“Adam and Chava were the happiest couple because they didn’t have anyone to compare each other to!”

Their Next Breakthrough [Out of Focus / Issue 916]

Please accept my gratitude for Rochie Bloomberg’s Out of Focus diary serial. It hit me like a bombshell that my two middle adult children, who are on the spectrum, are probably also suffering from adult ADHD.

Early on in their lives, the neurologists and psychologists wanted to put them on medication “to help their focus,” and I know one or both of them had a trial on Ritalin or equivalent medications. My husband and I were somewhat opposed to medicating young kids at that time and chose to concentrate on diet, behavior modification, and many, many other alternatives to drugs. And then we kind of forgot about the ADHD stuff as they got older.

Now they’re in their thirties and are still struggling with executive function, disorganization, and follow-through on their plans and goals. And, of course, they have created “stories” and “narratives” like Rochie’s with self-labeling about laziness, lack of motivation, being less than others, and feeling discouraged about achieving anything in life.

After I read the serial, I spoke to them about the possibility of assessment and treatment and the hope that better focus could help move them forward in their lives. Surprisingly, they weren’t defensive or negative. In fact, their faces lit up as I described the familiar symptoms, and they seem eager to get evaluation and help. This could be their next breakthrough, b’ezras Hashem.

Anonymous

Comparing Spouses [Second Guessing / Issue 916]

The problem in this story — that you feel uncomfortable asking your husband to do a favor for a friend because he gets too flustered, even though your friend was willing to do a similar favor for you — isn’t between you, your friend, and your husband.

The problem is that you’re trying to convey that you respect your husband for who he is, but really you wish you had a husband like Aryeh Feld, your friend’s husband.

This is such a big problem with couples today. So many times, a woman (especially a newlywed) is unhappy with her husband or her marriage once she sees what others’ spouses are like. We bless couples under the chuppah, “Sameiach t’samach... k’Gan Eden mikedem.” Adam and Chava were the happiest couple because they didn’t have anyone to compare each other to! The more private you are, the more contentment and fulfillment you will have in your marriage.

E.S.

Lakewood

Not on Anyone’s Behalf  [Second Guessing / Issue 916]

To avoid the situation the protagonist was in, I’ve made it my policy not to ask for favors on behalf of other people, including my husband. If I want my husband to pick something up for me, I can ask him, but if he wants someone to help him carry it, he needs to ask for help himself. It’s not something I can set up for him.

Along the same lines, if someone else wants my husband to pick something up, that person should ask my husband directly. I’ve gotten into too many awkward or problematic situations by asking for favors on behalf of others. And when it involves my husband and potential shalom bayis ramifications, I’m just not going there.

Tova

A Shalom Bayis Question [Second Guessing / Issue 916]

Aliza did an excellent job expressing her decision to her friend Yehudis. She was open and honest without being hurtful or resentful. She was not overly self-deprecating or apologetic, didn’t rely on bad-mouthing her husband, and gave a firm but empathetic answer. Second-guessing herself here doesn’t seem to be the right way to go. She handled that as best as she could without input from her husband.

As to whether or not she should have discussed the dilemma with her husband, Mendy — this is a shalom bayis question, and one of her potential abilities to communicate something sensitive without placing a burden or expectation. I don’t think there is a right or wrong here.

Aliza’s choice not to make the request shows respect for her husband, an appreciation for what he’s already doing, an understanding that men deeply desire to please their wives and don’t like falling short.

Had she decided to speak to Mendy, that could also have been fine — if done the right way. More specifically, she could try to be as open and honest with her husband as she was with Yehudis and explain what is going on for her internally: “Mendy, I don’t know if I should be bringing this up. I don’t want to put you in an uncomfortable position, and at the same time, I feel like it might be wrong of me not to even mention this. Yehudis asked me…” And then see where it goes. This way Mendy won’t feel she makes big requests of him haphazardly, but rather empathizes with his challenge here. Who knows? She may or may not be able to help out Yehudis, but she most probably will create more connection in her marriage along the way.

Mindel Kassorla

Surprising Information [On Your Mark / Issue 916]

I was so excited when I saw the heading for “On Your Mark,” about Madeleine Isenberg, who learns family history from matzeivos.

My father a”h grew up in a strongly Jewish but religiously secular home. About 15 years ago, my grandfather decided to take my brothers on a “roots tour” of the cemetery in Chicago in which all of his parents and grandparents were buried. You can imagine my brother’s shock when he read the words Halevi on our great-grandfather’s matzeivah! My grandfather, who barely reads Hebrew, had no idea of the significance of this finding. My brother promptly called Rav Gedalia Dov Schwartz z”l of the CRC, who asked him to do more research. Within a few months, our family had a signed document from Rav Schwartz declaring the Elkins family the newest members of the Levi tribe!

