I wondered if this was just the world I was in or if this was a wider issue. I put out a call to dozens of 12th-grade mechanchos in a range of schools across the US so I could see if this type of response was coming from one type of sector or neighborhood. I spoke to people working in schools ranging from Modern Orthodox to chassidish to yeshivish, Lubavitch, or Sephardic.

None would go on the record. “I’ll lose the trust of the seminaries for the advice I have to give my students,” was the line I kept hearing. But off-the-record, here’s what I learned:

One mechaneches told me that she advises seminary applicants not to reveal they’re in therapy, “unless they’re going to a specific two or three seminaries that are okay with it.”

Another teacher took a slightly different approach. “I tell my students they can say they went to therapy, but only if the explanation they give in the follow-up questions is something very obvious or benign. Loss, divorce, an accident… those all make sense to seminaries and pass for no big deal. If a girl says she’s in therapy for anxiety or depression or OCD, on the other hand, the seminary may feel it’s above their pay grade. So those are the ones I advise to just say no.”

I move on to the next teacher. “The reality is that the typical academic seminaries are looking for a certain type,” she tells me. “They can’t imagine that the hashkafos and academics they seek can exist in a girl in therapy.”

One of the teachers I spoke with told me she understands the seminaries. “They’re overwhelmed with caring for so many girls 24/7 for months on end,” she says.
“They’re looking to have the most low-maintenance girls possible. Because they always will have challenges.”

Is this really the goal? And are seminaries really hesitant to accept girls who’ve been in therapy? I asked some seminary teachers I know for their thoughts.

“Honestly, it depends on the seminary,” said one teacher who teaches in mostly academic, yeshivish seminaries. “For many it is true, but others are getting better about it.”

A teacher who teaches in seminaries across the spectrum said she’s found that in the Modern Orthodox world, girls in therapy are accepted more easily than in the right-wing seminaries, but she’s seeing a shift of girls who write no, but whom the seminary principals suspect need therapy. Sometimes, she says, the principals will accept these girls on condition they have a therapist set up before getting to Israel — and the girls are often relieved.

So what’s the point of asking this at all? If girls are told to answer no, no matter what, how does this even help?

“The seminaries know that some girls won’t answer honestly, but they won’t remove it from the form,” says one seminary teacher. “But just like they need to ask about technology or other policies, and they know that some will and some won’t be honest, this is the same thing.”

On the other hand, one teacher in a Chabad seminary says that she does see a rise in girls saying they’ve been to therapy. “But that’s mostly for things in the past. There are still just a few who admit they are currently in therapy. They’ve worked so hard in therapy to get to the place that they can do well enough in a dorm setting. They don’t want to risk losing that opportunity and yes, they may lose it.”

There are so many things I want to say here. Why are we delegitimizing something we’ve worked so hard to destigmatize? Why are we creating a culture that tells girls that their treatable condition should go untreated? These girls can do so well and grow like any other girl during her seminary year. What message are we sending them? You’re too much? You’re better off if you stop therapy or meds and simply suffer?

And why are we encouraging girls to lie, when it won’t help anyone achieve their goals? Seminaries are still going to get girls who need therapies, but now they’re getting these girls without treatment, which creates chaos, instead of getting wonderful girls who are intuitive and deep and manage their struggles attentively.

I’m not implying that all seminaries ask this question, or that all schools give this advice. One mechaneches told me that she encourages her students to be honest and respond to the questions asked. “They don’t need to provide details that aren’t relevant unless they go to the school, there’s time for that later,” she says. “But I do wish seminaries would signal that they aren’t looking to ‘catch’ people in therapy. That they just would rather be aware of the situation in advance, instead of spending half the year trying to crack the code of what this student needs to thrive.”

There are many schools that have healthier, more balanced approaches — and there are many seminaries that do not ask this question, or that are careful to ask for only relevant information in a respectful way.

But this is happening too often to say it’s not a problem.

And I have a problem.

My primary concern is that we’re corroding our middas ha’emes. Untruths are being encouraged for the “greater good.” These girls are being told by those within their circle of chinuch to be dishonest so that they can win the end game: getting into the right seminary. Doesn’t this undo so much of the chinuch work that we put into our girls all these years?

Don’t cheat even if it gets you a better mark.

Don’t lie even if it gets you out of trouble.

Oh, but tell a lie if it means getting into seminary.

If this is where it begins, where does it end?

Then there’s the added challenge to mental health:

Going to therapy requires a healthy dose of humility. It takes the hard work of facing yourself and your flaws with an honesty that breeds growth.

There’s a reason many parents struggle to get a child to agree to go to therapy. How many teens can say: I’m not perfect?

And then there’s the shame factor: I’m flawed. I’m less than. Nobody else struggles with this. All these messages are often what hold back teens (and adults) from seeking help when needed. Instead, they’ll allow the trouble to spiral to the point where it can get worse or even life-threatening.

As a community, we’ve tried to normalize therapy so that it’s not those who are “less than” who get the help, but those who are wise and recognize how far prevention can go. We’ve created referral agencies, funding, evenings of awareness, ad campaigns… because as a community, we recognize the huge ramifications of making help something to avoid.

But when our chinuch institutions ask girls, “Have you been to therapy?” and then reject applicants for positive responses; when we turn away girls for sharing how they’ve learned to manage their dark thoughts, we’re sending a message to the community: Go back to shoving things under the carpet. Avoid help at all costs.

We’re barely crawling out of that era. Let’s not go back.

Sarah Rivkah Kohn is the founder and director of Links Family, an organization servicing children and teens who lost a parent.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 922)