Keeping It Kosher

Faced with the tragic reality, I was told by the rabbanim, “You need to help create a response to this tragedy.”

We needed a program that educated children and adults on how to prevent, recognize, and deal with abuse. There were plenty of programs in the non-Jewish world, but I wanted something that could be adapted to the unique needs of the frum community. This led me onto a thorough search, including spending time in public schools, watching various programs being taught to students, and many hours sifting through the material of many education initiatives.

I finally discovered the program of the NCMEC — the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. It was evidence-based, grounded in a healthy approach to the topic of safety (not based on fear tactics), and could easily be adapted to the needs of the frum community.

I called up the NCMEC and explained the situation. “We’re Orthodox Jews,” I told the representative on the other end of the line. “We want to use your program with some modifications — like changing the pictures of the children in your materials — and of course, we would credit you as the originators of the program.”

While I hoped they would be open to the suggestion, I was taken aback by their sheer excitement at the idea.

They had only one caveat: “You can change our pictures and visuals, but as for the program itself, keep that kosher!” The NCMEC didn’t want us to change anything fundamental about the program, but they offered to help us figure out what parts of the program we could modify, and what core concepts needed to stay intact. They sent us a mentor, who labored with us for a year on every detail, including our approved changes, the artwork of our visuals, a video to be presented to the frum community (which our mentor loved), and a special course showing us how to teach the new and improved program to kids.

Everyone drove out to the Palisades to train with the NCMEC representatives. They explained their underlying philosophy — that the Safety Kid program should be taught by people who could keep kids entertained. Because this wasn’t about instilling fear, but about giving children and adults the tools to be confident and articulate enough to understand when a situation is problematic, what to say, and to whom.

The Four-Pronged Approach

Before we finished developing the children’s program, a crisis in a community in the Midwest had us testing our fledgling work.

A distraught principal who had heard that we were developing a program called about a case involving a teacher and various students. “What should we do? Can you come and help out?”

We flew in with whatever we had to do damage control.

“I knew he was alone with students in his classroom after school and the windows were covered with construction paper, but I didn’t realize that was an issue,” a rebbi confessed after our presentation.

It was a difficult but valuable experience, and it helped us realize that although the children’s part of our program was great, we needed something more — a four-pronged approach that could educate school administrators, teachers, and parents, as well as the children. The administration needed to learn how to hire staff and deter predators, the teachers were on the front lines in their ability to prevent and spot any issues, and parents are the guardians of the home. All of them play a crucial role in identifying issues and supporting our children if anything arises.

If we were going to create safe communities, we had to speak to all of them. We had to explain the concepts of professional boundaries, how to spot symptoms of abuse, the characteristics of predators, how to handle difficult disclosures, and who to tell — murky areas for the majority of our community that desperately needed to be addressed.

By 2013, I had officially founded Magen Yeladim, bringing the Safety Kid program along. I spoke (and constantly speak!) at schools around the country. Our philosophy is to first address the school administrators, then the teachers, followed by the parents. Only once all the adults in their lives have been educated do we go into the classrooms and educate the students.

We introduce clear policies to remove any ambiguity.

Policies for administrations to implement that make schools a threatening environment for anyone unwelcome — like robust safety rules. One small but significant deterrent is a detailed policy about all the safety rules in the school. Employers should carefully watch interviewees to see how they react to the 25-plus page Policy Booklet. Potential predators paging through the many rules designed to keep children safe will often search for employment elsewhere.

These are policies teachers must follow to keep themselves and students safe, such as constant supervision (the importance of this cannot be stressed enough), never being alone with students in a closed classroom, keeping doors open and the window panes on each classroom door clear and uncluttered. Teachers also see their students every day, and any sudden change of behavior should be a red flag. Sometimes the reason is innocent — there’s a new baby in the house — but sometimes, children act out when they can’t express themselves and the trauma they’re experiencing. In such cases, it’s teachers who may sound the alarm.

We suggest policies that parents should follow in shul, on trips, during large family get-togethers — including the routine supervision that keeps children safe, such as even after children are in bed, checking on them every so often. Knowing that Mommy and Tatty are somewhere nearby and can pop in at any moment helps them feel secure. Having Mommy and Tatty popping in every so often in itself can prevent many issues.

Parents can be proactive at large family get-togethers, which should be enjoyable for everyone. They can be, if parents casually check in on their kids at regular intervals. We also tell parents, “Trust your instincts!” Sometimes, something looks innocent, but you don’t feel comfortable with it. That’s when you need to trust yourself and act. One mother, made uneasy by the way a shul member was roughhousing with her little girls, said something to the rav. The problem was nipped in the bud, and so many potential incidents were avoided by her prompt action.

The other area we stress is that the most important tool parents have to protect their children is their relationship with each child. We train parents to have open conversations that both educate and open the lines of communication. The tone to children should be, “I am your parent, you can talk to me about anything, and I will be here to take care of you.” And we speak to the children — using engaging, age-appropriate language for both the very young and the more mature — who, knowing the Safety Kid program’s rules, understand when a situation is not okay, and what to do if they feel uncomfortable.

