“Thank you, Mrs. Brandman, for opening up your emotions and modeling coping with the past and confronting the present”

A Remarkable Window [Finding Hope on the Other Side / Issue 917]

Elisheva Lock’s masterful piece on Mrs. Bronia Brandman is so much more than a story of fortitude, faith, and strength in the past and present. It’s a remarkable window into the experience, mind, and heart of an honest woman who speaks directly about her crises, her trauma, and her coping skills.

Mrs. Brandman has been a very active agent in her own healing from trauma (even if it’s not complete), her own management of guilt (even if it took 60 years), and in advocacy (despite the negativity and anti-Semitism she sees today). She took action to acquire an education, and to improve her inner self. She continues to take action and opens up about mistakes she made along the journey.

Positivity, one of her tools, colors the account from start to finish, with gratefulness for the seven times she was saved during the war as well as the support from her remaining family during the postwar years. Despite the fact that the trauma never goes away, her initiative and effort is a shining example of the work of resilience. This is real living.

Resilience isn’t about bouncing back; it’s about processing the “choiceless choices,” and choosing to be positive while confronting the negative. Thank you, Mrs. Brandman, for opening up your emotions and modeling coping with the past and confronting the present.

This is a message that is so compelling, especially for those who have suffered clinical trauma. For them, unvarnished tales of post-Holocaust surviving and thriving like Mrs. Brandman have particular resonance.

May we all have access to inspirational models who share their failures and victories, whether or not we have trauma in our personal histories.

Name Withheld

Fair Doesn’t Mean Equal [A Better You / Issue 917]

I’m writing regarding the article titled “Is It Fair?” which asked, “Are we doing our kids a favor by trying to make things fair?”

A concept I’ve been telling my children for years is, “Fair doesn’t mean equal.” Let me explain.

No one ever disputes that babies need naps, yet elementary school kids don’t have nap time in fifth grade. So clearly that’s “unfair.” I found myself often explaining that each child gets what he/she needs. However, I always added, “If there’s something you feel that you need, not just because your sibling got it, then please tell me and I’ll think about it and decide if you need it, too.”

This applies when a child gets a drink poured for him and it’s not at the exact same level as his sister’s…. This applies when the bag of potato chips he just opened has fewer chips in it…. If the child who has less soda wants more, I’ll say, “Fair doesn’t mean equal, but when you finish that cup and you want more, come to me, and I’ll give you more….”

As time went on, I noticed the effect this had was very satisfying. The child looked at what he/she received or wanted, and was satisfied based on his own needs, as opposed to what someone else got. In addition, I find that applying this idea makes kids happier for each other. It reduces anxiety, because a child thinks to himself, “If I need it, I’ll get it.”

One very important thing I feel must be mentioned is that this concept doesn’t apply in every situation. For example, when it comes to gifts or money to our children. Everyone gets a Chanukah gift. If I give money to my married kids to help with Yom Tov expenses, everyone gets the same amount, regardless if one child has more income, more children, etc. They decide how to use it.

As with all parenting ideas, you as the parent need to decide when the concepts apply and don’t apply. I hope these ideas will help all of us raise our children to be happy, healthy, and well-balanced children, young adults, and one day, parents.

Faige Kramer

Baltimore, MD

An Opportunity [Words Unspoken / Issue 917]

The letter to a zeidy from his granddaughter who is struggling to pay the mortgage for the house he bought her struck a chord. To the writer, I hear the pain of no longer being able to afford the lifestyle you were always accustomed to and having to pretend that you can, while feeling ashamed that you can’t. I hear that your zeidy enabled you and your parents to live a lifestyle you really couldn’t afford on your own, and I wonder what his motivation was. Could a part of it have been self-serving — that your wealthy and well- known zeidy needed your family to “look” a certain way, and that now when you legitimately need financial assistance, you’re too ashamed to ask?

Perhaps your anger isn’t only that your zeidy set you up for failure, but that he used you... that you never had a chance to be the true you because you had to be zeidy’s granddaughter?

I understand how embarrassed you feel, but perhaps the slowing down of your zeidy’s gifts is an opportunity for you to discover who you really are and who you really want to be.

