Shouldn’t I be able to get everything done if I’m not working?

T

hey say rumination exists in the deep abyss of depression. For me, rumination becomes a yellow brick road of could haves and should haves and if onlys. It pulls me down into tunnels of fantasy and wishes in which I am a different me. A better me. A me embracing every corner of myself — every patch of the quilt that embodies the me I think Hashem created me to be. Well, the road has multiple paths to take. But in This World, I take them all. Because I am able to. Because this is a fantasy. Because, in a few minutes, I will wake up to my beautiful reality and somehow, feel somewhat empty.

I am a stay-at-home mother. I daven daily with my kids and we sing songs and dance wildly and laugh together. I am calm and warm and somehow also able to make a nutritious dinner that everyone eats beautifully (yes, including the vegetables). Actually, let’s make that two dinners — I’ll also make one for the neighbor who recently had a baby. My kids love going shopping with me and I take them on educational trips — to the fire station, the police station, the museum. Somehow, I am able to fold the laundry and go to bed on time in this reality. I probably can’t afford any cleaning help, but I’m able to get it all done because I’m not working, right? Shouldn’t I be able to get everything done if I’m not working?