In-laws can be challenging. But those challenges have some straightforward solutions.

Getting along with relatives requires a different skill set than getting along with friends. After all you carefully choose your friends while Hashem chooses your relatives. While members of our own extended family can sometimes be hard for us to deal with members of our spouse’s family can often be even harder.

Let me issue a disclaimer at the outset: many people have been fortunate enough to be surrounded with loving family members both “blood relatives” and in-laws. However having nothing but excellent relationships with family members of all kinds is rare — something akin to winning the lottery. Most often people find some of their relatives challenging. Commonly people find their spouse’s relatives particularly challenging especially their parents-in-law. Let’s see why and discuss what small things can be done to help the situation.     

Sources of Stress

To begin with parents-in-law are parents. That in itself poses a problem. As you may know adults don’t want parents. Young adults particularly have finally gotten away from parental control and are more than ready to spread their independent wings. While they may be delighted to accept gifts (money babysitting etc.) they are no longer delighted to be told what to do or how to do it. And this is from their own parents. They certainly don’t want this sort of information from someone else’s parents (i.e. their spouse’s parents!).

Which brings us to a second issue with parents-in-law: they are strangers with strange ways. They are unlike one’s own parents with whom one often identifies feels at home with and even copies. They are different. “My parents don’t do that.” “My parents would never say that.” “My parents don’t believe that.” In other words “I can’t relate to your parents at all.” While feeling uncomfortable with one’s parents-in-law isn’t the end of the world it is uncomfortable.

Then there’s personality. A parent-in-law is often very present in one’s life. While some people live so far away from their parents-in-law that they rarely have to deal with them in person many live within minutes by car or foot. Others who don’t live nearby end up living with them (in the in-law’s house or in their own) for several weeks of the year. Contact with parents-in-law can be strained when you don’t actually like one or both of them. Some people discover that a minor flaw they tolerate in their spouse exists in gigantic proportions in the “source” of the flaw.

For instance a husband is mildly irritated by his wife’s tendency to get nervous and overwhelmed under pressure. However when spending the holidays with his parents-in-law he now sees where this tendency comes from: his wife’s mother is completely overwhelmed by every small household task and preparation. This is a trait that he doesn’t like even in small proportions and now twice a year every year he has to live with it for extended periods of time in Technicolor!

Finally there is the issue of competition. One’s parents-in-law have a claim on one’s spouse: they raised that human being who you now claim belongs to you. Parents don’t let go that easily. Your spouse will always be their little girl or boy who they poured their heart and soul and physical strength into for two unbelievably intense decades. Some parents-in-law make this all too clear by continuing to act as if your spouse is their child; they may have private conversations with him or her give him or her private gifts practically ignore you or do other things that convey property rights. Unless you are extremely secure in yourself and in your marriage these parental behaviors can be a bit unnerving.

Easy Solutions to Parent-in-Law Stress

As we have just seen parents-in-law love to help have their own ways of doing things have their own personalities and still love their child intensely. Addressing each of these factors can help solve parent-in-law stress.

Accept help graciously but remember that you are free to live your own life and make your own decisions. Just say “Thank you so much for that idea. We’ll look into it.”

As for their unusual ways and seemingly difficult personalities when you are very pleasant to your parents-in-law all differences and personality issues become less relevant and ample space is made for peace. And in that environment their personalities will seem less jarring.

Finally the love that your in-laws have for your spouse is natural. You’re going to love your babies forever too. Remember that your in-laws can only have their love fulfilled in small minutes here and there because you now live full-time with their child. There is no real competition between you and your in-laws — you win. Knowing the truth of that can restore balance.