Molly (Elkins) Katz

Ramat Beit Shemesh

Both the Boy and the Girl  [Is Yente the Matchmaker No Longer Enough? / Issue 915]

The article on dating mentors provided important food for thought. The comment at the end from the noted Lakewood shadchan Rabbi Meir Levi that we’re encouraging young people to outsource their thinking resonated with me.

As a shadchan who spends lots of time speaking to the boys, girls, and their parents, both before and during the dating process, I’ve recently noticed a recurring concern: Girls are making decisions in the dating process based on speaking to their coaches, but the coaches have not spoken to the boys. It’s fine, and often necessary, for a girl to consult with someone beside the shadchan, but how can she make any reasonable decision receiving guidance from someone who has not communicated at all with the boy?

Shidduchim involve both a girl and boy, and anyone giving advice or hadrachah to the girl should be speaking to the boy as well. It seems very concerning for a coach who is only hearing half the picture to be the source of advice or ideas guiding the girl in consequential decisions.

Name Withheld

There’s a Need [Is Yente the Matchmaker No Longer Enough? / Issue 915]

After reading your well-written article exploring the need for dating coaches in our shidduch world, I’d like to elaborate on some of the points made, based on my years of experience in the field.

Although dating coaches aren’t a necessity for everyone in shidduchim, there are many people who wouldn’t get married without one. In a scenario where a dater grew up in a home where they saw a healthy model of marriage and they have a close relationship with their parents; or when a bochur has a rebbi who not only knows how to give a shiur, but also knows about building relationships and helping people get married (and has the time to guide his bochurim); or a girl who has a similar relationship with a mechaneches or a rebbetzin, or a shadchan who coaches, then, no — there’s probably no need for a coach.

Everyone else could benefit from speaking with a dating coach.

Why has there been a push for dating coaching over the last few years? What was wrong with the way we were doing shidduchim until now?

I’ll answer with a mashal. Back in the small towns and cities of Europe, there was no need for a bikur cholim organization. Every Yid has a chiyuv to be mevaker choleh, and between family, friends, and the community, this was mostly covered.

Then the need became too great. People needed rides to the hospital. People needed medical referrals, advocates in hospitals, and assistance with filling out papers. Finally, someone recognized a need for a cohesive organization, and Bikur Cholim was formed.

Yes, shidduchim were made in the past, and there was no need for any addition to the system. Until the need became too great and there were too many daters and parents who weren’t getting the guidance they needed from the conventional places. (Although there are several factors that have caused the shidduch crisis, not getting the proper help during the dating process is definitely one of them.)

The current situation has gotten large enough that coaching became a recognized necessity for many people. Just like Bikur Cholim organizations serve many, but not everyone, dating coaching serves many, but not everyone. For those daters or parents who do need the guidance, it makes shidduchim much easier, and for some, it’s an actual deal-breaker between getting married or not.

Rabbi Yechiel Rhine

Certified Dating Coach

Hospital Births Did Do Harm [The Guru Will See You Now / Issue 915]

I was surprised to read the article on alternative medicine. Particularly striking was the negativity attached to alternative childbirth practitioners. The non-mainstream approach was described as dangerous and irresponsible.

It’s a fact that when birth was moved to hospital settings, childbirth norms were drastically changed. Women were placed in beds in a ward with just curtains between laboring mothers. No support person, including husbands, mothers (not to mention doulas); no privacy; no food or water; no movement; no choice in positions. This wasn’t so long ago. Only in the 1970s (and in some countries in the 1980s) were changes made. It took many sad decades of pressure, with the support of research which consistently showed that this isn’t the optimal way to birth, for things to slowly change.

It’s interesting to note the subheading, “First Do No Harm.” When childbirth was moved to hospitals, there was much harm done. To present births in hospitals as completely safe where tragedies never happen is stretching reality. Of course, the well-being of the mother and baby are of utmost importance. Obviously, sometimes the hospital setting is the best, but not always.

Fear and tension can and does affect how a woman births her baby. Think of a different scenario. A normal, healthy woman has a precipitous birth with no time to get to the hospital. If she is stressed and fearful from reading horror stories of home births, her birth could truly be the nightmare presented in the article. Sometimes, there’s no time to get to the hospital, and in that situation, we want a calm mother.

I can only conclude by saying that I was disappointed with the article and that more thought should be put into presenting situations in a more balanced way.

