“Girls who are mature, honest, and courageous enough to be in therapy can often be great assets to their seminaries”

There's a Reason We're Asking [To Be Honest / Issue 922]

As a therapy referrals coordinator and/or mechaneches in several seminaries, your article titled “Just Answer No” drew my attention. I agree that there is an issue here, but the article makes certain assumptions about the seminary world I wish to shed light on.

The reason this question is being asked on seminary application forms is to enable the seminaries to be most effective in our students’ chinuch. A student who needs therapeutic intervention will most likely struggle throughout her seminary year if her issues are shoved under the rug.

Seminary advisors and principals instantly lose our trust when we have to “spend half the year trying to crack the code of what this student needs to thrive.” If they want to earn and maintain our trust, they would be well advised to be honest.

I can understand the writer’s wish that seminaries clarify that they are not looking to weed out students who are in therapy. My suggestion to seminary advisors is that they discourage their students from lying. In doing so, they will be giving them the clearest message that seminaries are asking this so that they can offer students optimal help. Girls who are mature, honest, and courageous enough to be in therapy can often be great assets to their seminaries.

I’m privileged to work in several mainstream Bais Yaakov seminaries that view emotional and mental health as a cornerstone for successful chinuch. To the teacher who responded that, “Seminaries can’t imagine that the hashkafos and academics they seek can exist in a girl in therapy”: If this is the attitude you think seminaries have, then why would you send any student there in the first place?

Unfortunately, there are some very specific mental health issues that are just not compatible with seminary and dorm life. In these cases, however painful it is to turn a student away, we are doing a favor to those students by turning them down, as well as protecting the rest of the student body who will be affected.

Lying is a serious issue and it comes up in many different realms in seminary. Why should a student hand in her smartphone when she can easily sign the consent form with a guilt-free conscience because she has been taught in high school that it is okay to lie? Much work is needed to effectively address the phenomenon of dishonesty. It is sad to think that some of this dishonesty is coming from the chinuch that girls are getting in high school.

Let us work together for the benefit of our students, the future mothers of Klal Yisrael.

N.R.

After Acceptance [To Be Honest / Issue 922]

As a therapist for a while and teacher for close to four decades, I would like to put it very plainly: Why should any person write information about a personal life situation or health condition and give it to people who are not guaranteeing confidentiality, will probably use it against you, and may never have anything to do with you?

I understand completely that seminaries/yeshivos do not want to, nor should they be asked to, care for students who have mental health issues that will be exacerbated by being far from the support they need.

Several years ago, I wrote up a questionnaire for parents to work through with their child (boys go away, too, by the way) to help them make a clear-headed decision if seminary/yeshivah far from home is a good idea. I asked that schools distribute it, give it to guidance counselors, and that seminaries/yeshivos include this in their applications — and was completely and soundly rebuffed.

Many people of this age are just starting on the road to accepting, understanding, and managing their mental health issues, since the common age of onset of mental health issues is around 12th grade/seminary year. And most won’t answer whether they’ve been to therapy honestly since they have just discovered that a glass ceiling will get in the way of that year they have waited for, and that is so painful.

If a seminary is open to accepting and working with girls who understand and are managing their condition and are getting proper support, the girls will let them know and collaboration will be facilitated once they are accepted. Either way, no one will have to lie or put personal information on a form that will sit in an open stack in a secretary’s office.

Malkey Wallerstein, LCSW

Twin Success [A Different Kind of Sound / Issue 921]

Your article about the incredible developments in the field of technology and rehabilitation of children with hearing loss over the past 30 years took me way back. I’m the mother of twin daughters (age 34), Dana and Tamar, whose life experience spans the time period you describe in your article. They were diagnosed with profound hearing loss at the age of two, received their first cochlear implants at age three in 1993, and second implants at age 14. Their lives are a microcosm of the enormous changes in the field.

