We all know that in the early part of the 20th century many observant immigrants had a hard time earning a livelihood because of shemiras Shabbos.  Even among those who managed to stand strong against the temptation to be mechallel Shabbos many would constantly complain “oi s’iz shver tzu zain a Yid” (it’s difficult to be a Jew).

When second-generation immigrants ended up going off the derech Rav Moshe Feinstein zt”zl attributed it to their parents’ constant discontentment and kvetching about being a Yid.

The Ribbono shel Olam wants us to be happy – not just sometimes but always. More specifically we have a commandment to be happy on Yom Tov and especially on Succos a time when the Torah states no less than three times that we should be happy.

In today’s times this seems easier said than done. That's because – like the immigrants – people today tend to mistranslate the word simchah. Yes simchah means happiness but what type of happiness? The immigrants who complained about Shabbos observance equated happiness with material success and not having material things was a reason to be unhappy.The conclusion that being Jewish is a burden was only a natural outgrowth of that line of thinking. And that conclusion was transferred to the children through osmosis.

Look around. Many parents are making the same mistake equating happiness with the attainment of material goods. Worse even many purchases are made not with their true desires in mind but rather stem from fear; we are worried that our children will not like us chas v'shalom and unhappiness at home will cause them to seek pleasure elsewhere.

We have forgotten how to say 'no.' We are too intimidated to say “it does not fit into our lifestyle” or to even express the words “We can’t afford it now.” Because we fear rejection we are terrified that we will hear an unspoken message: “You’re not a good father”.

We want our children to be 'happy' so we give and keep on giving. In truth we are trying to buy their love. And we will go deep into debt with no natural way to pay back to keep them happy. For isn't that our job as parents? 

I am not suggesting that we are entirely in the wrong.

On one hand we introduce our children to chinuch with honey on the alef beis a tzuker'l for good behavior. We want to reward good behavior and to encourage more of the same to show our pride in their achievements. But let us never confuse that with buying happiness.

I recently heard of a mother bemoaning the fact that she had to rely on community generosity in order to marry off her daughter. Someone told her “They are not collecting for the chasunah they are collecting to replenish what you spent sending her to seminary in Israel -- for all the wrong reasons!'  That person was right. Peer pressure shidduchim-worries and most of all the fear of inadequacy of not being a good “provider” skew our priorities.

Chaza'l tell us that one who has 'maneh' one hundred wants 'mosayim' two hundred. It is only natural to want more than you have. Our children have every gadget and device imaginable but we know this doesn't bring simcha just atzvus since it stimulates further desire. But we have to keep buying lest they dislike us. We are trapped in a quagmire. Is there no way out?

It's time to change our mindset. We have to act with confidence not out of fear that we will lose the love of our children chas v'shalom by saying no.

Happiness? If we as parents infuse our daily living with simchas hachaim they will be happy. Parental example is the primary method of transmitting all middos. If parents don’t have simchas hachaim their children won't either.  Even Yiras Shamayim should extend from contentment with our way of life. While our schools impart knowledge we the parents must impart internal belief and satisfaction in avodah.

We should use the opportunities we are given be it at the supper table or the Shabbos table to discuss concrete examples of Hashgacha Pratis and niflaos haBorei. This will give our children a real sense of what is important and what is at the core of our lives and thus the tools for true simcha.

Aside for parental example the next best way to transmit simcha is by allowing our children to taste the joy of accomplishment. Doing chesed for others or allowing them to contribute to the good of the family can put anyone in high spirits Investing a girl with the responsibility of making a kugel for Shabbos and letting her soak up the well-earned accolades is giving her a chance at happiness.

It is the season of simcha. We spend the holiest days in the year asking Hakadosh Boruch Hu to bring us close to Him. The best way to do that is through simcha. When Elisha Hanavi wanted the Shechina to rest upon him he requested “bring me a minstrel. And it came to pass when the minstrel played that the hand of Hashem came upon him.”

With the above in mind it is clear that we don't need 'things' to inoculate our children with simcha. We need patience and creativity but not great amounts of money. Whatever situation we may be in we have the chance and more importantly the mandate to raise happy kids. And if Hashem commanded us to do so it must be within reach.

Rabbi Sacks Chief Rabbi of the British Commonwealth tells a story with a powerful and relevant lesson.

 The great violinist Itzhak Perlman contracted polio as a child and has been unable to walk properly ever since. On one occasion he was performing a violin concerto when with an audible ping one of the strings of his Stradivarius broke in the first movement. Everyone waited to see what he would do. With astonishing virtuosity he continued as if nothing had happened playing through to the finale using only the remaining three strings. The applause as the concerto ended was tumultuous not only for his performance but for his self-control in continuing undaunted. As the applause subsided he addressed the audience with just one sentence: “Sometimes the job of an artist is to make music with what remains.”

I would like to adapt his sentence: our job as parents is to create happiness with whatever the Borei Kol Ha’olomim sends our way.

Rabbi Shneur Aisenstark is the dean of Beth Jacob Seminary of Montreal.