Are we raising money — or collecting prizes?

Dear Tzemach Eliyahu L’melech proprietor,

Hello. I’m sure you’re a very legitimate tzedakah with lots of haskamos from lots of gedolim, but at the risk of being overly informal, I have no idea who you are. I have never heard of you. I don’t know what you do. I do know, however, that you spent tens of thousands of dollars airdropping prize book leaflets onto every front lawn in the Tristate. So now my six-year-old thinks that this is a real shopping catalogue. (“Ma, this 3D printer is only six hundred fifty dollars, you can get that for my birthday,” was an actual quote that came out of his actual mouth.) He has circled two prizes in particular:  the Tesla stuffed with candy, and the real, full-sized carnival. Where do I have room to store a carnival? Why does my child think that he can get one for 75 grand? AND WHICH CHILD ACTUALLY MANAGES TO RAISE THAT MUCH MONEY?

Unfortunately, my son has not stopped sobbing since my attempted reality check. I would consider setting up a lemonade stand and contributing a portion of the profits, but first, please provide me with the following information: Who are you? Where does your money go? And can I be taken off your mailing list?

Awaiting your reply,

Anon and Annoyed

Dear Nephews,

If the literal only time you call us is when your yeshivah is fundraising, please do not call us. I just thumbed through our text history and it’s eight years of you soliciting. Come on. We’d love to schmooze any old time, though!

We’re not even your rich aunt and uncle!

The Schwartzenfeigs