“You see, MIL has so much to offer. And while Son and DIL don’t seem to want/appreciate it, others do”

A Nuanced Portrayal [A Different Kind of Sound / Issue 921]

As a person with hearing loss, it was gratifying to read “A Different Kind of Sound,” about women struggling with this. Too often mainstream frum media articles on medical conditions, including hearing loss, lack nuance or comprehensiveness. Typically, it’s obvious to those living with the condition that the author had no prior significant knowledge on the condition and sought to compile the piece with limited meaningful sources.

By contrast, the perspectives of the various individuals and professionals interviewed and synthesized into this article allowed for an accurate portrayal of hearing loss and its impact. The explanation of the science behind hearing loss and cochlear implants was factual yet written in an easy-to-understand manner. Thank you, Shoshana Gross, for taking the time to be comprehensive and discriminating in your knowledge-gathering.

Chaya Rotenberg

A Middos Genius [OUr Woman in the Lab / Issue 921]

I was delighted to read the interesting article about my former classmate’s mother, Dr. Judith Leff a”h. Growing up with Chana Leff, I always knew she and her family were exceptionally smart kein ayin hara, though I really didn’t know much about her parents’ vocations. What I did know about Chana, and remember to this day, was her “geonus” in middos. Chana was everyone’s friend, never part of a clique, and always stayed out of class politics. She added so much to our class discussions and activities, yet had no problem abstaining from joining our childish pranks when she knew something wasn’t right. Reading about Chana’s exceptional mother a”h, I understand from where these wonderful qualities derived!

Wishing her much hatzlachah, nachas, and gezunt, till 120!

Malka (Lipschutz) Kempler

Speak to Chava First [Second Guessing / Issue 920]

A principal’s job is not an easy one, so Rivka, I commend you for doing your best under the circumstances and not giving a teacher, Chava, who you thought wasn’t suitable for the position, the role she coveted.

Given your experience, your “intuition” is a real thing. However, there is a place for giving a teacher a chance, and especiall keeping the teachers in the school happy, by giving them opportunities to grow.

In the case of Chava, your intuition was valid. It sounds like she really might not be cut out for such a huge responsibility to be a Chumash teacher with everything going on in her life.

The least you could have done though was show her you were taking her seriously by sitting in on a few of her Chumash model lessons, asking other teachers who work alongside her what they think (not just taking one person’s opinion), perhaps even having a meeting with her co-teachers.

At the end of all that, if you still feel it’s not the right fit, talk to her about fitting her in elsewhere for a growth opportunity. Either way, once you put the call out for a new teacher, the right thing to do would have been to speak to Chava first instead of her finding out you’re not hiring her for the position on her own.

Anonymous

A Mother-in-Law’s Perspective [Words Unspoken / Issue 920]

Dear Daughter-in-Law,

I read your letter with tears in my eyes. You are clearly so hurt and desire your mother-in-law’s love.

You say that “I’m really not the best daughter-in-law. We went through a time when bringing the little ones over... was more of a burden than a help. We… can’t always drop everything to make the half-hour drive to your place. We don’t call enough, and we don’t come enough… and I know that maybe, if we had cultivated a stronger relationship early on, the spare bedroom would still be ours….”

Let me tell you the story of another mother-in-law.

This mother-in-law is a good woman. She loves all of her children and devoted her life to them. She happily welcomed her son’s wife like one of her own children. She made sure to have her DIL’s favorite foods whenever they came for Shabbos (even though DIL didn’t always eat them); she always sent cheery Erev Shabbos messages to them (even if they didn’t call). She tried her best to never ever give advice, but yet to still have a meaningful relationship with them. She tells her friends how lucky she is to have such a DIL. She bought DIL gifts and always took her daughter-in-law to sales (and paid). She tried her best to help when the baby came, without overstepping. Did she make some mistakes? Of course, everyone does. But she loves her son and DIL and grandchildren and let them know it.

And then they stopped coming. And calling. And sending pictures.

At first, Guilt came to visit. MIL thought she must have done something really wrong. So she racked and racked her brain to figure it out. But she couldn’t find anything that would have pushed them away to such a degree!

Then Hurt & Anger came to visit. She worked so hard to establish a good relationship with her son and his family; why are they punishing her like this?! If she did something wrong, then let’s talk about it! But she’s not going to ask her son, because she would never put him between his wife and his mother. And how can she have this conversation with DIL without hurting her and ruining the relationship?

And under all of that, Worry showed up. Maybe something is really wrong. PPD? Something else? What’s going on? Whenever she did speak to her son and say, “Is everything okay? I haven’t really seen you guys or spoken to DIL,” the response is always an airy, “No, everything’s fine.” With no clue and no way forward, she doesn’t know how to help even if she could! And so Guilt and Hurt & Anger and Worry take up permanent places in her heart, each one vying for attention at different times. But never leaving.

