“Many women with ADHD suffer silently and feel overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions and tend to feel ‘stuck’” 

A Wonderful Epilogue [Beacon of Light / Issue 922]

Your article about Rebbetzin Batya Barg a”h has a wonderful epilogue that I’d like to share with you.

On Erev Shabbos last week I received a call from a cousin of mine, Michal Katz, from Yerushalayim. Although it was just minutes to Shabbos for her, she called me with a special opportunity. She told me that there was a choshuve rebbetzin who passed away earlier that week who had never had any children. She told us that Basya bas Yehuda Leib was special, that during her entire childhood in the USSR she had been moser nefesh for Shabbos and that she’d helped many underprivileged children in Eretz Yisrael, was a kallah teacher, and gave shiurim. Michal told me that at the rebbetzin’s levayah, her nephew spoke and said that his aunt had said that if anyone wanted to do anything for her, they should learn the halachos of shemiras halashon, accept upon themselves to keep those halachos for at least an hour a day, and say one kapitel of Tehillim for her each day.

Since I was approaching my due date, I lit a candle l’ilui nishmasa and davened for an easy labor and delivery. At our Shabbos seudah, we took upon ourselves to be careful with shemiras halashon for the two hours of the seudah. Baruch Hashem, a few hours later, early Shabbos morning, our princess was born, healthy and beautiful. We were debating between a few names, but nothing felt right.

As we were speaking, the idea came up to name our baby Basya. It all clicked. We’d been zocheh to the miracle of a healthy baby and felt that we had an opportunity to name our daughter — who was born on the Shabbos of shivah of a woman who didn’t have any children or family members to sit shivah for her — after such an illustrious woman.

Hashem works in wondrous ways. Although Rebbetzin Batya Barg a”h didn’t have any children, a baby girl across the world was named for her a week after she passed away. May our daughter b’ezras Hashem follow in her footsteps and be a daughter of Hashem, spreading kindness, love, and chesed to others.

Tzeenie Ely

Baltimore, MD

Spray It On [Halachah / Issue 922]

I’m writing about the halachic question about having a non-Jew put diaper cream on a baby on Shabbos.

My mother actually discovered a great product on Amazon that solves this issue. It’s a diaper rash spray (with the consistency of regular diaper rash cream) that works phenomenally! We actually use it during the week as well because of its ease of use and no mess/dirty fingers.

I would highly recommend this product: Diaper Rash Spray by Boogie, travel-friendly no-rub touch- free application for sensitive skin.

Penina Lefton

Ramat Beit Shemesh

They Suffer Silently [Out of Focus / Issue 921]

I’d like to thank Rochie Bloomberg for her well-written and informative serial, Out of Focus, which I read with great interest and appreciation. I’m an ADHD coach for women, and the struggles, challenges, and successes that were described by Rochie and the women who shared their stories in the follow-up piece parallel what many women with ADHD experience.

As referenced in the serial, women with ADHD are often undiagnosed or diagnosed later in life because they tend to present with inattentive ADHD. Their symptoms can be more subtle and internal and less noticeable. They’re often dreamy, easily distracted, and forgetful. In contrast, hyperactive ADHD causes more external symptoms, such as fidgeting, restlessness, and impulsivity. (ADHD can also present as combined inattentive-hyperactive.)

Many women with ADHD suffer silently and feel overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions and tend to feel “stuck.” They may also struggle with anxiety and/or depression.

The main area of the brain affected by ADHD is the prefrontal cortex, which controls executive functioning. Executive function includes skills such as the ability to plan, prioritize, organize, retain information, show self-restraint, manage time, regulate emotions, problem-solve, focus, and make decisions. Women with ADHD may experience a wide range in the type and severity of symptoms.

Understanding executive functions and how the ADHD brain is neurologically wired and affects behavior is an important factor to consider. This self-awareness gives women more clarity as to why things may be more difficult for them. Women with ADHD aren’t flawed, but rather have a unique brain that works differently (a reason… not an excuse).

This can potentially impact all areas of life, and as the demands of life and household responsibilities increase, it can become even more challenging.

