Well-known askanim and professionals share what they think should stay and what needs to go

Now that we’re in cheshbon hanefesh season, well-known askanim and professionals share with us what they think should stay and what needs to go

Lisa Elefant

Shadchan

One thing I’d love to change

I wish people would stop being so hyper-focused on résumés. (Not even talking about pictures here.) Résumés came into vogue about 15 years back, and they were a useful way to provide some information without interested parties scribbling notes on napkins and store receipts. But they’ve caused a lot of trouble since. People view them as a summary of an entire person. How is that possible? A real person’s personality, depth, and charm can’t be assessed by a few carefully phrased lines on a piece of paper. I’ve seen people scan a résumé and make a blanket judgment. “We know the type. We’re not looking for this.” Based on what? The name of the seminary? The yichus of the grandparents?

It used to be much easier. People used to redt shidduchim by speaking to each other; now, some are just forwarding résumés. Forwarding a résumé to someone without speaking to them is usually not a favor to the subject of the résumé, in my view. It perpetuates this focus on a paper instead of a live person. I’d love résumés to go back to their place, shadchanim to make suggestions in person or by phone, and parents to listen with open minds.

One thing I’d never change

The way people think of each other and try to help them out. I think it’s beautiful. I get calls all the time from people who want to do some good by suggesting a shidduch. Sometimes, the shidduchim are for people they’ve just met. Mi k’amcha Yisrael — who else immediately thinks of what others need and steps up to try to improve a total stranger’s life?