Community leaders tell us the story behind their most memorable questions

Answers can educate, elucidate, enlighten. But sometimes a good question can tell us even more. Here, community leaders tell us the story behind their most memorable questions

Shalva Schneider

How do you protect your kids from outside influence?

WE bring it right in the front door! I’m (mostly) kidding. People often ask how I can host Jewessence girls in my home. Aren’t I afraid they’re going to influence my kids?

The question assumes my kids would be tempted by what the girls are exposing them to. Interestingly, my oldest daughter told me that she thinks she’s less tempted than many of her peers, because she’s seen the other side, and it’s not what she wants. My kids recognize that many of the girls aren’t comfortable where they’re at. It’s obvious to them they’re seeing someone who’s suffering, not a person who’s having the time of her life.

As colorful as the girls are, and they can be very colorful, they’ve always been respectful. No one has ever done anything b’davka to violate our values or offend us. People sometimes want to know if that includes the way they dress. They respect us because we respect them — and that includes respecting them no matter how they’re dressed. After years of being judged by the way they look, accepting them as they are, inviting them into our home and our Shabbos table is a big part of their healing.

Having these girls in our home helps my kids develop depth in their relationship with Hashem and Torah. They learn nuance; not all of Judaism is about externals like wearing tights. People can struggle with some mitzvos while working on others. Most important to me — my children learn to love and value every Jew. When one of my kids was asked by her teacher, “What is a value in your home that you would want to incorporate in your future home?” she answered, “Ahavas Yisrael, that we love and accept all Jews.”

My kids have learned that growth is a process.  For example, one time a girl showed up for Shabbos with a big bag of nosh — nuts and chewing gum and candy and popcorn. I asked her (jokingly), “Do you think I’m not going to serve dessert?” She said she’s been working on keeping Shabbos, and the hardest part is not smoking. She came prepared with her “goodie bag” so that her hands and mouth were busy when she was tempted. My kids saw how important this was to her and saw a commitment to keeping Shabbos even though it was incredibly hard for her. This is just one example of many where my kids are exposed repeatedly to young women who are trying to genuinely grow and heal, even when it’s difficult, which in turn encourages my own kids’ resiliency and teaches them to push past challenges to grow.

I believe when children have a strong foundation and there’s open and honest communication in the home, exposure to things that are different won’t shake our kids to their core. They might ask questions, which in my opinion is a good thing. We as parents need to be receptive to those questions and open to the dialogue that emerges from them.

The Jewessence girls and alumnae become part of our family. My kids have come to recognize the importance and the impact that has on the Jewessence girls, and my husband and I recognize the positive impact that the Jewessence girls bring to our home and family. In many ways our kids are wiser, more mature, more balanced, deeper thinkers, and more authentically connected to Hashem specifically because of their exposure to these beautiful neshamos.

Mrs. Shalva Schneider is the director of Jewessence, a program for girls who have left observance and are looking to reconnect to Judiasm.