The Age Advantage

The most common reason to redshirt is when a child will be the youngest in the class. Where a child falls in the class lineup depends a lot on where he lives. For instance, in the US, most states have a cut-off date (when the child must be five years old by) that ranges from July 31 to September 30; New York is a rare exception with a December 31 cut-off date.

Not surprisingly, in states where summer is the cut-off, there’s a higher chance you’ll find summer-born babies being held back so that they’ll be the oldest in the following year’s class. Interestingly, boys are more likely to be redshirted than girls, according to The National Center for Education Statistics.

There’s an undeniable advantage to being the oldest. Malcolm Gladwell, in his book Outliers, points to a revealing study that showed that the best hockey players in Canada were also the oldest in their respective classes. They start training from age nine or ten, and since at that stage a 12-month gap can mean a huge difference in physical maturity, from the start, the older boys are singled out as the bigger, better players.

The young hockey players chosen for the elite traveling “rep” squad also have the advantage of age: “In the beginning, [the boy’s] advantage isn’t so much that he is inherently better but only that he is a little older. By the age of 13 or 14, with the benefit of better coaching and all that practice under his belt, he really is better, so he’s the one more likely to make it […] into the big leagues.”

This phenomenon plays out in the classroom, too. When a child is held back, it means that instead of the normal 12-month gap between the oldest and youngest classmate, there can sometimes be a 15-month gap. That’s a 12- to 15-month advantage in maturity — mentally, emotionally, and physically.

With kindergarten slowly becoming the “new first grade,” with so much academic focus, some mothers have found a way to give their children an easy advantage by starting school later. This is especially the case when parents are concerned that their child isn’t academically prepared. Educators all agree that it’s far better for a child to start late than to repeat a grade down the line, as the social stigma can cause self-esteem to plummet.

“My daughter has a classmate who originally started on schedule,” relates Rivky, a mother of a second grader. “She joined her kindergarten grade despite not being mature enough, and she couldn’t keep up scholastically. She had to be held back a year in first grade because she is weaker academically, and she’s still very insecure about it. She calls herself stupid all the time.”

In a classroom, it’s not hard to spot the redshirted kids, according to Tamar Lowenstein, a middle-school teacher who’s been teaching at a New York-based Bais Yaakov for the past decade. “They’re often a little savvier when they join their classes and a little more mature, which tends to help them accrue friends more easily. I don’t always see that they’re academically ahead, but it happens fairly often.”

Social maturity helps in the K-4 grades, but it’s of paramount importance during the middle school years. “There are all these social-emotional milestones that girls reach that don’t get the same attention as the physical ones — like moving from playing with everyone to making a chevreh; from friends being ‘kids you talk to in school’ to friends being ‘kids you spend hours on the phone with at home;’ to the independence that develops as kids start to arrange their own playdates without their parents involved,” says Mrs. Lowenstein. “And the fact is, the younger kids don’t always catch on as quickly and get left behind.”

Mrs. Lowenstein remembers one student in particular. “Despite being the youngest in the class, she was very smart, nice, and well-liked. But even so, she could not find her bearings in her class — the other girls were just on another level socially and she couldn’t keep up.”

Debbie Cohen, a mother of a fifth grader, has seen this play out, too. “My daughter’s classmate is one of the youngest. She is bright and friendly, but she had some awful years where she couldn’t figure out how to be friends with multiple people at once. But socially, everyone else in the class was already there.”

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield EdD is Head of School at Yeshiva Toras Emes in Houston, Texas, a rapidly growing yeshivah for students from early childhood through eighth grade. “When children are thoughtfully held back, especially those who are borderline in terms of readiness, the results are often very positive. They tend to enter school more confident, socially adjusted, and with a stronger foundation for academic learning,” he says.

Rabbi Garfield — who hosts Mishpacha’s The Learning Curve podcast as well as the Chinuch Today podcast — remembers one boy who was on the younger side and small for his age. His parents were concerned he’d be overwhelmed socially and struggle to keep up. They decided to wait a year, and the difference was remarkable. He came into school the next year more secure, more verbal, and emotionally prepared for classroom expectations. That early boost helped him avoid years of catch-up and allowed him to shine.

