“When people violate our boundaries even if we don’t realize what’s happening, our emotions are likely to let us know something’s wrong”

No Salary Is Worth It [When Work Goes Toxic / Issue 910]

Your article about toxic workplaces brought back some unpleasant memories. Many years ago, I was hired as a PA to the executive director of a frum, well-known organization on the basis of my writing skills, as well as my organizational and PA experience in the not-for-profit sector. My references were impeccable.

I was thrown in at deep end, as the previous PA had left quite suddenly, having got married/moved away/retired... I never did find out. There was no training at all, and the work didn’t just entail creating letters and documents and managing his diary, but also involved complicated customized computer and accounting systems, something I wasn’t told about when I applied.

From Day One I was treated badly. I was expected to figure out the computer system by myself; if I asked for help, I received sarcasm and belittlement. I ended up secretly calling the IT expert for him to talk me through it, but he was miles away in another office and could only do so much. When the whole system crashed due to some fault in the actual program, my employer blamed me (until the IT man called him and explained it had nothing to do with me). I needed to be shown exactly what to do, but the contempt and criticism continued, despite my pleas for proper training.

My boss kept calling me “Miriam” — my name is “Etty.” “Miriam” was his former PA. In the end I told him to call me “Mrs. Cohen.” He didn’t. I was always “Miriam.”

I was earning a great salary, but the stress was affecting me personally. I came home every day exhausted and miserable. But the crunch came when my boss told me I write like a third grader. That is something I would not tolerate. I didn’t care how big an organization he ran or how much money I earned. Bullying and insults are always unacceptable.

That was it. I was in tears when my husband came home, and I decided to hand in my notice, which I did the next day.

The biggest irony was that he couldn’t find a replacement... so he asked me to stay on longer! How bad could I have been? I refused.

I’m retired now, and I spend my days using my writing skills to benefit different local and foreign organizations, especially for the war effort in Eretz Yisrael. I don’t get paid, but the satisfaction of helping others is worth much more than a salary.

I truly hope my former employer recognizes himself in this description, and that he learned to treat the next “Miriam” with respect. As far as I know, he still holds the same position.

Thank you for highlighting what women in the frum workplace sometimes have to contend with.

“Etty Cohen”

Treat Kids Like Mini Adults [Conversation Continues / Issue 910]

I think some of the letters taking the side of teens or their mothers have missed the point. I have a unique perspective in this field due to my own situation and my work with troubled children. Let me make something very clear. No child wants to go to therapy! Admitting you need therapy is admitting that “I’m different” and “I’m problematic.” A child who asks to go to therapy is very, very brave. This is a child that is willing to be open with her deepest feelings.

Without judging or blaming, it’s clear that the people with the biggest emotional impact on a child are the parents. Even parents who do everything for their children can impact them negatively without intending to do so. Yet that can be rectified. How? By listening to your child, by treating them like a mini adult and not like a baby. Every child is an expert on his or her feelings. Every child needs positivity and understanding. Every child is a future adult who will remember all these emotions. Every child, even very young ones, can express what is bothering them if given the chance to do so.

Parents, if you will listen to your child and hear their needs, it’s not too late to change. How about this mother not responding with a yes or no, instead having a conversation with her daughter about how she can help her with her difficulties? How about this mother being open to hear if something in the home is impacting her daughter negatively?

Of course there will be plenty who will say, “What is with this 2024 generation, blaming parents?” We can continue blaming kids, who will blame us back, or we can act like adults and take the initiative to make the first step.

Name Withheld

There Is Support Out There [Musings/ Issue 909]

I read the personal piece about a woman experiencing recurrent pregnancy loss, and I feel like I could’ve written it myself. I’ve been traveling that road, and I wanted to share one important message that can be the difference between sinking and keeping your head above water: Get support. With organizations out there specifically founded to help couples facing infertility and related challenges, you don’t have to grieve in silence or wonder what your next step should be. Specifically, I’ve had experience with Bonei Olam and ATime. They are both spectacular at what they do — their empathy and knowledge have been instrumental in getting me back on my feet after my losses.

So please, for your own sake, reach out. No one can walk in your shoes or carry your pain, but they will hold your hand and not let go. Stay strong! Better days are ahead!

Name Withheld

Open Up a Conversation [Second Guessing / Issue 909]

I wasn’t the narrator in Ariella’s Schiller’s Second Guessing about a woman who felt resentful of her husband’s chumras and went behind his back to take the kids out to eat at an eatery he disapproved of, but I could have been. I too married a man who was “growing” — an aspect of his personality that I definitely admired. But as described, over the years his many chumras began to feel choking. I’m a growing person, but not necessarily growing in the same areas that my husband, with his black-and-white halachah brain, finds mandatory as opposed to laudatory.

