Avoiding bad behavior is more important than saying sorry

Act 1, Scene 1 - At Home at the Dinner Table

Wife to husband: “Move your stuff out of the way.”

Husband to wife: “Do you think you could ask that more nicely?”

Wife: “Would you mind moving your things off the table please?”

Husband: “And I want an apology for the way you spoke before. You’re always barking orders at me. You show respect to every person you talk to except me. You would never speak like that to the kids, the hired help, your family, or even strangers.

Wife: “I acknowledged your point already by correcting my speech. You were right, and I fixed the way I spoke.”

Husband: “But you haven’t apologized.”

Wife: “I’m sorry I didn’t say it nicely.”

Husband: “That’s not an apology.”

Wife: “I said I’m sorry!”

Husband: “You don’t mean it. I want a real apology.”

Wife: “I’m sick of this! I’m sick of having to apologize to you for every little mistake I make! Do you want me to throw myself on the floor and beg your forgiveness every time I do something wrong? You do plenty wrong, and I don’t make you apologize all the time. And then my apologies are never good enough for you! I’ve had it!

Small Things

Apologies are important. We need to be able to admit our foibles, correct them, and move forward. Apologies show that we care about our loved ones and regret causing them pain. However, it’s the actual correction of our behavior that shows the depth and sincerity of caring. Apologetic words themselves are really only a prelude to the main act: the correction.

If it bothers you that I leave my shoes in the hallway, then consistently moving them to their designated place on the shoe rack will show that I care about you — I don’t want you to be aggravated by my misplaced shoes. Saying sorry the next time I leave them out is only an introductory remark — without actual teshuvah on the matter, the apology is meaningless. Immediately correcting oneself, such as by moving my shoes into their proper location right away when asked to — without defensive rebuttals, countercomplaints, denial or other maneuvers — is another way that errors can be acknowledged. Verbal acknowledgments such as “You’re right” or “I didn’t think about that” or “I hear you” are also valid introductions to corrections.

However, some parents inculcate the magic formula, “Say sorry” when raising their kids. This can then become a crippling mantra for the child throughout life. The parents accidentally convey that apologies are the main act rather than the corrections. Moreover, they may teach that the apology itself has to be said “just so” and absolutely must include the word “sorry” in order to fix and undo guilt, wrongness, and extreme badness. The episode isn’t over until the exactly correct apology is uttered. The world isn’t right. We aren’t going to move on.

Oh Well

It can be challenging for adults to shake loose of the childish need for the magic words. Some people find it hard because they haven’t paused to examine assumptions they developed before age ten. Some others find it hard because they’re under the influence of an obsessive-compulsive inner force that desperately needs things to “click” in the right place (i.e., the conversation can’t end unless the precisely worded apology is given because it doesn’t “feel” finished).

Some people need to be declared the “winner” and can’t let the apology go because it’s an affront to their sense of self if their opponent remains upright at the end of the conversation. Whatever the reason, those who repeatedly insist on the properly performed apology will eventually encounter resistance and rejection. Adult partners don’t feel cherished by those who constantly need to rub their noses in their accidents.

There is an alternative for those who feel they absolutely must receive a sincerely spoken “sorry” and that is to say to themselves “oh well” instead of asking for the apology. Just think, “Oh well. My spouse made a mistake. Oh well, I do that too sometimes.” “Oh well, at least he/she has addressed my concern in some way.” This “oh well” habit can keep one and one’s relationships very well indeed. It may be hard to do at first as those inner voices scream to be fed their apology. But with practice, it gets much easier and eventually it naturally replaces “say sorry.”

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 927)