There’s sometimes a fear that holding a child back is “wasting a year,” but Rabbi Garfield maintains that the extra time often gives children a stronger trajectory long-term, especially for children who may develop at a slower pace in early childhood.

But is it always the best advantage? That depends on a lot of factors, which is why the decision to redshirt a child can feel so agonizing.

The Long-Term View

Self-definition is a fascinating thing. It’s shaped during our earliest years and is often based on how we measure up in the environment we’re in the most — our homes and our classrooms. If, growing up, you were the tallest in your class from K-12, you’ll likely think of yourself as a tall person, even if according to national statistics, you’re only a drop above average.

The same applies to other self-definitions. Do we view ourselves as smart? Overweight? Athletic? Everything is relative because the way we typically define ourselves is in comparison to others, especially our peer group. This starts from the youngest of ages, and the labels that  children get — or give themselves — can stick, defining their identity years on, perhaps forever.

Sociologist Robert Merton calls this a “self-fulfilling prophecy,” a situation where “a false definition in the beginning… evokes a new behavior which makes the original false conception come true.”

So when you’re making a decision in the here and now about kindergarten, you’re also making a decision about the trajectory of your child’s future. How will being the oldest — or youngest — shape your child’s self-definition in year one, two, or three, and how will that impact their identity in the transformative years of adolescence, and how will that influence their identity as an adult?

Physical maturity that comes way before — or after — peers can make a huge imprint on how we view ourselves. “I teach eleven-year-olds and it’s so much harder on the girls who develop faster, who are so much taller than everyone else,” says Mrs. Lowenstein. “We’ve had situations where a girl needs some guidance — about clothes, about other changes — and isn’t necessarily getting it at home, but she can’t really talk to her friends about it, either. It doesn’t feel like a special thing for them to get that head start. It’s often a source of shame and embarrassment.”

Being the perpetual youngest — and shortest — isn’t a cakewalk, either. “The boys who are younger have growth spurts later. They’re just smaller than everyone else, and that difference is often huge when it comes to boys. They feel like people don’t take them seriously,” says Miriam, a mother of an eighth-grade boy. “When bar mitzvahs come, youngests reach that milestone last, coming after the enthusiasm has ebbed. They’re stuck waiting; they can’t lead a mezumen or be counted in a minyan like their peers.

“Some boys overcompensate,” Miriam continues. “One of my son’s friends is still very small and has taken on this super obnoxious macho-man kind of attitude where he’s just really chutzpahdig and wild, and I’m positive that it’s because he feels like he needs to be big and noticeable somehow.”

It’s something to consider when you’re contemplating holding back your child. “You can’t predict the future, but physically, you can make some educated guesses. If your family is short, for example, don’t subject a boy to being the youngest in the class, too,” advises Miriam.

Fast forward a decade or two and there are even more variables to consider. If you have a son, for instance, and it’s normal in your community for boys to go away for yeshivah — well, there’s a big difference between sending off a 13-year-old to ninth grade as compared to a 14-year-old. “A boy going away for yeshivah when he’s younger is still younger, even if he’s in the right grade for it. And that can be a struggle,” says Miriam.

Being the oldest, however, can be harder for girls when they hit shidduchim. “It’s emotionally hard for girls to emerge from seminary when they’re almost 20. When they start shidduchim, they feel like they’re already behind.”

A Unique Trajectory

Tehilla, an experienced teacher who has been working with high school students for decades, has a different take on pushing children ahead. (The expression “pushing ahead,” as is commonly used, isn’t about skipping a grade, but rather starting the school year on schedule even if the child may not be ready.)

“Years ago, I had a student, Abby, who struggled in school,” Tehilla remembers. “She had trouble understanding tasks and completing them in the allotted time frame. She also lacked a strong grasp of the material. You could tell she wanted to excel, but she was only able to score in the high 70s. I was once speaking to her mother and she said, ‘I know exactly why Abby struggles so much — it’s because I pushed her ahead.’

