You as parents might have to clarify in your own minds what the main points are that you want to convey

Q:

I have three teenaged boys, and because of their yeshivah schedule, they’re not really in a position to help at home with household tasks. During an off-Shabbos or bein hazmanim, though, they’re around the house, and I’m disappointed and concerned with their attitudes.

I always try to model respectful speech and a calm demeanor, but when I ask for help with simple tasks (cleaning up the dishes and wrappers from the food they brought to their rooms, pitching in with their laundry, taking out an overflowing garbage bag on which they’ve precariously stacked ten items, etc.), it’s just not getting done.

I don’t want to nag, and I don’t want our relationship to be reduced to instructions, but I’m worried that they’re about to turn into young adults without adult life skills.

A:

You are blessed with a rich person’s troubles. To have three happy, healthy boys who are in yeshivah is a brachah. By no means am I minimizing your concerns, however. Even good, healthy children require direction and preparation for life. You are absolutely correct in wanting your children to grow up to be respectful, responsible, and dependable. You also are right in not wanting your children to grow up feeling entitled, which would impair their ability to deal with the realities of life.

Before we begin, where is the father in this picture? Is he a man who learns Torah and helps at home? Is he a man so busy that he really has no time to help? Maybe he’s a very big masmid, and you have no expectation that he should help? A father’s modeling will often play a very big role in the behavior of his children. If he is helping, it would be more effective if he brought the boys into the circle of helping.

Culture plays a significant role in who participates in the chores at home. But you, as a mother, can create a culture in your home. It is much easier to do so when the children are still at a young age, but even now, you still have options to try.

Have you and your husband ever considered calling a meeting with your sons? Sit down with each of them separately; they might be more comfortable expressing their feelings without having to deal with brother politics or the perceived critical eye of another. Also, if they are a chevreh, they may not know how to separate their own feelings from what the others think; this way, each boy can learn about his own thought process.

Meetings like these can be very respectful when we follow the protocols of proper human interaction. Make believe that these three wonderful young men are your neighbors’ children. How would you conduct that meeting? Open the meeting by expressing the respect you really have for them and for what they are doing with their lives.

Ask them how they feel about themselves, and then how they feel about the family. What does it mean to them when they come home? Ask them questions about how they understand the dynamics of a household. Because you are meeting them individually, you might find that they may have very diverse opinions about things. You will probably learn some things that you did not know before.

It’s possible they may not be able to answer these questions. If so, you can continue the discussion by expressing what it means to you when they come back home — the joy, the nachas….

At this point in the discussion, it’s time to ask a question: What do they think their household responsibilities should be? They’ve probably never really thought about it, and this dialogue will open their minds to introspection. They may need to hear you describe their desired responsibilities. But it would be best if you could first ask them what they think you need help with.

Before you have this discussion, you as parents might have to clarify in your own minds what the main points are that you want to convey. Without such preparation, you might fall back on preaching right and wrong or playing out your own fears rather than presenting a way of understanding the importance of thinking of others, gratitude, and collaboration. Your preparation will also help if they cannot think of practical ideas; you may need to explain what you need help with.

Once it is clear what is necessary, let them divvy up the chores among themselves. If they need help with this part, you can help them — but it should be their process. It is always important — when possible — to allow them to choose the chores with which they feel comfortable. Sometimes, we have ideas about who should do what. In the long run, help will be far more sustainable when people do what they are more comfortable doing.

A word from my rebbi, the Mashgiach, Rav Shlomo Wolbe ztz”l, regarding enlisting the help of children. You want to differentiate between taking care of the younger children and helping with communal responsibilities, such as setting and cleaning off the table, putting away their own laundry (maybe even doing it themselves), and shopping. These chores touch on the areas of the “mess” that they help create, and gives them ways to participate in the solution. We all sit down to eat; someone needs to set and clear the table.

On the other hand, taking care of the younger children is our responsibility as parents who brought them into this world. If we want to bring our older children into that circle of care and responsibility, it has to be with an understanding that it is not their job, but special kindness and care on their part.

This does not mean that if I am working two jobs to provide for my children, I cannot ask them to chip in while I am working to take care of their needs. It means that when I decided to bring children into the world, it became my responsibility to care for them. I cannot make it their responsibility.

I can try to help them understand that our love for them and their siblings brings us all together and helps us all be a great family. So all of us work together to keep it that way. There are even aspects for which you do not need their help — to create projects to do together to build the family team.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1045)