The skills Lavoie identified:

Does the child:

• smile/laugh
• greet others
• extend invitations
• converse
• share
• give compliments
• appear put together

These may seem like skills that should be innate or instinctive. How can a parent teach them? Think of these skills as ingredients for a gourmet dish. It’s not a quick and easy dish you can whip up in minutes; it takes long and slow cooking to yield the best results.

Picture the following scenario: Zeesy is seven years old and has been dragged to a cousin’s wedding, where she doesn’t know anyone. She stands at the side, bored, sulking, and shuffling her feet. Her mother — who’s been looking forward to introducing Zeesy to her extended family — is embarrassed by Zeesy’s lack of cooperation. Instinctively, she may reply in the one of the following ways:

Hostile: “Don’t just stand there — at least try to smile!”

Pleading: “Everyone’s happy and having fun, and you’re just standing there. Why can’t you at least try to enjoy yourself?”

Prophesizing: “You know, if you want people to like you, you need to look friendly and smile. If you look so grouchy, no one will want to come talk to you.”

Denying feelings: “Why are you being so ridiculous? There’s no reason to stand on the sidelines. There’s nothing to be afraid of!”

These comments will only make Zeesy feel more upset — and they won’t give her mother the results she desires, either.

When you’re frustrated by your child’s seemingly rude behavior, it’s important to remember that it’s usually not intentional. In The Power of Showing Up, Drs. Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson point out that a child who resists saying hello to others, or who is quiet when meeting an adult, is likely feeling shy or anxious. “See her for where she is right now,” they urge. “What are the feelings behind [her] behavior?”

When you’re aware of your child’s feelings, you’re more readily able to accept them. You’ll know that your child is feeling uncomfortable and probably tense, which is normal in an unfamiliar situation. So instead of trying to dismiss your child’s feelings, or talk him out of them, you can focus on how to alleviate them. Can you help him relax? Is he hungry? What if you offer to smile and wave to show that you haven’t forgotten him?

You may need to field comments from well-meaning relatives, asking why your child is acting shy or rude. You can deflect those by using the magic phrase, “When she’s ready,” e.g., “When Zeesy’s ready, she’ll come and join us.”

Another helpful idea at simchahs is to offer your child a “job” that doesn’t involve interacting with people but is simple and technical — like holding something, or replenishing the paper towels. Having a real and practical role to play can serve as a distraction from anxiety, take her mind off her discomfort, and also help her feel important. Bear in mind that children might be reluctant to cooperate if they are feeling too painfully self-conscious, and that’s okay, too. You can calmly tell her, “Maybe later.”

If your child does cooperate, praise her generously, using descriptive praise, e.g., “Thanks for bringing more towels to the sink, now there’s plenty for everyone.”

Finally, remember to model the skills yourself. Like many tools, this isn’t a quick fix, but your child will absorb these behaviors for the future.

Most of the skills on Lavoie’s list can be taught to most kids using these key principles. Look to accept and validate the child’s feelings, and praise their behavior when it is appropriate. Role-play and rehearse the behaviors with them.

Other skills need extra support — like appearing put together. You’ll be relieved to hear that neither expensive wardrobes nor plastic surgery are a prerequisite for popularity. What’s at issue here is not stylishness or personal beauty; it’s about making an effort to ensure your child looks clean and put together. This is particularly applicable to elementary school kids and younger, who depend largely on parents for this; high school students can more easily take the reins themselves.

“I’ve had preschoolers come to school with old, shabby clothes, and it’s not for lack of money; you can buy cheap stuff nowadays and have your kid look like a million dollars,” observes Elisheva, an elementary school principal.

“Check before she goes to school: Is your daughter’s hair neat or all over the place? Can you add a bow or headband? Your daughter will feel better about herself, and other kids are more likely to be drawn to them,” Elisheva says. “It sounds trivial and gashmiyusdig, and of course people need to learn to rise above these kinds of things — but still, we need to be aware that for children, it’s important.

“Just simple clothing alone doesn’t mean no friends,” Elisheva adds. “But whether a child is clean, well-kept, and has personal hygiene, can impact their social life.” Elisheva also notes that clothing and hairstyles that stand out as radically different may also impact a child’s social status. When she feels that this is the case, she’ll sometimes call a parent to sensitively discuss these issues and give them some pointers to help their child integrate better socially.

I first met Sheindy, seven, when she was referred to my social skills group by her school principal. The principal wanted Sheindy to participate because she was struggling to form friendships and would frequently wander around the playground on her own.

Sheindy arrived at our first session with a messy ponytail, wrinkled tights, and a dress that was too long — and, week after week, she consistently appeared ungroomed, in sharp contrast to her classmates. If you looked past her dishevelled appearance, Sheindy had sparkling blue eyes and pleasant features, and she was intelligent and spunky. But her seven-year-old peers, in their perfect outfits with matching headbands, didn’t have the maturity to look past Sheindy’s unappealing exterior “packaging” and automatically avoided becoming close with her.

We spent a lot of time in the group doing activities to develop and build her self-esteem.  Behind the scenes, I checked out Sheindy’s family situation. Sometimes lack of grooming in a child can be a sign of deeper issues. But there were no signs of neglect or dysfunction: The family was healthy and even well-off. I met Sheindy’s mother in school one day, and I couldn’t help noticing that she also wore clothing that was extremely old-fashioned — a plain, uncompromising look that she wore unapologetically. I wondered if her old-school approach meant she just didn’t “get” the importance of Sheindy’s personal appearance?

I discussed this with my manager, who agreed to give Sheindy’s mother a few gentle pointers. The following week, I noticed that Sheindy came in with her ponytail neatly made and tied with a pretty ribbon. She got compliments, and was clearly delighted. Her clothing improved, too. It was clear that mom was making an effort. Sheindy‘s self-image got a boost, which made her a more attractive friend to others. It wasn’t that Sheindy needed nice clothes to make her a great kid — she already was a great kid. But now, it was easier for others to see it, too.

Hygiene is also important: Most children don’t want to sit near peers with lice, or those who are messy eaters, drool, or leave used tissues lying around. While some kids are naturally clean and tidy, others need a little extra help with self-care. If a child is really struggling with basic hygiene, it’s worth checking to see if there are any underlying issues with sensory or fine motor skills.

One thing remains the same, regardless of gender: Boys and girls with good self-esteem will cope better socially. “I remember one student with greasy hair,” recalls Rivka, a high school teacher. This could have had a negative social impact, but she was still popular. Rivka explained that she believes this girl’s confidence and sparkling personality helped her to override what her peers might have perceived as a “flaw.” Self-esteem is actually the foundation of all other social skills.

The foundation for good self-esteem starts at home, with a child feeling secure and loved. “A secure attachment is like emotional protective gear on a par with a skateboarding helmet,” write Drs. Siegel and Bryson in The Power of Showing Up. “Wearing a skateboarding helmet won’t prevent an accident, but it can lead to drastically different consequences if there is an accident.”

A positive approach by parents helps children feel good about themselves and develop in an emotionally healthy way.

When you enable your child to feel accepted, valued, and relaxed, and you model good skills, then you’re helping your child build the social skills they need for the future. Hey, maybe at the next family get-together she’ll even run off with her cousins and leave you behind!

Rachel Atkins QTS NPSLBA is a UK government-accredited behavior specialist, a Triple-P Parenting Practitioner, the director of Brilliant Behaviour, and cofounder of the Bye Bye Bullying Program.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 927)