Name Withheld

Validated [Know This / Issue 917]

Thank you for the Know This article on hirsutism. Just whoa. That was the most validating article I’ve ever read. I was able to truly understand the pain and shame that the writer was going through. Every line, every example, resonated so much with me. It’s such a humiliating and degrading condition. Just know you’re really not the only one out there! I know no one talks about it, but there are so many people out there like us. Sending love,

A Fellow Beautiful Warrior

You’re Not Alone [Know This / Issue 917]

Dear Fellow Member of the Tribe,

I feel you all the way. All the hardships you described about what you’re suffering with hirsutism — I’m there now and been there worse before. Third day of a three-day Yom Tov! I just want to stay inside and not see a soul because of the embarrassment and shame. And the trying again and again, and the hair just keeps coming back. A losing battle. Yet it’s your face that everyone sees. You can’t hide it. It’s a nisayon like no other. In some ways, it affects our self-esteem.

Women with PCOS can’t just walk out feeling confident. We have to pluck our overgrown eyebrows first, then cover up the acne, then check the rest of our face before carefully selecting the most slimming outfit possible. Then off we go trying to appear confident while sucking our stomach in.

My greatest tefillah through all this challenge is that Hashem grants us confidence, despite all the symptoms and setbacks.

Please, the next time you notice something on our face, don’t show that you do, just give us a smile because that’s what we need most. Less judgment, more warmth and kindness.

Sending my smile to you, dear fellow member. You’re not alone.

Someone Else with Hirsutism

Try Other Therapies [Real Life / Issue 917]

Thank you for publishing a personal story about a woman who persevered through OCD, or what seemed to me to be rumination OCD (overthinking, analyzing, and seeking reassurance for everything). I also had it, after birth, coupled by anxiety and depression, and still battle it when going through transitions. I’m so happy for her that the medication seemed to really help and, for the most part, put it behind her. It was unclear from the story if the exposure therapy helped or not. It seemed like it actually caused problems (she described facing the thoughts as “living in a nightmare” and that she burned pots because her therapist wouldn’t allow her to double-check things). I know that for me it was pure torture, and I set out to try other things. I realized that a lot of my symptoms were rooted in trauma, complex trauma, and childhood emotional neglect, and that many trauma therapies were much more helpful and provided a gentle, soothing, and more connected way to heal. IFS, EMDR, hypnosis, somatic work, therapeutic art and writing, and emotion code are incredible, and as a bonus you really learn how to validate, reassure, and understand yourself so you don’t need to be searching for it outside.

She was so brave to enter the battlefield and work with what is standard, but I just want readers to know that there are other, more gentle methods (at least, from my experience).

Name Withheld

Existential OCD [Real Life / Issue 917]

I was pleased to see your portrayal of the complex and distressing phenomenon that is obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

OCD is categorized by persistent intrusive thoughts (obsessions), and accompanying behaviors aiming to reduce the distress associated with these thoughts (compulsions). While we all have intrusive thoughts sometimes, the OCD sufferer will experience these more often, more vividly, and have more distressing reactions to them.

The protagonist in this story seems to be exhibiting symptoms of a sub-type of OCD we might refer to as “existential OCD” — that is, much of her intrusive thoughts are philosophical in nature, relating to meaning, purpose, and reality. OCD of this type can be difficult to distinguish, especially for those of us who are generally philosophical and deep-thinking by nature. I’d suggest one crucial difference would be the amount of distress associated with this type of thinking, as those with OCD will generally experience pervasive distress, often finding little (or short-lived) relief in seeking advice from rabbanim, teachers, or mentors.

This brings me on to another point, which is the theme of “identity” interweaved into this story. All of us can struggle to feel a sense of “identity,” particularly teenagers and young people striving to find their place in the world and in society. However, for sufferers of OCD, the theme of identity is but one of the many clever ways her OCD manages to engulf her in fear: “I want reassurance that I know who I am. I want reassurance that I really am frum.”

This also pointed to a lesser-known phenomenon of OCD, that of “transformation OCD,” in which the sufferer has genuine fears of “turning into someone else” or acquiring unwanted characteristics. These are more abstract presentations of OCD, which can sometimes be overlooked since they don’t show the more “obvious” OCD-type symptoms.

The story ended with the words “Am I me? No idea. Maybe I’m not,” which made me smile as you can clearly see the growth the protagonist has made through a combination of expertly guided therapy and medical treatments. She’s come to a place where although the intrusions still persist (“Am I me?”), she’s able to now recognize (“No idea”) and tolerate (“Maybe I’m not!”) the uncertainty, leading to a richer and more confident life.