“At the time, this observation made perfect sense to me,” Tehilla continues. “Indeed, after that conversation, I assumed that pushing a kid ahead would translate into learning difficulties down the line. Years later, I decided to check this theory: Are the students who struggle — scholastically or seem less mature or have less impulse control — actually in the younger half of the class?

“I reviewed the class list and… turns out, all my assumptions were wrong. Likely by the time kids enter high school, other factors come into play — learning disabilities, how much scholastics are valued at home, natural ability, how they’re treated at home in terms of given responsibility, parental expectations of behavior, and probably also behavior modeling from their parents, too.”

Every child is unique and so is their trajectory, regardless of where they fall age-wise in the class lineup. “My daughter has two close friends in her grade who are the youngest in the class,” Debbie shares. “The younger one is super bright and has always been at the forefront of the class. The other girl struggled for a few years, got extra support, and is now easily on grade level. In my opinion, I think that if the school addresses learning issues right away, regardless of how old the child is, the students are fine.”

Dr. J. Weller is the founder of PTACH, an organization founded in 1980 to serve children with learning challenges who were not being educated in the regular yeshivah system. He maintains that although redshirting can help kids who aren’t ready for school yet, “Just holding them back when there is an actual learning challenge won’t take care of the issue in and of itself and the child will probably require additional professional intervention.”

Shloime can attest to this. As a child, he didn’t struggle academically, but he was hyperactive. “My parents decided to wait until I was six to start kindergarten, but that didn’t solve the problem. I was still hyperactive and disruptive in class. It was only years later, when it came time to go away for yeshivah, that my parents let me skip a year so I could join the grade older than me. I felt more accepted in my new class, which was my actual age group, than I’d felt all those years so out of place among kids so much younger than me.”

If a child is bright, redshirting can backfire. As Dr. Weller says, “If students are held back unnecessarily, they may end up being bored in class, having already developed basic skills.” And boredom can quickly lead to behavioral problems.

Let’s go back to that phrase “held back unnecessarily” — how do you know what’s necessary and what’s not necessary? Or what if you have a complicated case, like your five-year-old son is super bright, but he lacks both height and emotional maturity. Then what? There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but here are some helpful guidelines:

How to Make an Educated Decision

“Readiness is not just about knowing the alef-beis or being able to sit still. We look at a combination of factors,” says Rabbi Garfield. He outlines them as follows:

Emotional regulation — Can the child manage disappointment, wait for turns, and follow directions without becoming dysregulated?

Social maturity — Does the child know how to navigate group settings, engage with peers, and advocate for themselves appropriately?

Stamina — Can the child sustain attention and effort over the course of a school day without melting down?

Language and communication — Can the child understand multistep directions, express needs, and engage in back-and-forth conversation?

According to Dr. Weller, language skills, attention span, and social pragmatics are key development components of learning, so children should be given the opportunity to develop these key areas before beginning school.

Parents know their children best, as the adage goes, but they’re not always aware of the skills and competencies that will be required to succeed in the school environment. “Parents often experience their child as being bright, but since the child is home, they don’t yet know their social and emotional level, which can be on a very different level than pure academic ability,” says Rabbi Garfield.

“This can give parents the false notion that their child is ready to start school or to be placed in an advanced age group,” he continues. “But pushing these children ahead can cause significant long-term challenges. These children can carry that early gap with them, especially if they internalize a sense of failure early on.”

If you’re not sure how your child will hold up against his peers, it may help to get an outside opinion. “When in doubt, have the child evaluated to see for real what their skill level actually is,” advises Dr. Weller. “They need to be carefully evaluated in all areas — educational readiness and social/emotional areas. Otherwise, parents run the risk of the child falling behind their peers in critical development areas. Why put the child at risk if he or she is not ready? And if there are delays in the critical areas of language skills, attention span, and social pragmatics, serious consideration should be given to keep the child behind.”

There are a host of other factors that Rabbi Garfield has seen parents grapple with. Some parents focus on the social aspects, choosing a class because their child is socially attached to a certain group. Some are influenced by financial factors, such as wanting to avoid another year of preschool tuition. Others prioritize teacher input.