Hearing loss is like a dam stopping the flow of sound through the hearing canal. If that door is closed, then we must find a window to get to the areas of the brain responsible for hearing and learning language. For some, that window is the use of high-powered hearing aids and FM personalized amplification systems. Today, for most children with profound hearing loss, the cochlear implant is the window — and what a big window indeed!

Auditory-verbal therapy, in conjunction with the amazing technology available, allows children with hearing loss to reach normative speech and language and integrate fully into the hearing world. My girls are good examples of that even though they were born before the amazing technological revolution that we have experienced.

My girls were mainstreamed from their first educational framework throughout their high school years. One of the most moving memories for me is the sensitivity the kids in their class developed. I recall in fourth grade one of Tamar’s classmates stood up defiantly in class and said, “Tamar can’t hear in this noise! We must be quieter!”

My daughters went on to higher education, Tamar graduating with honors in visual communication, and Dana in photographic communication. Both girls continued on to a second degree and both are now working and contributing in their professions.

Returning to your article, I agree that these children, despite their amazing language skills, are at a deficit in the classroom. Yes, personalized FM system for the best signal to noise ratio. Yes, acoustic treatment of the classroom to lower the noise level. Yes, sensitivity to the needs of the child, be it placement in the classroom or speaking face forward to the students in the classroom. And of course, COMMON SENSE!

Elaine Matlow

Tal-El, Israel

I Know! [A Different Kind of Sound / Issue 921]

As a deaf woman fast approaching my fifties, I enjoyed your balanced article on cochlear implants from different eras. I’ve been wearing bilateral hearing aids for  profound hearing loss since the late 1970s. I’m constantly being told to get cochlear implants by random strangers as well as people in my community. There is no need for the entire world to tell me to get a cochlear implant and to assume I haven’t explored the idea. My disability is in my ears, not in my brain! My audiologists (and a neuro-otologist) many times over the years have echoed the sentiment that since my hearing aid performance is so optimal, baruch Hashem, there isn’t much of a benefit for me personally. I’d also like to add that while my ears might not fully work, I’m not broken. Baruch Hashem, life, bli ayin hara, is wonderful. Stop trying to fix me.

Fed Up with Having to Defend Myself

Sky’s the Limit [A Different Kind of Sound / Issue 921]

Your article did a great job raising awareness of hearing loss and rehabilitation via the cochlear implant (CI). However, the article failed to mention the importance of speech therapy, which coincides with hearing technology.

As therapists working with children with hearing impairment over the last 30 years using the auditory-verbal approach, we have been privileged to be part of a miraculous process that modern technology has provided. With early screening, accurate fitting of technology — CI/hearing aids (HA) — and AV therapy, a child with even a profound hearing loss can develop normal speech, language, and social skills, allowing for full integration.

The auditory-verbal approach facilitates speech and language development through the auditory channel, maximizing stimulation and language learning through the auditory brain. Modern technology in and of itself is not enough and must go hand in hand with quality auditory-verbal therapy.

A two-year-old boy with bilateral CIs was on the light rail with his mom when a curious passenger asked the mother, “What are those things on his ears?” The little boy, through all the noise, overheard this conversation and answered, “My headphones,” with great pride!

Another story: The new babysitter of a little one-and-a-half-year-old with one HA and one CI was astonished when the toddler started singing, “The Wheels on the Bus” in a sweet voice and  perfectly in tune. And the stories go on and on….

The graduates from our auditory-verbal clinics in Israel are getting younger and younger with our record being a bilingual child just three years old.

Today for an individual with hearing loss, the sky is the limit!

Miriam Cohen, Speech and Hearing Therapist AVT LSLS Cert
Yaffa Citron MA, Speech Therapist and Audiologist AVT

There’s So Much We Didn’t Know [Lifetakes / Issue 921]

To my dear sister Miriam,

Your article about how you didn’t realize how much our mother did for the family until you yourself became a mother struck deep. I’d like to let you know what else you and I didn’t know. We didn’t know what it means to try and fail, try and fail, and brush off the dirt and keep our head held high and shoulders tall. We saw our mother do this so many times. We didn’t know that life involves twisting yourself into pretzels to please everyone at the same time. We didn’t know how much patience is required to just sit and listen to our adorable little children and the stories they like to tell.