But, and here’s the big point, we definitely talk about it. I’ve been married for decades and while at the beginning I’d seethe at his restrictions, over the years, we’ve tweaked, refined, and come to working terms over our different approaches.

It’s never a good idea to hide things from your spouse, because things never stay hidden indefinitely. Let’s go to your example of taking your kids to a non-yoshon pizza shop. All you need is one of your kids to innocently tell Abba that they had pizza for supper and for your husband to nonchalantly ask where.... Now what? Are you going to lie? In front of our children? Boy, you’re setting yourself up for more confrontation rather than less.

The same concept applies to so many areas where spouses differ. One counts pennies, the other does impulse buying. Do they keep these behaviors behind their backs?

Use this opportunity to respectfully talk about your differences, your priorities, your approaches to life.

Every spouse wants their partner to be happy. But every person needs to feel respected. Try opening the conversation. You’ll be glad you did.

Been There, But Did Things Differently

Put the Ball in His Court [Second Guessing / Issue 909]

I was thinking about the situation about the husband and wife’s different standards and how the wife went behind his back, in a sense, by taking the children somewhere he wouldn’t have wanted them to eat.

It occurred to me that instead of just taking it on herself, why didn’t she call her husband up and put it on him?

She should have told him that she’s been out with the kids and everyone’s tired and hungry and the pizza place is right there and asked him what to do.

My guess is that if he’s a decent person (as he was basically made out to be) then he would take responsibility for the choice then. He would either give in this time, and then she’d not be doing it behind his back, or if he does choose to stick up for his standard, he would help her out in some other way, e.g., by going to pick her up or ordering something from a place he does approve of.

Bottom line, he’d take it on himself. Either by choosing to let go this time or by choosing to keep to it and helping her in some other way. It was his standard we’re talking about, and thus his choice to make in the moment.
R. R., Yerushalayim

This is About Boundaries [Second Guessing / Issue 909]

Oh, Mindy, doing something behind a spouse’s back is never a nice situation to be in. Especially when the kids are involved. But let’s leave that on the side and deal with the bigger issue that led to this lapse in judgment.

This isn’t about being an ishah kesheirah or that in a Jewish home the husband sets the ruchniyus barometer.

This isn’t about going to a rav to decide what to take on or not. (Not because in general it’s not a good idea, but in your case, this is so frequent, it goes beyond deciding each individual issue. As you mention, “disagreeing with someone day in and day out is exhausting,” but going to a Rav umpteen times isn’t going to be less exhausting.)

This is about boundaries. Yes, you can roll your eyes at me — “boundaries” has become a buzzword worthy of the gesture — but that doesn’t mean there’s not something to it.

Boundaries are where I end and you begin. Simple as that. When another person acts as though they control a part of your life that is yours to control, they are violating a boundary.

When people violate our boundaries even if we don’t realize what’s happening, our emotions are likely to let us know something’s wrong. It’s normal to be frustrated with each new expectation your husband throws your way. Not because you don’t want him to guide the ruchniyus of your home but because he’s stepping into your space without permission. (Even buying the iced coffee at the chalav Yisrael place can be violating a boundary if he’s using it to pressure you. Which is likely why it irritated you.)

A man being the mashpia in the home isn’t about being a dictator. It’s not, “This is the way it is and there’s nothing to discuss. Obey me.” Of course, your husband needs your input and agreement to institute change in your home — which he isn’t seeking, and that’s the problem. This has nothing to do with your Yiddishkeit. (For example, you would be having the same issue if your husband insisted the whole family eat only healthy, or spend no extra money without your involvement in the decision.)

Shmuel, well-meaning though he is, is not seeing you as a separate person. My guess is that if he was, you would feel far more amenable to taking on what he wanted you to.

Emotions serve a purpose. They’re trying to tell you something. They’re not telling you that you’re not on your husband’s level or you don’t appreciate him. They’re telling you he’s crossing your boundaries.

The answer isn’t to sneak behind your husband’s back, but rather to help him see what’s going on. He doesn’t realize he’s making decisions for you without your input. He’s a good guy. He’s not trying to hurt you. He’s just a little clueless and needs someone to show him what he’s doing. As his wife, you probably know the best way to reach him, whether you should explain things yourself, or go to Rav Weinstein together, or an experienced marriage therapist. Whichever channel is most effective, the important thing is to communicate your feelings before you do something you think is wrong.

Hatzlachah,

Name Withheld

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 911)