“Ahh, the life of a frum woman. The needs of everyone around us are pressing and relentless”

Q

It feels like the local shul, school, and Neshei are always scheduling a million events, lectures, get-togethers, and speeches about cheshbon hanefesh and parenting and tefillah and and and. I just want to be home or out with my kids, being an actual parent.

Is that a copout or a legit approach? Does it matter? If a local institution hosts something, is there some sort of obligation to attend (especially if itÕs one that’s affiliated with my kids)?

A

Go to the park with your kids. Betcha the parenting expert is going to tell you that the most important thing you can do with your child is… spend time with him.

Q

I’m in the unenviable position of having to choose between the needs of two children, and I am really torn. My oldest daughter confided in me that she is going through a serious depression and is having trouble coping. She is unable to manage even the most basic housekeeping and her kids are beginning to really feel it. She asked if I would be willing to come for a couple weeks to help out and to restore the family equilibrium. She has not shared her challenge with any of her siblings and has asked me to keep it confidential.

In the meantime, my second daughter is due any day now. She was planning to move into my home for about two weeks after being discharged from the hospital. I think she’ll be fine without me. Her husband is extremely supportive (read: not afraid to throw in a load of laundry and/or hold the baby) and she has a strong network of friends. So it’s less about needing my actual help and more about feeling I’m there for her. I wish I could clone myself; they each legitimately need me. I feel like the stakes are high in both scenarios and I need to get this right. I don’t know how I’m supposed to make this decision. Help!

A

Ahh, the life of a frum woman. The needs of everyone around us are pressing and relentless. Most of the time, we do a great job of keeping most of the balls in the air. But sometimes all that juggling isn’t enough. Sometimes we feel like something is going to fall and all we can do is daven that it doesn’t shatter when it does.

Before I can respond intelligently to this conundrum, I need some background information. What was your relationship like with both of your daughters prior to this dilemma? You say, “I need to get this right,” which makes me wonder why the stakes are so high. Is there some history here that adds more gravity to the situation and makes “getting it right” imperative? Does your second daughter somehow always end up coming in second to your oldest? Is she the “good child” who makes no trouble and ends up forgotten? Does your older daughter have a history of struggling, and if so, what has your response been to her until now?

The answers to all these questions would certainly inform my response. In general, when we have a long and regular history of deposits in our relationship bank, one singular withdrawal doesn’t usually make it or break it. While it’s true that each of your daughters is experiencing a huge event, and would benefit from your being physically present for each of them, it’s also true that relationships can survive even a crisis when there is enough goodwill.

I wonder if your older daughter would reconsider sharing her secret. The secrecy adds an incredible burden and unnecessary extra pressure all around. She might be surprised and relieved to find out that the rest of her family is also there to support her. At the very least, it will help you explain to your younger daughter why your ability to be there for her is compromised. Creating a culture of sharing and mutual support can be a huge gift to your family.

Only you can answer what the different relationship considerations are and thereby decide which relationship needs the most nurturing right now. But in addition to the relationship component, there is also the very real practical component. Each of your daughters needs help. Is it possible to arrange and pay for cleaning help? Do they have friends who might consider organizing a meal train? Can you make and freeze some food in advance? Perhaps you could create a loving welcome home package filled with pampering items and treats for your daughter when she gets home from the hospital. You can be in constant touch by phone or text. There are many ways to “be there” for someone, even when you can’t physically be there, and people can tell when you really care.

I am also curious about your husband’s role here. Is he available to step in and take over? Sometimes the secure, solid presence of Tatty can be reassuring in a different way than Mommy. Do you have teens or young adults who might be able to help? Again, creating a culture of family collaboration gives your family the gift of being grounded. There is something extremely reassuring and comforting about belonging to a greater whole and feeling that you’re not doing life alone. And finally, where do your daughters’ in-law families fit into the picture here? Are you able to stagger help so you can alternate and be by each of your daughters’ sides?

Perhaps the decision here does not need to be all or nothing. Maybe you can find ways to be present in different forms. Yes, it will take creativity and finesse, but ultimately your daughters will sense how much you care. May Hashem give you the wisdom, the koach, and the resources to nurture each of your children in the way that they need. And may you take great comfort in the fact that when they’re feeling vulnerable, it’s their Mommy that they want.

Q

I have a 19-year-old niece who will be starting shidduchim soon. She’s a lovely girl, but she suffers from terrible acne. My own children also had terrible acne until they began taking Accutane, but they had incredible results and now their skin is almost entirely clear. Should I mention something to my sister or is that just a rude breach of boundaries? My sister is not into these things, and I doubt she’s ever heard of Accutane.

A

It’s funny how some of our best intentions are not always as well received as we’d imagine… especially when it involves our children. Every mother has a bit of a blind spot when it comes to her child. Many mothers can’t see flaws in their children, but even for those who do, they can convince themselves that no one else sees them. Hearing them pointed out can be exceedingly painful. A mother’s blind spot is how Hashem created us and has probably significantly contributed to the human ability to survive beyond childhood.

So unless you have one of these tough, brutally frank relationships with your sister, where you mutually agree to tell all, you’re probably taking a big risk bringing up something this personal and vulnerable. On the other hand, this could really help your niece. So what’s a girl to do?

I wonder if this needs to involve your sister at all. Is it possible to have one of your daughters mention it in passing when the cousins are talking? Perhaps a general conversation about the woes of adolescence, which includes a detailed description of “skin travails and what we can do about them,” is the kinder way to go. This way your girls can normalize skin problems and offer solutions without personalizing it, and without the shaming that goes along with pointing it out.

It will most likely be better received by your niece than by your Mama Bear sister.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 913)