And to my mother: Ima, you always gave, and continue to give, your listening ear. I never feel like you rush me when I speak to you, though sometimes when my children speak to me, I count the seconds until they’re done so I can continue on the rat race of life.

Miriam, we didn’t understand why Ima always told us that sisters are best friends and to always be there for each other. Now that we’re adults we see how badly sisters need each other when the going gets tough or we just need someone that gets it. We never knew how much confidence Ima instilled in us from a young age by telling us that we can do it and that we are our own best advocates. My sister, there are so many things we don’t know and won’t know (maybe ever), but we’re lucky for the family we have and the bond that we all share.

May we continue to have open hearts to accept all there is to learn about what we don’t know.

Chana Bornstein

When the Tank Is Full [Inbox / Issue 920]

I’d like to respond to the letter writer who suggested that instead of parshah columnist Faigy Peritzman’s innovative idea of keeping a gratitude journal to herself, Faigy should keep a gratitude journal to Hashem.

There was an added layer to Mrs. Peritzman’s idea that I think the letter writer missed. As women, we wear so many hats and do so many things, most of which go unnoticed constantly by our families, friends, neighbors, etc. When a person is constantly giving and never receiving recognition, this leads to an empty tank.

In order to keep our very important positions of givers, we women need to validate and appreciate ourselves, patting ourselves on the back for all the little details that go unnoticed. When our tanks are full, it’s so much easier to then show gratitude to Hashem and appreciate all that He does.

Name Withheld

It Worked Magic [Know This / Issue 917]

Dear Hirsutism Sufferer,

First, let me tell you that I totally and completely get you. As one who wore scarves throughout winter (brrr…), spring (still got my cold from winter), and autumn (I get cold really quickly, must be my circulation), I know all about the complex ways adopted to hide those unsightly chin hairs.

Until age 27, I didn’t have PCOS. I was actually quite good-looking and had three kids. And then, after my third, whoopsie! Bang! It all changed. I got almost all the symptoms. I got a double chin, bulging stomach (I’d been slim until then), and acne. The chin hair was subtle at first. It was only after a course of laser that it went OUT OF CONTROL. I could literally capitalize those capitals and it still wouldn’t emphasize how bad it was.

Like you, I felt disgusted with myself every single day. I couldn’t wear makeup because it looked streaky over the hair. Laser made it worse (to every hirsutism sufferer: Please note, laser should never be done on hormonal facial hair, as it’ll only make it way worse. I found out the hard way). I perfected the art of the “thoughtful pose” — chin leaning on hand. I, too, loved the Covid masks, even though they fogged up my glasses and made me sweat. For once, I was like everyone!

By now, you’ll have copped on to the fact that I’m using past tense. So what changed?

I tried changing my diet, hormone meds (each with side effects and risks), plus employed a variety of quacks who are probably sunning themselves in Florida with the money I paid chasing after promises that never came to fruition. Going very low-carb (and I mean VERY low-carb) helped, but not enough to justify the hardship, and I was still struggling. Because I’m dark like you, the hairs would show through the skin even before growing, so I couldn’t even pluck them out yet, and there they were, eager to be seen in full glory. Hi! Yeah, so I am actually female from birth, but I’m growing this lovely beard in my spare time…What are your hobbies?

Nine months ago, a very dear friend (Chani, I will love you forever for this. Oh, and everything else, of course) told me about spironolactone. It’s not actually marketed for PCOS. Google it and you will get the following: Spironolactone is a diuretic that treats high blood pressure and heart failure. It can also reduce swelling related to heart, kidney, or liver disease.