Women also tend to compare themselves to others who seemingly have it “together,” which can negatively impact self-esteem. Learned helplessness and perfectionism may also develop after years of struggling.

It’s important to highlight the incredible creativity and strengths of these amazing women. They are smart, empathetic, intuitive, and talented and can accomplish the impossible. Each small success is a victory and should be acknowledged and celebrated.

Treatment for women with ADHD involves a multifaceted approach that can include medication, therapy, coaching, and lifestyle changes. Proper nutrition, exercise, adequate sleep, and a structured routine can help manage symptoms.

ADHD coaching can help women with ADHD in many ways. It’s a collaborative, supportive, goal-oriented process in which the coach and client work together to identify goals and develop the strategies, skills, and techniques necessary to move forward in achieving those goals. Target goals are broken down into manageable steps as new habits are formed.

ADHD can be a superpower, and learning how to turn the challenges of it into strengths can be life-changing. Focusing on accomplishments and highlighting success fosters the motivation and drive to keep going. With self-awareness and resilience, women can feel empowered to succeed and move toward leading a more balanced and fulfilling life, reaching their full potential.

C. Scharf

CPC-AAPC

ADHD coach

To Reach Out to Him [Triple Say / Issue 921]

I’d like to add a point to the article discussing worrying versus emunah. In parshas Vayishlach, we find Yaakov Avinu “worried,” as he’s about to meet his brother, Eisav. Rav Avigdor Miller ztz”l asks, “Why was Yaakov afraid? Didn’t he have enough emunah?” Rav Miller answers, “Hashem created natural human emotions, such as fear, for us to use them properly and reach out to Him. As we see that Yaakov did; he davened to Hashem.”

S. W.

Yerushalayim

The One and Only Parenting Rule [Family Connections / Issue 921]

I’m responding to Sarah Chana Radcliffe’s words to a mother feeling guilty that her adult children suffered from her decision to stay in a difficult marriage. I wanted to say that if there is a single rule that always applies, this is it: Control is an illusion. We’re not in control. Everything else, as they say, is commentary. Life is about learning this rule over and over and over again. It’s very powerful to see it specifically in the context of parenting, even though it spills over in all of life’s circumstances.

It’s important to know the difference between caring for a child and being responsible for a child. We’re responsible to care for our children, we’re not responsible for them. Care is only a burden when we think we’re responsible for the results. We’re not. Hashem gives us a child and relies on us to care for the child to the very utmost. We must do for the child whatever the child isn’t capable of doing for themselves. The result, however, isn’t our responsibility. The only thing left to do is trust the child to rise to the challenge. Ultimately, it’s on the child.

It works like an inverted curve. The more the parent carries the responsibility, the less the child will. The less the parent carries the responsibility, the more the child will.

Caring without carrying the burden is valid for every age and stage of a child’s life. The care we give children will differ but the principle will remain the same.

A good way to help your child is to remember that you’re helping your child help themselves.

Meir is a young bochur who struggles to get up in the morning on time. His mother can offer alarm clocks and incentives. Of course she should empathize with the challenge. She can even allow him to feel the consequences of his actions, hoping it’ll teach him a lesson. But most importantly, she must not feel the burden. She should drop the responsibility completely. She’s not the one who needs to wake up; Meir needs to. She must trust that Meir can step up to the task.

Bracha gets very angry very quickly. There’s always drama around her, specifically with her siblings. Mommy is frustrated and very worried about this part of her personality. Mommy is also sorry for Chaya, the younger sister. “Poor kid. She did nothing to deserve that,” she thinks to herself. It all seems so unfair. There’s a lot that Mommy can do for both Bracha and Chaya. First, and most important, she must drop the responsibility. She must trust in both Bracha and Chaya. If still necessary, she can teach or explain or offer rewards or consequences. She can explore options in holistic or traditional intervention. But most significantly, she should trust, and relinquish control.

This applies even to a baby who’s crying. After the baby is fed, clean, comfy, rocked, etc., and the mother knows there’s nothing else the baby needs, then this is where the control/burden comes in. The mother can only offer her love and trust that her baby will quiet down.

Name Withheld

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 924)