Parents have an obligation to prepare their kids for adult life and this includes teaching them appropriate social behaviors

Q.

In the past six months, we’ve been working to increase the level of respect that our children show us. All the kids have become more conscious and more careful when speaking to us, and I’m very pleased with their progress. However, I see that they’re not applying their new skills to their interactions with each other. I routinely hear conversations that go like this:

“Chani, I need the phone!”

“Well, you’re not getting it!”

Both statements are being uttered in very unpleasant voices. And this is when they’re not fighting with each other! When there’s a dispute, their behavior includes name calling, insulting, screeching, and other completely unacceptable ways of speaking. How can I get my kids to show respect to each other like they show to their parents? Or is this an unreasonable expectation?

A.

It’s not at all unreasonable to expect children to speak appropriately to everyone. In fact, it’s strange to assume that this is too much to ask. We’re all capable of controlling our speech when required to do so and, far from being an onerous demand, our forced civility actually helps keep us happier, calmer, and healthier. Emotional flare-ups, hostile language, and conflict harms us as well as those around us.

In the workplace, it’s generally unacceptable to degrade people for any reason and, no matter what we think or feel, the desire to hold on to our jobs gives us the strength to control our tongues. Similarly, in school, students will generally be called to account for verbal abuse, bullying, disrespect to authority, and other verbal offenses and consequently, they generally manage to control how they speak. Why should it be any different at home?

Parents have an obligation to prepare their kids for adult life and part of this includes teaching them appropriate social behaviors. The more skilled a child is in this realm, the happier and more successful he’ll be. Practicing rudeness to siblings improves the skill of rudeness; it makes unpleasant communication more “natural” and available to the one who uses it throughout childhood.

On the other hand, parents who would like their kids to master respectful speech — especially in the face of provocation, disappointment, frustration, or other difficult scenarios — can teach, encourage, and reinforce such speech in everyday family interactions. They can also discipline unacceptable speech, if this proves necessary. They would do this the way they would teach any other skill that matters to them.

For instance, how does a parent teach their kids not to beat each other up? Most parents find physical violence to be an unacceptable form of communication in the home. Ideally, they explain this to their kids, offer them alternative strategies, help them practice these alternative behaviors, and reward the appropriate behaviors when they occur in real time (e.g., “If your brother grabs your toy, keep your hands down, turn around and come to me right away to tell me what happened.”) Kids who fail to catch on can be disciplined until they catch on, and then they will be generously rewarded for following the healthier behavioral strategies.

You can follow the exact same steps in order to teach your kids to communicate respectfully with each other. First explain what is and what isn’t respectful speech. You may be able to find a child-friendly book that helps explain this concept, and read a bit each day at the dinner table. In addition, when you overhear unacceptable speech, write it down and use it as the basis of a speech lesson, explaining what’s offensive about it and what could have been said instead.

Catch the kids being respectful to each other and acknowledge their appropriate behavior with praise, labels, and occasional rewards (“Wow. You guys negotiated that in such a respectful way. You’re both excellent communicators! Let’s celebrate that!”).

To be successful in this program, keep in mind that it takes a very long time to successfully change speech patterns and that patience is worth it because acquiring this skill is so important. Remember that you both can and should teach your kids to interact with each other pleasantly and that failure to do so is actually a form of neglect in parenting. Although you can’t hear all of the private sibling conversations that occur, you will have plenty of opportunity to hear and reinforce as well as hear and correct. Remember, Hashem gave us 20 years to raise our kids for a reason!

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 928)