For instance, one of the handouts we give children during our presentation is the Trust Tree. We talk about who the children can trust in their family, which family friends they can rely on, and who they can go to at school if they don’t feel safe. This exercise, which kids will repeat with their parents at home, helps children identify the “safe” adults in their lives — hopefully before anything occurs. Because communication is the key to prevention.

And we tell everyone in the four-pronged approach how to spot a “person who makes you feel uncomfortable.” That’s often someone who pays an unusual amount of attention to one child, giving them presents or treats and playing favorites (called “grooming”). This is often someone who doesn’t “act his age,” who avidly plays with much younger people in a way that doesn’t seem typical. Behaviors like these are not concrete proof of anything, but definite red flags.

Presentation after presentation, the message seeps in. At Magen Yeladim, we receive emails and phone calls from almost every participating school. There’s the alert teacher who realized that a “private” clubhouse built out of cardboard boxes in the gym was an issue, the supervisor who insisted that the main bathroom door always stay ajar to avoid any potential issues, and the case of a principal’s five-year-old daughter, who, in response to his assumption that their neighbor was a trusted adult, said matter-of-factly, “No, he isn’t. He does all those things we learned that we’re not supposed to do.”

Knowledge is the most powerful gift we can give.

A Common Language

Our children are so precious, yet so vulnerable.

We can’t make sure nothing bad ever happens, but we can try to make sure it doesn’t happen again. When a child asks for help and we rise to the challenge, supporting them unconditionally, we instill trust, resilience, and a sense of worth. When they watch us advocate for them, they know how much we care, and understand that turning to a trusted adult is the best way to ensure that distressing incidents don’t happen again.

And we have to care, because the numbers are frightening, and the impact of untreated abuse on children can cause trauma for life. Yet fear-induced paralysis (and paranoia) isn’t healthy either — there has to be a sense of balance. Magen Yeladim works past the fear, addressing the solution in a clear, and direct way that empowers both children and adults.

The ABCs of Safety are easy ways for kids and adults to remember basic behaviors that keep everyone safe. When children really know the ABCs, and so do their parents, the important rules become as much a part of the home as, “Wear your helmet!” and “Don’t touch the stove!” Right before a trip to the zoo, a mother casually reminds her children to “Ask for help from a safe helper if you get lost!” and her kids respond that obviously, they know to ask a mother with kids or a policeman for help. A child yelling, “Mr. Berg next door wants to give me a candy. I’m checking with you first to see if that’s okay, Ta!” And his father answering, “Thanks for checking in, Naftoli. I’ll go outside and see what he wants to give you.” When the “language” of the Safety Kid Program becomes routine for both parents and children, that’s when we make progress.

One initially skeptical father called to tell me he was convinced that our program was a good one after an incident involving his son. He’d sent the child home early from shul, and an older teen approached him in an uncomfortable way on the short walk. As soon as the young boy entered his house, he marched over to his mother and said, “Mommy, I have a ‘Do-tell’ I need to speak to you about.” The two of them discussed the situation (which hadn’t progressed beyond the “red flag” stage), and a potential crisis was averted.

“My son knew how to respond and how to express what had happened, and my wife knew exactly what to say and do, all because of your program,” the father told me.

When there’s a common language, there’s a communal answer.

Behind and Ahead

It’s a constant journey, reevaluating, reworking, creating new programs and workshops over the years as the need arises. High school girls; girls going to seminary (over a decade ago I wrote a book for this age bracket called Seminary Savvy); counselors; rebbeim. There is so much more awareness today, a thirst to understand and hold the difficult conversations that were once impossible.

But sometimes, it can be overwhelmingly sad.

There are triumphs, but there is also so much pain.

I was recently at a simchah where I spotted a beautifully-dressed teenage girl whom I recognized. I knew that behind her sweet smile was a gaping abyss of darkness that Magen Yeladim had worked so hard to fill. I remembered the suffering that she and her parents experienced, and while watching her dance with friends and relatives I felt tearful, but also so grateful that we had been there to help her. Because we never take that privilege for granted.

Often, when I feel the weight of the sadness, I look behind at the road we’ve traveled. As a community, we’ve come so far, broken through so much silence, and the changes we’ve made are inspiring.

And I look ahead, because there is still a long way to go.

It takes a community to keep our children safe.

Together, we can give everyone the strength to know how to speak up.

To those who have suffered in the past… it is my prayer that you feel our efforts toward prevention and keeping our children safe, and see healing and hope in a safer future.

Safe Kid Program’s ABCs of Safety

A – Ask for help. I know how to find a safe helper and ASK FOR HELP when I’m lost or need help. I know my name, my parents’ names, address, and telephone numbers.

B – Bring a friend. I always BRING A FRIEND with me when I go places or play outside. There is safety in numbers.

C – Check first. Before going anywhere with someone or accepting any gifts, I always CHECK FIRST with my parents or the adult in charge. I am always safer when my parents know where I am, who I am with, when I will return, and what I am doing.

D – Do tell. I know that I should not keep secrets from my parents, even if I am told not to tell. I know that I should yell NO, RUN AWAY, and TELL my parents or a trusted adult if another adult or child tries to touch me or makes me feel scared or uncomfortable. It’s okay to keep TELLING my parents or a trusted adult I have something important to say until I am heard and can get the help I need.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 949)