So MIL has tears on her pillow and a hole in her heart. Her precious son (you can relate, you have children, baruch Hashem) and his family have rejected her.

So she finds a way to fill the hole.

Not with shopping. Not with travel or “lunch with my friends.”

With chesed.

You see, MIL has so much to offer. And while Son and DIL don’t seem to want/appreciate it, others do. So why sit around crying for what isn’t, when you can move on with what is? And both sides benefit — the recipients of the chesed, and MIL, who feels fulfilled and that she is using her kochos productively. (You see, wanting to be productive doesn’t go away when you get older.)

And then, lo and behold, DIL wants to come back!

And she sees the spare bedroom and says, “That’s mine!”

And she wants time for a visit and says, “That’s mine!”

And she wants the delicious cooked food and says, “That’s mine!”

Well, maybe it was. But maybe you forfeited it. MILs are people, too. She stuffed up the hole with other projects. Yes, you were and are her first choice. But maybe she’s afraid to let you in too close, afraid that she’ll be left with that hole again.

My advice? Start slow and steady. Take ownership for your part in the relationship. And maybe you will be able to repair it.

Another Mother-in-Law

A Role Model for Many [Lifetakes / Issue 919]

Thank you, Barbara Bensoussan, for your thought-provoking, good read, “Adolescence in Reverse” about the dignity in embracing aging. In a world where so many are pursuing the Fountain of Youth, your article was right on the mark. I was very touched and proud how you cited my mother, Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis a”h, as a woman to learn from, who always dressed appropriately, and never lost her spirit and drive, no matter the age.

It’s eight years since my mother was nifteres. Yet wherever I go, I’m approached by people wanting to convey to me the impact my mother had upon their life. Just recently, when I was introduced at a wedding as Rebbetzin Jungreis’s daughter, a middle-aged woman said that she must share a personal reflection. As a young Bais Yaakov teacher, she attended one of my mother’s lectures. Besides gleaning from her Torah wisdom, she saw the Rebbetzin as someone who was polished and very much put together. She learned then how one can be both tzniyusdig and well-dressed, and how important it is to stand in front of her class portraying an example in that manner.

My mother had the zechus to convey Torah lessons and be a role model for so many — at every age. May her life lessons continue to be an inspiration and example for girls and women of all ages to emulate.

Chaya Sora Jungreis-Gertzulin

Public Service [Know This / Issue 917]

I have struggled with hirsutism because of my PCOS for many years. In my experience, tweezing and electrolysis was just a temporary relief. I was constantly feeling my chin/neck/face for signs of growth and never went anywhere without tweezers. I used to spend at least 20 minutes at a close-up mirror every night. I eventually booked electrolysis appointments on a biweekly/weekly basis.

Finally, baruch Hashem, I found a laser center that treated facial areas, and the difference was beyond incredible. Immediately! I use the Candela Pro on a high setting. The effects lasted for a solid four weeks, then six weeks, and by now, I book appointments every two and a half months, Not only that, the hair that does grow back is finer and not as aggressive.

I encourage those who struggle with this to find a laser technician who is willing to treat their face, chin, and neck. I found that if they recommend not to, but you tell them you know the risks of more hair growing back and are willing to take a chance, they will do it for you.

Hope this helps.

Name Withheld

Affordable Dental Work [The Doctor Will See you in Bangkok / Issue 916]

Regarding your article on medical tourism, specifically for dental work, your readership who might be considering traveling to other countries for dental treatment due to the high cost and poor insurance coverage should be aware that dental schools offer top-quality treatment at greatly reduced costs in their clinics. Specialty work is performed by fully qualified dentists who are pursuing a fellowship in specialties such as oral surgery, endodontics, orthodontics, or prosthodontics, and supervised by highly experienced professors. In the Tristate area there are top-rated dental schools such as NYU, Stony Brook, and Rutgers, whose clinics provide top-rate care at affordable prices with proper follow-up and accountability. Hope this is helpful to people.

Y.N.

Lawrence, NY

A Bit of Respect [Family Living / Issue 916]

In the Dinner Diaries article describing her weekly menu plan, a mother said, “I was feeling generous,” and so found an alternative meal for her four-year-old who declared, “I hate schnitzel.” I don’t think the mother was being generous; she was allowing her son to be selfish and thoughtless. He’s only four. Nevertheless, this would have been a perfect moment to instill some chinuch. She could have said, “I know you prefer not to have schnitzel, but let’s try and say it nicely” or, “Ima has already made schnitzel for the family and it makes Ima sad when you talk about her food like that.”

S.G.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 922)