If you’d have asked me then if I was happy, I would have said yes. I certainly didn’t think I was missing anything

“Mimi, you’re still gonna come put me to sleep when Mommy comes home, aren’t you?”

No, Malky, I won’t. You’ll all but forget about me, but I will be left with a hole in my heart where you used to be. If I happen to pass this house, I’ll wonder if I dreamed these days I was on the inside.

Of course, I don’t say that. I just let out a sigh, the depth of which, I hope, is lost on little Malky.

“Malky, sweetie, when your parents come home, your Mommy is going to put you to sleep.”

“But Mommy doesn’t stay until I fall asleep. And sometimes she doesn’t even have time to read a story. She says Shema and leaves.”

Ah, if only I could find a way to explain to a six-year-old how easy it is to be a perfect Mommy for two weeks at a time. Maybe if this was four years ago, when I’d had my accidental start at nannying, I would’ve been flattered by the favorable ways Malky compares me to her mother. Maybe I’d even assure her that I would stop in to do bedtime every once in a while. Now I know better. When Malky’s parents return and my path takes me past the two-story brick with the wide front lawn, I’ll know how absurd knocking on the door would be, how out of place I would be now that her mother was there to do the things I’d done so naturally just a few days before.

Four years ago, I was a divorced, part-time librarian who did story time at the library every morning, reading to the children in the small room with the old green rug. I was just far enough along in my Jewish observance to be feeling natural about it, and I was often invited for meals at the young frum families in the neighborhood. I’d tell them about my job, and how I made sure the stories I read were appropriate for everyone. It worked, because many women who wouldn’t normally bring their kids to the public library would show up for story hour because I was reading.

If you’d have asked me then if I was happy, I would have said yes. I certainly didn’t think I was missing anything. I was thrilled to have discovered Torah. I enjoyed the library. I loved my own grown children, Josh and Ashley. It never occurred to me how much more there could be to life.