I hope this story gives hope to all OCD sufferers, that you can conquer and build a life out of this challenge.

Aimee Sandler BSc (Hons), PgCert, PgDip

London, UK

It’s Caused by Nerves [Real Life / Issue 917]

The women in the article mentioned that she had questions about if there is a G-d or not. I once told Rav Dovid Schustal from Lakewood that I had doubts if there is a G-d.

Rav Dovid responded that for the most part these days questions in emunah are usually from nerves — keep learning and they will go away. I followed his advice and completely forgot about it, and I only remembered my question when I ran into him again a few years later.

Name Withheld

The Reason for Vitamin K [Inbox / Issue 917]

Dear Mother Trying to Find Health,

Reading your letter about how you’re very skeptical about the safety of the vitamin K shot routinely given to newborns, but have no one to ask because doctors don’t want to be questioned, had me nodding my head. You’re right that it’s hard to find a doctor who can truthfully answer your questions. It was this frustration that caused me to do my own research, to tease out the truth from all the confusion, fear tactics, and quackery that abounds. You definitely sound like you have been trying to research and not finding success.

First, a resource I’ve found to be mostly balanced in perinatal health is Evidence Based Birth. In general, the Cochrane Review is a great source for understanding medical studies and what they really mean.

Since you brought up the question of vitamin K to newborn babies, I want to just shed some light on that topic. I’m not sure where you got your information from, but the reason for the shot is not what you thought!

The vitamin K shot is meant to help prevent something called a “late bleed” or internal bleeding (at between one week to six months of age) in the brain or stomachs of babies who don’t have enough vitamin K. Minimal amounts of vitamin K can be found in cord blood and breast milk, so babies will only have the vitamin K stores they received in utero. Babies will only get vitamin K in significant amounts once they can eat solid foods that have vitamin K (bananas, avocado, cucumbers, grapes, broccoli, leafy greens). If the baby is drinking formula, then they often don’t have this problem because most formulas are fortified with vitamin K.

Babies with no vitamin K (or who have used up their small supply), can chas v’shalom begin bleeding internally without any cause. Usually, by the time this bleed is discovered, there are permanent repercussions to the baby’s health. As we can’t know which babies are the four to seven babies in every 100,000 who will have a late bleed, all babies are given the shot after birth. This shot has been given to all newborns in the US since 1961. Since then, the number of late bleeds among newborns given the vitamin K shot is less than 1 in 200,000.

Since the 1960s there have been no reports regarding side effects from the shot other than bruising and pain at the injection site. Since vitamin K is stored in the body and released as needed, the shot doesn’t “thicken” the baby’s blood. The amount of vitamin K in the shot is usually enough to last until the baby can eat foods high in vitamin K. Oral vitamin K is comparatively similar (though slightly less effective) to the shot in reducing the risk of late bleeds, but isn’t available in the US.

Delayed cord clamping has no bearing on vitamin K levels, but rather the iron/hemoglobin levels. That is another lesson, perhaps for next time.

Henny Birnbaum

Lamaze with Henny

Give Laura Doyle Another Shot [Inbox / Issue 917]

In response to the letter-writer who wrote that her husband “gifted” her own hard-earned money to his parents when she told him about the money after having made “the mistake of reading Laura Doyle’s The Surrendered Wife:” Your mistake wasn’t reading The Surrendered Wife. It also wasn’t telling your husband about the account, because he absolutely should be aware of such a large amount of money in your possession. In fact, the mistake wasn’t yours at all!

With all due respect to your husband, it was his mistake to misuse the trust you placed in him by telling him about the money. As you stated, the money was hard-earned by you, and even if it wasn’t only your earnings, he certainly shouldn’t have made such a costly and, most likely, unnecessary decision without consulting with you, his wife.

Your claim that reading Laura Doyle’s The Surrendered Wife was a mistake is another topic that could (should?) be addressed. It’s true that Laura Doyle isn’t Jewish, but her principles can be found in many of our Torah sources.

I sincerely hope that you forgive yourself for a mistake that was not yours in the first place, and maybe even decide to give Laura Doyle another shot. Her updated book, The Empowered Wife, is worth every penny.

Name Withheld

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 919)