However, what doctors have discovered is it works wonders for hirsutism.

I started taking it daily. There are no side effects, no danger (unlike the hormone meds I’d previously taken that had all kinds of risks) and… no instant fix. It took three months to see any difference, but after that, wow! As the weeks went by, I reached four, five, and then the magic six months, at which point the real difference happened).

I can honestly say this was a huge game changer for me. I hope it can be for you, too.

Even if you do nothing else, you will hopefully be thrilled with the results. But if you add electrolysis (not laser) to attack the enemy when their numbers are down and their fortresses weakened, then you can finally tell your chin what I told the very bottom of my laundry basket just before the Nine Days: long time, no see. (Yeah, I speak to inanimate objects sometimes in addition to the beard. You?)

Please, please, I’m begging you as someone who’s been there, done that, avoided society for years… do it for yourself. And even if it doesn’t work, at least you tried.

I’m davening and rooting for you.

Someone Who Knows Exactly How It Feels to Feel Sick in Your Own Skin

Heroes in Our Midst [One More Dawn / Issue 920]

I was touched by the recent article, "One More Dawn," by Rivka Streicher. The story of the heroic Widenbaum couple rang a bell in my head. A close relative of mine a”h, who was born with a genetic disease, often sought refuge in the Widenbaum home. Dr. Widenbaum would treat him free of charge and relieve his many ailments. The Widenbaums welcomed him into their home for extended stays and were so warm to this sick, desperate, and lonely person, making his journey that much easier.

Thank you for featuring heroes in our midst.

May Hashem grant Mrs. Widenbaum much strength and brachah for years to come.

A Relative

Let’s Collaborate [Is Yente the Matchmaker No Longer Enough? / Issue 915]

As a certified life and dating coach I wanted to add to the discussion about whether a dating coach is necessary. First, it’s worth noting that some shadchanim may feel threatened by the involvement of a dating coach, believing they should be the sole guide for their clients. However, a shadchan’s and a dating coach’s role in shidduchim should always be about supporting singles in whatever way they need. When shadchanim and dating coaches collaborate, we can provide singles with the best possible foundation for a healthy, fulfilling marriage.

I’ve received referrals from shadchanim themselves, especially when a single feels overwhelmed or uncertain about whether to move forward with a shidduch, and the shadchan has exhausted their tools. We can’t be everything to everyone all the time. Collaboration is key, and it aligns beautifully with the lesson Yisro taught Moshe Rabbeinu: that leadership often requires delegating and recognizing the value others bring to the table. Just as parents sometimes seek outside experts when their child faces challenges they can’t address alone, shadchanim can benefit from working with dating coaches who offer specialized support.

In my experience, singles often hesitate to disclose personal issues to their shadchan, whether due to embarrassment or the perception that the shadchan is too busy to invest the necessary time. For instance, some singles may feel unequipped to assess whether someone would make a good spouse, particularly if they grew up without healthy relationship models. A dating coach provides a safe, dedicated space for individuals to work through their doubts and feelings without fear of judgment, their privacy being breached, or time constraints.

A competent dating coach also helps singles develop essential relationship skills and paves the way for a meaningful marriage. This might include teaching how to validate a partner’s feelings, show sensitivity, develop and respect healthy boundaries, or recognize the importance of stability — ensuring that a potential spouse demonstrates reliability and consistency through both actions and words. These lessons can profoundly shape how singles approach marriage and set the stage for a strong, enduring relationship.

Mrs. Lipson’s comparison of dating coaches to party planners doesn’t capture the gravity of what’s at stake. While party planners organize a one-time event, the impact of shidduchim is infinite. A marriage not only shapes the lives of the spouses, but also creates the foundation for future generations. The ripple effects of a strong, healthy marriage — or, conversely, a struggling one — extend far beyond the couple themselves, influencing children, families, and communities.

Rachel Trilokekar

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 923)