He’s so different from you. But that may be the reason Hashem wanted you to marry him.

“He’s always telling me what I can do to improve myself. He thinks I need more friends and he tells me exactly how I should go about getting them. He believes I need to take more classes get more involved in community affairs serve on committees. If I don’t take his advice he gives me long lectures about what’s wrong with my outlook. And if I do take his advice he rubs it in my face saying things like ‘See? Didn’t I tell you that it would work? I was right wasn’t I?’ He makes me feel so inadequate.”

He of course sees it differently.

“I’m only trying to help. She could accomplish so much more with her time. I’ve made her a schedule — I do the same for myself and it works very well. I really push myself and as a result I’ve accomplished a great deal in every area of my life. My wife’s not achieving her full potential. She doesn’t know what it means to set goals and work toward them. When I see her sitting and reading a novel it bothers me. This isn’t the partner I want to share life with.”

Irreconcilable Differences

When these two first came together they were very much “on the same page.” They both said they wanted the same things in life. At the time it was impossible to know that they weren’t speaking the same language.

They both spoke about how much they loved to have Shabbos guests. Who could know that by “Shabbos guests” she meant a small circle of friends and family members for daytime meals every other week or so while he meant a large crowd of acquaintances from shul for each of the three meals every single Shabbos of the year?

They had both agreed that it was important for a woman to stay at home with her children if it was financially possible. Who could know that in her mind this conjured up an image of taking the kids to parks and programs while in his mind he saw a busy woman heading a large volunteer organization attending regular shiurim several times a week and assisting her husband in his business (just like his mother did)?

When they agreed that it was important to nurture personal physical health she meant that having an annual checkup was essential; it turns out that he meant that one must exercise four times a week.

It didn’t take long for both to realize that they actually had very little in common and were in reality polar opposites. As might be expected each had a different solution for dealing with their differences. Wife opted for a “live and let live” approach content to allow her husband to do whatever he wanted to do as long as it didn’t affect her directly. If he wanted to be busy 24/7 she accepted this never asking him to come home and spend more time with her and the family. However if he wanted to bring a dozen guests for meals then she insisted that he prepare the food and clean up afterward.

Husband resented her attitude. His approach was to help her “see the light.” He began a relentless educational campaign with the goal of getting her to change. He was certain that his was the superior and correct way of going about things. Moreover he was disgusted by his wife’s lack of accomplishment.

Dealing with the Challenge

One of the things that makes marriage so challenging is the need to accept the intense differences perceived in one’s spouse. People marry because they think they’ve found a perfect match (a carbon copy of themselves) and then they suffer intensely when they discover that their spouse is really so different from them.

Yet Hashem is the One who lures people into marriage with false appearances of similarity so that they will be forced to learn how to become accepting. Try as one might a person will not be able to force growth upon his or her partner. One spouse cannot make the other lose weight become more spiritual stop addictive behavior stop being critical become more social ambitious calmer more affectionate less anxious more mature or change in any other way.

In fact it’s very hard for a person to change oneself in any of these ways or in any way whatsoever. However trying to change oneself is at least a proper goal and one that can certainly meet with some success. The first thing that any married person might work on is his or her ability to love and accept a spouse just as he or she is — extreme differences and all. This task alone can keep a person busy for decades.