Even in difficult situations, there’s no excuse for verbal abuse

Eleven-year-old Faigy is furious. Mom can’t drive her to her friend’s house right now because she’s too tired again. This always happens! Mom is tired, has to go to bed, can’t help her with her homework, can’t make dinner — can’t do anything! As she’s done so many times before, Faigy explodes: “You’re useless! You don’t do anything for me! Nobody’s mother is like you. They do things for their kids. I hate you so much!”

Elisheva, Faigy’s mom, is devastated. She stares at her daughter, tears rolling down her cheeks. This infuriates Faigy even more. “I’m the one who should be sad, not you!” she screams as she runs out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

It’s not hard to understand what is prompting Faigy’s behavior. Her mom is unavailable, not able to meet her needs on a regular basis. Whether Mom is suffering from a physical illness or a debilitating mental health condition, something has sapped her energy and vitality, causing her to become largely unavailable to her daughter. Faigy is lashing out in hurt and anger.

But here’s the thing. Hurt and anger doesn’t entitle anyone, at any time, to engage in verbal abuse. Only toddlers, not yet able to express themselves in their mother tongue, are given leeway to yell, pound, and throw — and even they must be taught to curb their aggressive expressions of emotion. Eleven-year-old Faigy is way beyond the age of tolerance for this sort of behavior. Mom — tired as she is — must help her find more appropriate, relationship-savvy ways of expressing painful emotions.

Emotional Regulation

Elisheva knows she has to help her daughter. Her first thought is to offer her therapy. “I know my daughter is distressed. I understand this is where her anger is coming from. If she gets therapy, she’ll be calmer and won’t have these outbursts,” she tells her husband. Ari, Elisheva’s husband, disagrees. “Before we do therapy, I think we need to explain to her what’s going on. She thinks you don’t care about her, that you care only about yourself and that’s why you lie in bed a lot of the time. She’s old enough now. I think we should tell her about your illness.”

Elisheva agrees to take this approach. “We’ll also tell her that we know how upsetting, frustrating, and disappointing it is to know that your mother can’t do everything that you want and need and that most moms can do,” Ari continues. “But I want to tell her that from now on, there can be no more insulting, hurtful words or behaviors. She’s got to stop this completely.”

Elisheva agrees with this as well. “You’re right,” she says. “If Faigy keeps behaving like this, she won’t have the skills she needs to be a good wife and mother — we can’t let her continue to practice being so abusive!”

This couple was off to a good start. Elisheva recognized that her daughter’s pattern of verbal abuse would not be cured by increased understanding of the situation or emotional validation by her parents. It would simply be quieted for the time being. It would undoubtedly surface the next time Faigy felt strong negative emotions. This is why both emotional support and behavioral education were necessary.

Faigy’s parents need to actually teach their daughter how to express her feelings appropriately. It’s never enough to tell a child what they can’t do. Parents have to show them what they’re supposed to do instead! They will need to know how to reinforce the appropriate behavior and how to use negative consequences for further episodes of inappropriate speech.

In addition, it might be important for Elisheva to get some therapy for herself as well, to help her deal with whatever intense emotions caused her to cry in the face of her child’s insults. Unwell as she is, Elisheva still needs to do what she can to stay adult and present for her daughter.

Being in serious pain isn’t an excuse for engaging in verbal abuse and feeling better isn’t a cure for it. Rather, learning how to speak respectfully about one’s feelings is the correct route (“Mom, it really bothers me that you can’t drive me to my friend’s house. It feels like you’re hardly ever able to do things for me and it makes things so hard for me....”) and parents can be the best teachers of this.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 912)