Esther

Jerusalem

Homeopathy Is Evidence-Based [The Guru Will See You Now / Issue 915]

I appreciate Family First’s coverage of the legitimate reasons many of us have grown skeptical of modern medicine, highlighted in the feature, “The Guru Will See You Now” by Barbara Bensoussan. I especially valued the acknowledgment of modern medicine’s limitations and the misjudgments by some in the medical field that have misled undiscerning patients. However, I find it troubling that alternative medicine modalities, many with numerous science-backed successes like homeopathy, are dismissed despite rigorous scientific research supporting its safety and effectiveness.

Contrary to popular belief, therapies like homeopathy are supported by credible peer-reviewed studies that demonstrate their efficacy.

As a parent, I’ve witnessed remarkable improvements in the health and well-being of my children thanks to alternative medicine. When I sought help from mainstream medicine for my child’s severe dust allergy, I was told by a top allergist to administer Zyrtec daily — indefinitely. Another child I know was prescribed MiraLAX every day to manage GI issues, despite the fact that it isn’t FDA-approved for children and can have serious side effects. Responsible parents have the right — and responsibility — to question whether this is truly the best approach for their children.

Homeopathy provided a solution where modern medicine failed: not only did my child’s dust allergy heal entirely, but his related asthma also resolved without any medication. The healing I witness every day is genuine and indisputable.

In your article, Dr. Arnold Berlin correctly acknowledges that within modern medicine, “Ninety percent of headaches and thirty percent of stomach complaints have no identifiable basis.” This highlights the gaps in conventional medicine, where doctors often admit they are unable to understand, treat, or cure many chronic conditions.

Homeopathy’s appeal lies in its holistic approach, understanding and addressing the root cause and treating the patient as a whole. Unlike conventional medicine, which often suppresses symptoms — like using cortisone for eczema, only for symptoms to return with greater severity once the treatment stops, or “managing” asthma with steroids — homeopathy seeks true healing.

As Douglas Falkner, MD, MHoM says, “Instead of constantly managing disease, homeopathy will effectively restore health instead of putting a Band-Aid on the symptoms.” Time and again, we witness that when issues are suppressed, they eventually reappear, often in deeper physical, emotional, or mental forms, underscoring the need for genuine healing.

Most importantly, the article wrongly suggests that parents turn to alternative medicine out of “ignorance, naivete, and lack of education.” This biased accusation fails to recognize the primary reason families seek out alternatives: Conventional medicine often lacks true solutions. Many highly educated, discerning parents seek alternatives not out of gullibility, but from informed skepticism and a commitment to the well-being of our children.

The article raises a valid observation from Dr. Berlin: that the breakdown in doctor-patient relationships is not just due to time constraints; the Internet has also empowered patients to seek their own answers. However, it’s unfair to imply that this independent research results from misguided thinking, or that obtaining knowledge is wrong. In reality, many parents are highly informed and have carefully researched alternative approaches to health. We act out of care and with intelligence, not out of ignorance.

Shainy E.

Tug of War [The Guru Will See You Now / Issue 915]

The article on alternative medicine was very intriguing. All the interviewees had excellent points, and I was left feeling that there’s a powerful tug of war between alternative medicine and conventional medicine, and that I’m being pulled in both directions. Which one is better?

It was actually when I read the Inbox letter, “An Alternative Space,” (Issue 917) that I had clarity. The writer there said, “The primary reason people seek alternative medicine is for chronic disease.” That clinched it for me. Conventional medicine developed for a reason — people died all the time from illness. Before antibiotics were discovered, an infected toenail could be life-threatening, while today, thanks to conventional medicine, it’s just a nuisance. When I or my children have an urgent situation that would quickly spiral out of control and become dangerous, conventional medicine is the way to go.

But conventional medicine is far from perfect. We can’t deny that it favors medication as the solution, which often causes unwanted side effects. And it doesn’t address the root problem, just treats the symptoms, and so rarely helps with chronic conditions. When I have a medical problem that isn’t potentially dangerous or causing severe discomfort, then alternative medicine is the way to go for a solution that may take time to work, but will get to the root of the problem with the least possible negative consequences.

R.B.

Touched the Truth  [Tempo / Issue 915]

I just wanted to commend you for the story, “The Girl in the Mirror,” about the high school principal who has to confront her teenage demons when she has a student who is similar to the teenager she was.

It was so well written and thought provoking. Unfortunately, I believe that it conveyed something so true — that the way a student dresses and comes across affects the student-teacher relationship. Hopefully, the story will enable some of us to see ourselves and perhaps how we may perceive the student who isn’t as gracious, cool, and pretty.

As a popular magazine, you have an achrayus for so much of what Klal Yisrael believes, discusses, and thinks — as I am sure you well know. Thank you for making the choice to print this story and effect positive change.

H. Singer

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 918)