“For months, I debated back and forth where to put my child,” Shoshana remembers. “Finally, I spoke to the early childhood director. She’d seen both classes day in and day out and she told me up-front that she could see already that one class had certain personalities in it that would make it a tough class socially. And guess what, she was right. Seven years later, it’s still a hard class.”

If, after weighing all the pros and cons, parents are still in doubt, “It may be wise to err on the side of caution,” says Rabbi Garfield. “It’s easier to start a little later and have the child feel successful than to push early and risk years of frustration or remediation. I have yet to meet a thirteen-year-old whose parents regret that they started school at six instead of five.”

Dr. Weller agrees. If parents are in doubt, they should not push ahead unless they have clear data to support that decision.

There are, however, many equally passionate people who would push for pushing ahead, claiming that being in doubt doesn’t always equal holding back. You can only judge case by case. As Mrs. Lowenstein so perfectly sums it up: “I think it’s really a lot of siyata d’Shmaya and so dependent on the kid.”

As parents, our role is not just making the decision, but keeping on top of how it plays out. “If it becomes evident that a child needs additional support, parents should not bury their heads in the sand and say, ‘He’ll outgrow it’ or ‘I was the same way as a kid,’” cautions Dr. Weller. “You don’t want little problems to become big problems.”

In the end, Rabbi Garfield emphasizes, “The best decisions are made not from fear or comparison, but from an honest, individualized understanding of the child. And when that happens, the child thrives.”

Going back to Dasi and her daughter Penina: After deliberating for months, with the application deadline looming close, Dasi ultimately decided to just start Penina in kindergarten on schedule, hoping her daughter’s curiosity and eagerness to start school would carry her through. But like many parents, she’s cautiously waiting to see how it will play out — hoping she made the right choice, knowing that only time will tell.

Where does the term “redshirting” come from?

Originally, circa 1950, it was used to refer to college athletes who were kept out of varsity competition for one year to develop stronger skills and were identifiable by the red shirts they wore to practice. It’s since been co-opted to refer to delaying kindergarten by a year

My Firsthand Experience:

“In elementary school, my friend Menachem was always chosen to lead the Purim groups, the Chanukah chagigahs, pretty much everything. He had the loudest voice and sang with the most confidence. As the tallest boy in our class, Menachem was the natural leader. We looked up to him; everyone wanted to be his friend. We thought he was for sure always chosen because he had a beautiful strong voice. I remember the day I realized Menachem was legit tone-deaf, no exaggeration. We must’ve been around eleven or twelve years old. I’m still surprised at the revelation as if it just struck me today. Menachem wasn’t musical. In fact, he wasn’t even tall for his age. He was just simply the oldest boy in our class.”

–Dov

My Firsthand Experience:

“My daughter is on the younger end of her class, and everyone kept telling me ominously, ‘When in doubt, hold back!’ But my then four-year-old daughter was reading already, so why on earth should I have kept her in childcare another year? She was bored out of her brains! I started her in school, and now, in third grade, I’m still so grateful every day that I did that.”

–Yehudis

My Firsthand Experience:

“My parents held me back in kindergarten, so I was a good four months older than the next-oldest classmate. It wasn’t a good experience, especially when I hit my growth spurt. Since I was taller, bigger, and more mature than everyone else, I never felt like I belonged. I had terrible self-esteem because of it. Even the compliments I got from teachers praising my work weren’t effective. I always told myself, Obviously, it’s only because I’m so much older than everyone else here. Until this day, I can’t look at class pictures of myself because it makes me feel so awkwardly clumsy. I stand out a head above everyone else.”

–Leah

My Firsthand Experience:

“As an end-of-summer-baby, I entered kindergarten as the youngest kid in my grade. I was a mere 19 when over three-quarters of my classmates — most of whom were 20 and many even 21 already — were engaged or married. I was 19, for heaven’s sake! I felt so young and out of place suddenly, more than I had in school, where I had always fit in.”

–Hadassa

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 952)