We say that we have sinned before You. When we know and feel that we’re before Hashem then we recognize our sins. But if we don’t know and feel that we’re before Him then only one sin exists: that we’ve fled from the Holy One blessed is He. Like a soldier in uniform who’s missing a button has dusty shoes etc. — he’s punished for each infraction. But if he … flees from the army no infractions are found for him but rather the great crime of … shrugging off the yoke of his sovereign.

So it is with the person before the King of kings. If he … feels that he’s standing before Him and accepts the yoke of the Sovereignty of Heaven then there’s room to enumerate transgressions. But if he shrugs off that yoke and flees … transgressions aren’t enumerated. Then he has the sin of shrugging off the yoke of his King. (Darchei Mussar — Rav Yaakov Neiman)

The soldier is reproved for his dusty shoes missing button talking too much. Eyes downcast he accepts his punishment and promises to improve.

But his fellow soldier is never reprimanded not for a stain on his uniform nor for disobeying orders. Because he leaped over the fence and disappeared. A deserter traitor who rebelled against the king. The day will come when he will be brought to justice for the worst crime of all — desertion.

With this we can understand what Rabbeinu Nissim Gaon says in his Vidui: “Ribono shel Olam if I started to list my sins time would run out.” Because he stood always before Hashem he had countless sins. We don’t feel our sins because we don’t feel ourselves standing before Him. And the main teshuvah is first of all to return and stand before Him.… After that we’ll recognize … and repent of the sins. (ibid.)

The King is coming to inspect his troops to review the infractions of the past year. Fear is in the air. The trumpets sound. The King arrives.

The troops? How earnestly they’re praying for their lives. The shuls are full. The soldiers of Hashem’s army are scrutinizing their deeds. Their entreaties ascend to the Throne of Glory: “Forgive us accept our prayers with mercy.”

The King spreads a cover of mercy on the cosmos. Even imperfect repentance is accepted a strong desire to regret an undertaking to truly improve — all ascend and burst through the Gates of Heaven.

But where are the deserters? How can they be part of the King’s mercy? How can they be sealed for a good year and their sins atoned if they’re not here?

They’re not here. Their hearts aren’t opened to the King; their souls are many hundreds of miles from His Throne. There’s not one penetrating thought of regret however small. Not the slightest trembling seizes them. They’ve fled. They’re not crying with downcast eyes. They feel none of the fear. They’re not grasping for mercy for compassion.

With this it’s possible to understand what our Sages ztz”l say that teshuvah was created before the world was created.… What teshuvah can there be before the sin? But according to what we’ve said the essence of teshuvah is first of all to draw near to Hashem and to stand before Him. As soon as man is created he’s far from the Holy One.... Man has to toil greatly so that the soul will shine from amid the … body and will draw near to the Holy One … to such an extent that the coarse body which is dust of the earth will see the Shechinah. (ibid.)

How does one return in repentance?

By returning. Simply returning.

Behold I stand before You my deeds like missing buttons my character traits dusty full of idle chatter tardiness disobedience spiritual weapons sometimes forgotten and battles prematurely surrendered to the enemy.

But I’m here. I’ve returned to You! If there are those who are out shopping for the holiday running away from the true meaning of Yom Kippur — I’m not among them. I’m standing here with a plea for forgiveness with a strong burning desire to be better to come nearer. I entreat You though my teshuvah is imperfect accept me back. I’m Your daughter and I always want to be near to You.

And with this it’s possible to explain the words of the prophet “Return Israel up to Hashem.” And later it says “And return unto Hashem.” The meaning is that before teshuvah let him approach and draw near up to Hashem that he stand before Him and after that let them return unto Hashem — to repent of the sins. (ibid.)

The great King stretches forth His merciful Hand to the soldiers who want to return.

Including me.

I’ve returned.