these as “things I am good at” and “things I am not yet very good at.” Look out for, acknowledge, and praise their strengths.  Celebrate their individuality and unique skills.

Ben*, a successful health care professional, related that when he was a little boy, his grandma always used to tell him he had wonderful hands. Whenever he would thread a needle for her or untie the knots in her wool, she’d say he had “goldeneh hendt.” In adulthood, it was one of the reasons why he decided to become a dentist.

Never underestimate the power of your words on a child’s life.

*Names and details changed

Rachel Atkins QTS NPSLBA is a UK government-accredited educator and behavior specialist, a Triple-P Parenting Practitioner, the director of Brilliant Behaviour Ltd, and cofounder of the Bye Bye Bullying Program.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 954)